Saturday, September 20, 2008

Don't Hit Me When I'm Down

Today is a bad day. If it wasn't enough to be disappointed not to have time with my friend, the day got worse.

I never know at times what I will be facing. One day, things are fine, and I can count on sympathy and a warm hug. Another day, one tiny mistake or irritation, and I get blown out of the water. Thursday was more like the second.

The way I am built, I love peace. I crave gentleness, order, and being able to know what to expect from people. I can face changing circumstances relatively well, but I like to know what to expect from people. But I am capable of handling conflict. I prefer to deal with it right away or as soon as possible. To talk it out, deal with it, and go on.

I am married to someone who prefers to ignore it and hope it goes away. Or to punish me with the silent treatment. Who believes there is no point in discussing conflict at all. He'd rather just be silent and angry for days to weeks.

So, now I am enduring silent treatment. And I am struggling with it. On top of my disappointment, discouragement. How long will this go on? It hurts me.

Being trapped in the circle of ministry... where is there a place to ask for support and help? Where do I go to cry, to ask for encouragement? The people we are with are also team members, coworkers, friends. Do I humiliate my husband by taking personal problems there? Do I suffer in silence? I don't know how to handle this situation. There is no "good solution". The one person who is capable of dealing with it is gone. His schedule and my husbands will not intersect for another few months.

I just don't know. I hurt right now. And I haven't found an answer to this. I feel very alone. Struggling.

It is hard to be ok with God at times when faced with things like this. I don't know why. I just know if people are telling me I am unlovable and telling me they don't want me, it affects my relationship with God. I struggle to believe His truth about me.

This is my prayer right now when I turn my face up to God, "Love me right now obviously. I need to see it. I need Your comfort. Catch my tears, hold my heart, and be with me in the lonely, silent times. Give me hope again."

3 comments:

Becky Aguirre said...

I think I lost your blog for a while...did you switch sites? I am so sorry to hear that you are down and feeling alone. I wish I had words to encourage you, it's hard to know what to say! I relate to your situation, husband and all-I remember reading an article called "Who will carry the Mommy?" or something like that and crying because that was my question? When I can't even count on my husband to carry me, what do I do? And yet that very loneliness was what God used to show me that HE IS ENOUGH. I have learned to become grateful for the rough spots because they were what drove me to Him. I am praying for you, my friend.

Cindy said...

You are being prayed for...
Honest.

Ellie said...

Thanks!