Ignoring the fact that tomorrow, I have probably the most important meeting of my life, and I am not sure how it will turn out.....I was thinking today as I was driving home. I wondered, "what am I?" Am I a missionary? Or am I not? Am I now in a place where I say, "I was" or am I still? Theoretically, it doesn't mean much to me. There are problems in my life so much bigger than figuring out what I am. But the question still came up.
Yes, there is shame in becoming a "I was". If I am a "I was". But there are times that pain is so much greater than shame. It just remains an interesting question. Someone asked me today what I do. I didn't know how to answer. I live today. That is what I do. Today, I do laundry. Tomorrow, I don't know how my world will look like.
I don't think I could say "I am" when I am not so much right now. But, neither can I say, "I was" because I have not quit, either. I think I am just here - in the middle of nowhere. Strange when I named my blog, that was not where I was thinking that title would land me.
One day, I promise to write about the name of this blog. Because at present, I am not in a remote place. I am surrounded by people right now, in "the West" as we so generally say. Yes, we serve in the middle of nowhere.... but we are not serving right now. We are here inbetween saying "I am" and saying "I was". But the title came not from any of those, but from something long before my now, long before I felt called into missions. It came from a time when God decided to speak to a six year old girl before her life took a nose dive into awful darkness.
Today, I sit here in my middle of nowhere, not sure what my tomorrow will be like. It is a scary place. A few times today, I had to sit down, flushed, shaking, and dizzy when the reality of my now overwhelmed me. But I walk through today remembering a God who loved me enough to speak to me, and who throughout history has a habit of meeting His people in the middle of nowhere. He did it with Jacob - even when Jacob is not perhaps our most favorite characters. He did it with Elijah after his startling defeat and sullen pout. He's done it with me before.
So, I sit here, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea of what my tomorrow holds, but knowing the God who has proved Himself faithful in all my yesterdays. I don't have a lot of trust, but I'm using what I have to its maximum right now. And God is quieting my heart and waiting through this night with me.
5 comments:
Will be praying for you as you have your meeting.
It's hard to be in that "in between" place, especially when you don't know what's coming next. Don't worry about what other people will ask you - I know, easier said than done. You've got much more important things to worry about - you and your kids.
I think one of the hardest times in my life was when I was in the place of not knowing how to handle the question "Who are you?"...We were facing a difficult family time a year ago today. We were sent back amongst 'inquiring minds'...not knowing what the future held...during a time of counseling I was asked "...Who are you?", I struggled with the answer for over two weeks...A missionary? A mother? A wife? I felt a failure at all three...God whispered in my ear...
"You are a daughter of the King"...I clung to that, when others did not understand.
May you know the peace that passes ALL understanding today...
Praying...
You are right where God would have you be. Hold on to that - He is grooming you and molding you to be exactly what He wants of you. I've often thought that if it were up to ME, I would have gotten from A to Z on a different path than God, but God chose the path for me and I rest in that.
Last year, during a bad time for us, I thought I was perhaps becoming an "I was" and honestly, it was terrifying. During the "Interrupted Expectations" class that I took, we looked at major variations of losses in life. Material loss, relationship loss, etc. but the teacher pointed out that Identity Loss is one of the major losses of life.
She asked us to answer the question "Who am I?" without stating our role at home or the job I do...it was hard because pretty much all that was left is a description of my personality (and even that's subjective sometimes!) and that I am a Child of God.
She pointed out that we tend to wrap our identity and lives around things that God never meant for us to-our identity has be be based on and in Christ. When I build my identity on anything that can change, then losses experienced in those areas will mean a loss of my identity as well. When others do not meet or fill what I have built my identity on and around, there will be strong disappointments.
So last year I had to recognize and grieve some of these losses so that I could work through it...I had not realized how much I'd built my identity around "I am" a...missionary in X country or mother or wife, etc. Even now the thought or threat of becoming an "I was" is scary as I continue to work at building my identity on Christ alone and fail all too many times.
God chose to allow me to continue in full-time overseas ministry at this time, but I am very aware that it may change sometime in the future...I don't know what life will hold for me and it's good to be reminded of all this.
Anyway, while I don't know exactly how and what you are going through because I'm not you, I did relate very strongly to your post and the feelings that you might be working through-being hit with many losses and potential losses (which can be even worse than real losses because of the unknown)...I continue to pray and long for God's healing in your family. (sorry, didn't mean to get to preaching there...I just get pretty excited about what God's teaching me...) :)
You are a child of The KING and no one can take your crown. Never be ashamed of "I was" because the KING is the one who has you where you are for his purpose. Many good intentioned people (at home)will ask much and add their 2 cents worth ...but they haven't been there so they are fodder for a good book....((hugs)))
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