I Should Write

 People say that often... "you should write"  or "do you have a blog?  You should!"

I always smile and say, "Maybe one day...." or "I'm too busy to write..."

I am.  One day, I should tell you what I am up to now - it's amazing, and I love it, and life giving and deeply involved in ministry that I was created to do!  

But I didn't write my story mainly for one reason - to protect people.  And usually to protect people who didn't deserve protecting.

To protect an abusive spouse's image.

To protect the name of a mission that told me they wouldn't listen to any claims of abuse.  Who told my that I was a "pathological liar" because he was not angry outside the home.

To protect the name of another mission who told me that while they believed he was abusive, that I was also abusive to him (but they would not tell me any of the accusations against me because the accuser "wouldn't cooperate with their request to do that"), so they decided that it was a situation of "mutual abuse".

I didn't write because I protected everyone.... everyone except myself and my kids.

After the second mission came to their inherently uneducated decision, I launched on a process of appeal and attempts at education.  Not so much an appeal of my personal case because I told them I would not appeal that.  I had hoped that if I took everything I had to gain out of the situation, that they would be more open to learning and less defending.  I attempted to advocate for their ill-informed process of dealing with domestic abuse (oh, and an affair.).

I failed.

It was a year of very hard advocacy.  There were about five main points I went for:

1. The wisdom of having a woman on the deciding panel and team dealing with a situation.

2. Proper domestic abuse training for members and leaders, and more indepth training given to member care people.

3. That the voice of professionals ie, counselors, psychologists, etc, be taken into account and their view on a situation considered.

4. That a process of appeal be open and told to all members so that when they feel a situation is not being heard well, they have a route of appeal.

5. That all accusations that one would be fired on or disciplined on be made known to the accused prior to action being taken on them and the accused be allowed to both hear and answer to the accusations.

I thought they were pretty reasonable requests, and I fought well and hard.

I was able to make changes in that mission agency for #1, #2, and #4.  

But no progress on the biggest one that will help victims of domestic abuse be safe #3 and #5.   Abusers tend to be hard to spot, very manipulative, and get in close with leaders and inflate their sense of worth and usefulness.  Mission leaders tend to be about usefulness, great stories, good PR, and administration.  They are often not trained in psychology or counseling or capable of seeing the harder to spot signs of manipulation and abuse.  They are not the people to make the decisions, but without the voice of a professional being valued, they are often the ones who will make the decision.  #5 The basic principle of transparency is the key to avoiding manipulation and abuse.  

Basically, "Walk in the Light".  It's what we are called to do for a very real reason.

And I failed.  I feel that failure.  I gave up so much for it.  I fought so hard.  I am really struggling with that failure.  You see, I wish I had had someone to fight for me, to advocate for me all these years, and I went in to this to advocate for safety for the next "me".  And I lost.

However, during that season of advocacy, I didn't write because I was protecting the agency.  I really, really wanted to sit down at the end of it and write the story of redemption.  The story of an agency who got it, who learned, who implemented safe practices.  

But it didn't end up that way.  I did create some safety.  I did create some awareness.  I did create some waves within the organization that I hope continue to fight for better practices.

But I am deeply tired, deeply sad, and deeply wounded.  I wanted a faith that apologizes when we do wrong, but the organization changed several policies, but refused any apology.  The "we should have done this better", but "you're not worth us apologizing to for having done this poorly".

That does not reflect the heart of God.

But I have just been set free from my "not now" in regards to writing my story.  I am no longer protecting anyone.  It is time to begin to speak, but I am still sorting out how that will be.

What I do know is something watching Jesus sit with His disciples at the last supper.  He was asked who would betray Him, and He knew!  He knew exactly who it was.  But He didn't answer right away.  He gave this coded answer...  why?

I think that initial refusal to say "Hey guys, Judas is going to betray Me tonight and get me killed."  allowed time for each disciple to search their heart.  For the internal response to me more a "is it me?  It's not, is it?"  rather than "kill Judas!"

I may not name the organizations when I find my voice.  Because it is less about "oh, that group is crappy!" and more about "how are we set up to face this?"

Because the stats say that one in four marriages have a level of abuse in them.  Even if the stats are a little off, that is a heck of a lot of people!  Too many for our churches and missions to hide their heads in the sand and assert that "we don't really face that problem, thank God."  They do.  They just haven't made a safe place to deal with it yet.

It's time to do that.