Am I or Was I or What?

Ignoring the fact that tomorrow, I have probably the most important meeting of my life, and I am not sure how it will turn out.....

I was thinking today as I was driving home. I wondered, "what am I?" Am I a missionary? Or am I not? Am I now in a place where I say, "I was" or am I still? Theoretically, it doesn't mean much to me. There are problems in my life so much bigger than figuring out what I am. But the question still came up.

Yes, there is shame in becoming a "I was". If I am a "I was". But there are times that pain is so much greater than shame. It just remains an interesting question. Someone asked me today what I do. I didn't know how to answer. I live today. That is what I do. Today, I do laundry. Tomorrow, I don't know how my world will look like.

I don't think I could say "I am" when I am not so much right now. But, neither can I say, "I was" because I have not quit, either. I think I am just here - in the middle of nowhere. Strange when I named my blog, that was not where I was thinking that title would land me.

One day, I promise to write about the name of this blog. Because at present, I am not in a remote place. I am surrounded by people right now, in "the West" as we so generally say. Yes, we serve in the middle of nowhere.... but we are not serving right now. We are here inbetween saying "I am" and saying "I was". But the title came not from any of those, but from something long before my now, long before I felt called into missions. It came from a time when God decided to speak to a six year old girl before her life took a nose dive into awful darkness.

Today, I sit here in my middle of nowhere, not sure what my tomorrow will be like. It is a scary place. A few times today, I had to sit down, flushed, shaking, and dizzy when the reality of my now overwhelmed me. But I walk through today remembering a God who loved me enough to speak to me, and who throughout history has a habit of meeting His people in the middle of nowhere. He did it with Jacob - even when Jacob is not perhaps our most favorite characters. He did it with Elijah after his startling defeat and sullen pout. He's done it with me before.

So, I sit here, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea of what my tomorrow holds, but knowing the God who has proved Himself faithful in all my yesterdays. I don't have a lot of trust, but I'm using what I have to its maximum right now. And God is quieting my heart and waiting through this night with me.

A Night Awake

Well, the news has been told to my husband by leadership. He blew up angry, and is still angry. He spent the night sending e-mails about to me everyone he knows, so I am expecting calls today from people I really didn't want to explain this to.

It's been a rough night, and I don't know that the day will get better. Pray for me, for endurance, for wise choices by the leadership, for wisdom and strength for the couple that my husband is with, and for a heart willing to listen.

Tomorrow's Meeting

So, tomorrow, I sit down face to face with one person who, hopefully will begin the process of helping in this situation. It has been a frustrating week for me besides a very difficult one. It seems as if leadership, at times, likes to stick its head in the sand and hope for the best. Or perhaps they are all nervous and not sure what should be done.

I've felt like an accident victim surrounded by amateur, nervous first aide responders. They all circle around hesitantly, but there is no clear chain of command, no good communication, and no clear course of action. It is as if they are all standing around wondering who should do what.

It is frustrating. So pray for the meeting tomorrow, and pray for a good, clear course of action and for wisdom. Pray for patience for me. I am not really a "sit around and wonder what to do" type of person in a crisis. I usually assess quickly, take charge if needed or determine who is in charge and make myself available to them, and act. Circled unsure faces are hard to cope with when it is you lying on the pavement.