Am I or Was I or What?

Ignoring the fact that tomorrow, I have probably the most important meeting of my life, and I am not sure how it will turn out.....

I was thinking today as I was driving home. I wondered, "what am I?" Am I a missionary? Or am I not? Am I now in a place where I say, "I was" or am I still? Theoretically, it doesn't mean much to me. There are problems in my life so much bigger than figuring out what I am. But the question still came up.

Yes, there is shame in becoming a "I was". If I am a "I was". But there are times that pain is so much greater than shame. It just remains an interesting question. Someone asked me today what I do. I didn't know how to answer. I live today. That is what I do. Today, I do laundry. Tomorrow, I don't know how my world will look like.

I don't think I could say "I am" when I am not so much right now. But, neither can I say, "I was" because I have not quit, either. I think I am just here - in the middle of nowhere. Strange when I named my blog, that was not where I was thinking that title would land me.

One day, I promise to write about the name of this blog. Because at present, I am not in a remote place. I am surrounded by people right now, in "the West" as we so generally say. Yes, we serve in the middle of nowhere.... but we are not serving right now. We are here inbetween saying "I am" and saying "I was". But the title came not from any of those, but from something long before my now, long before I felt called into missions. It came from a time when God decided to speak to a six year old girl before her life took a nose dive into awful darkness.

Today, I sit here in my middle of nowhere, not sure what my tomorrow will be like. It is a scary place. A few times today, I had to sit down, flushed, shaking, and dizzy when the reality of my now overwhelmed me. But I walk through today remembering a God who loved me enough to speak to me, and who throughout history has a habit of meeting His people in the middle of nowhere. He did it with Jacob - even when Jacob is not perhaps our most favorite characters. He did it with Elijah after his startling defeat and sullen pout. He's done it with me before.

So, I sit here, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea of what my tomorrow holds, but knowing the God who has proved Himself faithful in all my yesterdays. I don't have a lot of trust, but I'm using what I have to its maximum right now. And God is quieting my heart and waiting through this night with me.

Water Under the Bridge

Did I already mention that I prefer to deal with conflict or anything else head on?

Not everyone is like that.

My husband prefers to do nothing. He waits until enough water has gone under the bridge for things to be ok again.

So, today... there hasn't been enough water under the bridge. It is at that awkward stage where some water has gone under, but not quite enough.

When is it really enough? Is it enough when the problem is slightly covered with water? Is it enough when the water flows over it, but if you look directly at it, you still see it lurking under the water? Or is it enough when so much water goes by that you forget what was buried down there?

Oh, for the simplicity of repentance and forgiveness! Aren't you glad that God forgives? We don't have to wait. We don't have to wonder. It is gone. Forgiveness takes the issues out of the stream, gone for good. Clear water again flows, and we don't have to be afraid of the view from the bridge.

With repentance, we have no shadows lurking in standing water, no surprises to appear in times of drought. No memories to surface again when we run dry of grace.

But he has not yet discovered this. What he misses knowing is that forgiveness is already waiting for him. It has been for a long time. For this, for many other things that he simply buried under the bridge. It is there waiting.

We simply need to be open to receive forgiveness. We can not have cleared away what we cover over and hide.

So, here I am today, watching water pass by and wishing for simple talk, for the freedom of repentance and forgiveness.

Don't Hit Me When I'm Down

Today is a bad day. If it wasn't enough to be disappointed not to have time with my friend, the day got worse.

I never know at times what I will be facing. One day, things are fine, and I can count on sympathy and a warm hug. Another day, one tiny mistake or irritation, and I get blown out of the water. Thursday was more like the second.

The way I am built, I love peace. I crave gentleness, order, and being able to know what to expect from people. I can face changing circumstances relatively well, but I like to know what to expect from people. But I am capable of handling conflict. I prefer to deal with it right away or as soon as possible. To talk it out, deal with it, and go on.

I am married to someone who prefers to ignore it and hope it goes away. Or to punish me with the silent treatment. Who believes there is no point in discussing conflict at all. He'd rather just be silent and angry for days to weeks.

So, now I am enduring silent treatment. And I am struggling with it. On top of my disappointment, discouragement. How long will this go on? It hurts me.

Being trapped in the circle of ministry... where is there a place to ask for support and help? Where do I go to cry, to ask for encouragement? The people we are with are also team members, coworkers, friends. Do I humiliate my husband by taking personal problems there? Do I suffer in silence? I don't know how to handle this situation. There is no "good solution". The one person who is capable of dealing with it is gone. His schedule and my husbands will not intersect for another few months.

I just don't know. I hurt right now. And I haven't found an answer to this. I feel very alone. Struggling.

It is hard to be ok with God at times when faced with things like this. I don't know why. I just know if people are telling me I am unlovable and telling me they don't want me, it affects my relationship with God. I struggle to believe His truth about me.

This is my prayer right now when I turn my face up to God, "Love me right now obviously. I need to see it. I need Your comfort. Catch my tears, hold my heart, and be with me in the lonely, silent times. Give me hope again."

You Are Not What I Wanted

Hard words to hear. There is nothing we can do to fix those. We can fix, "You're not doing what I want" or even "You're not acting how I want you to". But "You are not what I wanted" is unfixable.

Especially hard to hear them from a husband.

Because there is no way to say, "oops, sorry then, I guess this was not the place for me. I'll go back and start my life again."

It is not how I am behaving. It is not what I am doing. No. It is who I am. How do you change your very person? Your "who"? And then, the question that follows closely on its heels - if you do change who you are, are you still you? Or are you some sick puppet-like human being constantly saying, "tell me who you want me to be, and I'll be that person."

I'm not sure I'm willing to go there.

I've been there before. Trying to be the best puppet I can be. It is a soulless occupation. Difficult even to retain a relationship with God in an unreal reality. How does this puppet-like person relate to God? "Someone tell me how I should, and I will." But where is the reality in that?

No. I am not a puppet. I want to know God. I want to know people. I want to love people and know they love me. I may not be what he wanted, but this is me. I can learn things, I can change, and I can even grow. But I can not be someone else.

I may not be what he wanted, but this is who I am.