Am I or Was I or What?

Ignoring the fact that tomorrow, I have probably the most important meeting of my life, and I am not sure how it will turn out.....

I was thinking today as I was driving home. I wondered, "what am I?" Am I a missionary? Or am I not? Am I now in a place where I say, "I was" or am I still? Theoretically, it doesn't mean much to me. There are problems in my life so much bigger than figuring out what I am. But the question still came up.

Yes, there is shame in becoming a "I was". If I am a "I was". But there are times that pain is so much greater than shame. It just remains an interesting question. Someone asked me today what I do. I didn't know how to answer. I live today. That is what I do. Today, I do laundry. Tomorrow, I don't know how my world will look like.

I don't think I could say "I am" when I am not so much right now. But, neither can I say, "I was" because I have not quit, either. I think I am just here - in the middle of nowhere. Strange when I named my blog, that was not where I was thinking that title would land me.

One day, I promise to write about the name of this blog. Because at present, I am not in a remote place. I am surrounded by people right now, in "the West" as we so generally say. Yes, we serve in the middle of nowhere.... but we are not serving right now. We are here inbetween saying "I am" and saying "I was". But the title came not from any of those, but from something long before my now, long before I felt called into missions. It came from a time when God decided to speak to a six year old girl before her life took a nose dive into awful darkness.

Today, I sit here in my middle of nowhere, not sure what my tomorrow will be like. It is a scary place. A few times today, I had to sit down, flushed, shaking, and dizzy when the reality of my now overwhelmed me. But I walk through today remembering a God who loved me enough to speak to me, and who throughout history has a habit of meeting His people in the middle of nowhere. He did it with Jacob - even when Jacob is not perhaps our most favorite characters. He did it with Elijah after his startling defeat and sullen pout. He's done it with me before.

So, I sit here, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea of what my tomorrow holds, but knowing the God who has proved Himself faithful in all my yesterdays. I don't have a lot of trust, but I'm using what I have to its maximum right now. And God is quieting my heart and waiting through this night with me.

I'm Scared

I'm scared. Tomorrow morning, I have to go to our normal meetings. If I put it off, it becomes worse. I'm scared. Not sure how I will cope in a group. Not sure what they will say.

Sunday, my husband will come back to the country. I meet with him in the afternoon with a leader. The kids are at friends for the weekend.

I'm dreading that meeting, sitting here shaking, crying thinking about it.

What do you say? How will he react? What do I do?

Because he will be in the morning meeting that Sunday, I have been asked to not come so that the first meeting is not in front of all the people, but to come in the afternoon to meet with him and the leader. So what do I do Sunday? I don't want to go somewhere strange when I am that tense. I don't want to stay home alone. Pray for someone to volunteer to stay with me - I don't think I can do that day by myself.

Snake Bite

Note:
Our house hold has recently acquired a garter snake. Why? Well, the boys caught it in a field. Actually, the way I look at it, it is not that bad. It is better than a bird which makes a mess; it is better than a rodent which stinks, and better than a dog which is an immense amount of work. A snake is a relatively easy pet. And it is small.

Well....

My five year old daughter came running the other day, her body shivering, but trying to be brave. "Mommy, what happens if the snake bites us? Is it poisonous?" Then her composure began to crack, and her little lip began to tremble. Tears swam in her eyes. "because it bit me two times......., but they were little bites and they don't really hurt."

Poor baby! I tipped her eyes up to meet mine and asked, "Do you think I would really let you play with a snake that is poisonous? The snake is not dangerous. I love you and want to keep you safe. I would not let you play with a poisonous snake ever!"

Relief poured in with two tears sneaking down her face on top of a relieved smile.

Time for a cuddle to let the shivers of remaining fear shudder out of her little body.

Taking the Plunge

A cold summer morning at the edge of the pool somewhere up north. Swimming lessons at 8:15. The pool filled with glacier run off, and hasn't yet had enough hot summer days to warm up.

Do you ease in slowly, only enduring a small amount of pain at a time, but drag it out? Or do you take the plunge?

Remember the friend I was not completely sure about? Insecure. Not knowing what she meant. Do I really risk being open with her when I don't know how she will react?

Another risk faced me recently. A room full of women I had not met before. We met to learn from each other how to best minister to women. All of us from different places, different countries.

How much do I risk? Do I watch carefully, testing slowly to see if I can trust? Or do I just take the plunge?

I used to leap wildly into the water when I was a skinny ten year old kid. Now, I am much more of an "easer-slowly-in". My kids watch this process laughing. "Mom, just jump in and get it over with! It is not that cold once you're all wet."

I know they are right, but brrr!

I took the risk with my friend. Decided to just tell myself to assume the best, and go ahead and trust her.

I faced the room full of women. I was asked to share my life. What do I share? My carefully constructed nice life? Or who I am with all my failures, history that is definitely not beautiful, and my current struggles? Really the shape I am in now, some will argue that I ought to be kicked off the field, not reaching out more. What do I share?

But over the last few years, my attention has been caught by something. Someone has shown this to me and it is beautiful. It attracts more than light does to mosquitoes. Transparency. The ability to be open with others. As I have watched and learn to walk this way little by little, it has changed me. The beautifully constructed nice lives do not appeal to me anymore. They are a shallow beauty, much like a painting, compared to the real.

Yes, realness means there are shadows in life, but shadows do not take away the beauty. They add depth.

So I stood on the edge of my cold pool, and jumped. This is who I am.

Something else about transparency - it is refreshing, much like that cold swimming pool at 8:15.

What happened? That is a different story. But a good one.