Am I or Was I or What?

Ignoring the fact that tomorrow, I have probably the most important meeting of my life, and I am not sure how it will turn out.....

I was thinking today as I was driving home. I wondered, "what am I?" Am I a missionary? Or am I not? Am I now in a place where I say, "I was" or am I still? Theoretically, it doesn't mean much to me. There are problems in my life so much bigger than figuring out what I am. But the question still came up.

Yes, there is shame in becoming a "I was". If I am a "I was". But there are times that pain is so much greater than shame. It just remains an interesting question. Someone asked me today what I do. I didn't know how to answer. I live today. That is what I do. Today, I do laundry. Tomorrow, I don't know how my world will look like.

I don't think I could say "I am" when I am not so much right now. But, neither can I say, "I was" because I have not quit, either. I think I am just here - in the middle of nowhere. Strange when I named my blog, that was not where I was thinking that title would land me.

One day, I promise to write about the name of this blog. Because at present, I am not in a remote place. I am surrounded by people right now, in "the West" as we so generally say. Yes, we serve in the middle of nowhere.... but we are not serving right now. We are here inbetween saying "I am" and saying "I was". But the title came not from any of those, but from something long before my now, long before I felt called into missions. It came from a time when God decided to speak to a six year old girl before her life took a nose dive into awful darkness.

Today, I sit here in my middle of nowhere, not sure what my tomorrow will be like. It is a scary place. A few times today, I had to sit down, flushed, shaking, and dizzy when the reality of my now overwhelmed me. But I walk through today remembering a God who loved me enough to speak to me, and who throughout history has a habit of meeting His people in the middle of nowhere. He did it with Jacob - even when Jacob is not perhaps our most favorite characters. He did it with Elijah after his startling defeat and sullen pout. He's done it with me before.

So, I sit here, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea of what my tomorrow holds, but knowing the God who has proved Himself faithful in all my yesterdays. I don't have a lot of trust, but I'm using what I have to its maximum right now. And God is quieting my heart and waiting through this night with me.

Moving Again

No, not our house... thankfully, not again.

But our office. We just got given notice, which means we need to move. We had a free place, so a move is going to mean major changes. Pray.

Pray for the right decision, God's leading, and for agreement among the people making the decision.

Thanks.

Where are you from? When we can not say...

Ah.. the question we hate as MKs. There is no "good answer". I sat down tonight after I got home way too late already and read blogs from other missionary women. I had to confess that I was jealous.

Jealous? Why?

Because I would love to write a blog, to share my life, to post cute pictures of my great kids, to chat and get responses back. But as I read through the blogs, I noticed that there are a large percentage from South America, some from Africa, and a few from Europe. (That is as far as I got reading tonight.) I loved your blogs! I am not jealous of your life... well, maybe a bit. I spent a few years in South America, and it is a special place to me. I'm jealous of your ability to write publically about what you do.

Where are you from? Where do you live?

How many of us missionaries can not answer that question? Some of us work in countries that we may not talk about. How much we would love to share our lives, let you laugh with us at our children, cry with us in our struggles, and just be a part of our lives. We can't. So we read your blogs and stay in the shadows. Slightly jealous, yes, of your ability to talk freely.

I can not tell you what is happening in my life. I can not post a photo of my children. I can not tell you what I struggle with right now. I can not even tell you what exactly I do. Nor where I am. It makes blogging difficult.

There are probably many of us silent readers, unable to share our lives. Yet, thank-you for posting yours. We may be slightly jealous of your ability, but we love to look into your lives and laugh with you.

Right now, I am currently in a "safe country". But still, I can not talk about my life. It leaves only my thoughts to talk about, my kids, generic things. I may try a generic blog. I don't know if it will work. But, I wonder, are there others of us who dare not answer those questions, "where are you, and what do you do" in public? Can we talk without talking? Tonight, I am praying for all of you who read in the shadows quietly, unable to share your world, unable to even post your name on a blog. It is a lonely position at times.

Today, I am struggling with things in my life. Tomorrow looks pretty dark to me. And yet, I am still in a position where I am very limited in who I can talk to about it. So my tears fall quietly in the dark, and I am listening for the quiet voice. I know God sees me. I don't always feel it, but I know it. And I am sitting here reading blogs way too late at night to remind me that God sees His children, and He is in the habit of coming through for them.

So hi to all you other missionary wives and moms out there! I may be slightly jealous about your ability to speak, but it is still special to be a part of your lives, even sitting in the shadows reading your blogs.