Sunday, June 15, 2008

Where are you from? When we can not say...

Ah.. the question we hate as MKs. There is no "good answer". I sat down tonight after I got home way too late already and read blogs from other missionary women. I had to confess that I was jealous.

Jealous? Why?

Because I would love to write a blog, to share my life, to post cute pictures of my great kids, to chat and get responses back. But as I read through the blogs, I noticed that there are a large percentage from South America, some from Africa, and a few from Europe. (That is as far as I got reading tonight.) I loved your blogs! I am not jealous of your life... well, maybe a bit. I spent a few years in South America, and it is a special place to me. I'm jealous of your ability to write publically about what you do.

Where are you from? Where do you live?

How many of us missionaries can not answer that question? Some of us work in countries that we may not talk about. How much we would love to share our lives, let you laugh with us at our children, cry with us in our struggles, and just be a part of our lives. We can't. So we read your blogs and stay in the shadows. Slightly jealous, yes, of your ability to talk freely.

I can not tell you what is happening in my life. I can not post a photo of my children. I can not tell you what I struggle with right now. I can not even tell you what exactly I do. Nor where I am. It makes blogging difficult.

There are probably many of us silent readers, unable to share our lives. Yet, thank-you for posting yours. We may be slightly jealous of your ability, but we love to look into your lives and laugh with you.

Right now, I am currently in a "safe country". But still, I can not talk about my life. It leaves only my thoughts to talk about, my kids, generic things. I may try a generic blog. I don't know if it will work. But, I wonder, are there others of us who dare not answer those questions, "where are you, and what do you do" in public? Can we talk without talking? Tonight, I am praying for all of you who read in the shadows quietly, unable to share your world, unable to even post your name on a blog. It is a lonely position at times.

Today, I am struggling with things in my life. Tomorrow looks pretty dark to me. And yet, I am still in a position where I am very limited in who I can talk to about it. So my tears fall quietly in the dark, and I am listening for the quiet voice. I know God sees me. I don't always feel it, but I know it. And I am sitting here reading blogs way too late at night to remind me that God sees His children, and He is in the habit of coming through for them.

So hi to all you other missionary wives and moms out there! I may be slightly jealous about your ability to speak, but it is still special to be a part of your lives, even sitting in the shadows reading your blogs.


-J said...

Just found your blog. I'm one of the not-so-public ones also. Would love to interact more by email if you want: jnchiba at gmail dot com.

Praying you find His grace enough for today. Like manna, it will be fresh tomorrow.

Ellie said...

Thanks Judith!

I'd love to hear from more not-so-public and not-so-perfect people! There has to be more than two of us in the world!