Don't Hit Me When I'm Down

Today is a bad day. If it wasn't enough to be disappointed not to have time with my friend, the day got worse.

I never know at times what I will be facing. One day, things are fine, and I can count on sympathy and a warm hug. Another day, one tiny mistake or irritation, and I get blown out of the water. Thursday was more like the second.

The way I am built, I love peace. I crave gentleness, order, and being able to know what to expect from people. I can face changing circumstances relatively well, but I like to know what to expect from people. But I am capable of handling conflict. I prefer to deal with it right away or as soon as possible. To talk it out, deal with it, and go on.

I am married to someone who prefers to ignore it and hope it goes away. Or to punish me with the silent treatment. Who believes there is no point in discussing conflict at all. He'd rather just be silent and angry for days to weeks.

So, now I am enduring silent treatment. And I am struggling with it. On top of my disappointment, discouragement. How long will this go on? It hurts me.

Being trapped in the circle of ministry... where is there a place to ask for support and help? Where do I go to cry, to ask for encouragement? The people we are with are also team members, coworkers, friends. Do I humiliate my husband by taking personal problems there? Do I suffer in silence? I don't know how to handle this situation. There is no "good solution". The one person who is capable of dealing with it is gone. His schedule and my husbands will not intersect for another few months.

I just don't know. I hurt right now. And I haven't found an answer to this. I feel very alone. Struggling.

It is hard to be ok with God at times when faced with things like this. I don't know why. I just know if people are telling me I am unlovable and telling me they don't want me, it affects my relationship with God. I struggle to believe His truth about me.

This is my prayer right now when I turn my face up to God, "Love me right now obviously. I need to see it. I need Your comfort. Catch my tears, hold my heart, and be with me in the lonely, silent times. Give me hope again."

You Are Not What I Wanted

Hard words to hear. There is nothing we can do to fix those. We can fix, "You're not doing what I want" or even "You're not acting how I want you to". But "You are not what I wanted" is unfixable.

Especially hard to hear them from a husband.

Because there is no way to say, "oops, sorry then, I guess this was not the place for me. I'll go back and start my life again."

It is not how I am behaving. It is not what I am doing. No. It is who I am. How do you change your very person? Your "who"? And then, the question that follows closely on its heels - if you do change who you are, are you still you? Or are you some sick puppet-like human being constantly saying, "tell me who you want me to be, and I'll be that person."

I'm not sure I'm willing to go there.

I've been there before. Trying to be the best puppet I can be. It is a soulless occupation. Difficult even to retain a relationship with God in an unreal reality. How does this puppet-like person relate to God? "Someone tell me how I should, and I will." But where is the reality in that?

No. I am not a puppet. I want to know God. I want to know people. I want to love people and know they love me. I may not be what he wanted, but this is me. I can learn things, I can change, and I can even grow. But I can not be someone else.

I may not be what he wanted, but this is who I am.

When Your Own Side Shoots Arrows

What happens if we talk?

That was my last question. Because I'm struggling. Maybe I am the only one. I doubt it. I heard recently of things which happened to missionary families, broken marriages, lost faith, things we would not whisper of.

I'm struggling. I talked to two friends. Friends who listen, who hug, who pray for us are a blessing. Precious things.

But both said the same. "You need to talk to your leadership. You need help."

I did agree. I was not excited about it. This is the same leadership who has been too busy to respond as this situation slowly worsened. I was never sure if they really believed there was a problem. Or if our "job" or our "abilities" were of more importance than the fact that help is needed.

But I told them. There are struggles, and help is needed.

My field leader listened. He sounded so sympathetic, so kind. Of course, I am concerned, and will help.

Two days later, a phone call. Accusing me of making things up, of exaggerating things.

Where do we go when we hurt? I already knew this would be his response. I knew because he has responded this way many times over the last several years as this problem increased and grew worse. Ah, but it hurts all the same. Deep, scarring pain.

So where do we go when we hurt? Today, I don't know.

A verse came into my head today as I worked, alternating between anger and tears at the treatment I am facing. I don't want to dishonor God's name. I don't want to destroy people. I simply need help. My kids need help. But we are ignored, set aside. Your needs are not as important as your uses. Being accused of lying, of many things. It hurts.

The quiet voice which comes when I get to the end of my fussings and tears, and look up at God with quieted tears. "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head." Ps 3:3.

Oh God who sees, You, Yourself, are my shield. Shield me from the attacks of men who should be on my side, but who are today shooting arrows, lies, unseeing of our pain. My glory. You, Yourself, are my glory, my honor. The One who lifts my head. When people judge, when people accuse, when people cover their eyes and stop their ears and walk on and say "a real missionary would...", You don't. You stoop down and lift my head again. Give me grace to live, strength to act as Your child. God, who sees, my eyes are on You.

Some arrows hit hard and sink deep. Lord, catch my tears.

Where do we go when....?

There is one thing I rarely hear talked about in missionary circles, yet I know it exists. I see it. Real struggles. But we whisper if we do talk about it.

Where do we go when we hurt? When we need help? How do we deal with our struggles honestly?

I am not talking about the "acceptable list". There are some struggles that we are allowed to have. Everyone expects them. Struggles with homesickness, struggles with loneliness, with adapting, with impatience, with feelings of inadequacies, doubts, etc. Struggles after trauma. These are acceptable struggles. We are allowed them.

But what about the other ones? Where do we go when we are in real pain? When our lives are falling down around our ears? When we struggle with things we fear that if we talk about our struggles, people will yank us off the field in shame and disgrace? What then? Do we talk or do we try to ignore it and struggle on on our own trying to "get better" so we can "do"?

Is this a position unique to missionaries? I know that all people struggle with things, with talking openly about issues, with transparency. But how about us? If we talk, we risk so much. If we don't, we also risk. And who do we talk to? Our coworkers who we have to see every day? Our field leaders who have so much to do and may not see the situation the way we see it? Our church who think we are better than we are and also are our source of financial support that we worked so hard to raise? Who do you talk to? What has worked? What hasn't?

It is hard when you live a life with eyes always on you to deal with your struggles honestly. Today, I hurt. But today, I have to.... So do I go on stuffing the pain and the struggles under my shirt, put my smile on, and go on doing? Or do I say, "I hurt here"? And what are the consequences of that?

I'm leaning towards the "it's time to talk" side. But to who? And what will be the result? I don't know. I'm leaving that in God's hands - or I'm trying to. I keep coming back to Him, grabbing it out of His hands and saying, "hey, have You thought about this? What if....?" Then I have to realize again that I can not live my life by the "what ifs". I have to leave those to God.

Funny how we can trust Him to move us across the world, care for details, open doors, reach out to the lost through us (that takes some faith at times!), protect us from harm, but we have a hard time trusting Him to deal with our own hearts.

I'm struggling today. Hurt by some things. And I wonder... how do we talk? Are we honest with each other?

I began to talk to two people, sharing what is going on. I half expected scoldings. But I got tears. One is struggling with that, too. Perhaps further ahead than I am, but still hurting. We can at least hug each other now, pray for each other. The other one struggled with it years ago, but not so many years that the tears did not come for them too. They know it hurts. But they have walked through it and out the other side. They could give me hope.

It does not fix my situation. But today I have someone who I can talk to. I still do not know what God will do in this situation. But I am not alone. I still feel alone at times, but I am not. Working with, fellowshipping with, being with the same people can at times be too close for comfort, too close to share all problems, but I have two people who can look me in the eyes when they pass me in the halls, and I know they are praying.... not just that we will be safe, effective, used, blessed, but for this, for my struggles today.

I still have to decide what is the next step. I haven't done that yet. But I am beginning. I'm hoping, like sky-diving, that it is the first step that is the hardest, and the rest just sort of happens after that. I doubt it, but it would sure be nice!