Hold your Breath and Don't Move - A Quiet Day!

Well, today, up to now, has gone ok so far. Still hoping... well - we did hear that there was another kidnapping, but it was not one of ours, so it doesn't hit quite so close, but we are always aware of our team members who are "in country" right now, and know they are under unbelievable stress.

But, quiet day, busy, but no major incidents. I'll take one of those any day!

Erin - I actually was thinking of a massage the other day. I had one once when we were in Thailand, and oohhh! But tonight, I might try a hot bath without kids asking me questions through the door.

Becky and Beth - ha! My mom taught me early - whether because I had a temper or because she had a lot of housework, I don't know - to find some nasty job that really needs to get done and you hate to do and do that when you are angry instead of beating people up. Yeah, well, my mom had some really clean places in her house! I didn't have much energy today, so I just mopped the floors - it was enough.

That is what I wrote to the pastor's wife later when I wrote her - "I know you did not intend to hurt me, but what I need right now is someone who intends to comfort me." It is at times not enough to have a lack of intent to harm, but we need to intend to comfort. I think it is Isaiah 61 that talks about coming to bind up, comfort, etc. When I work with nursing home patients, I often can not heal, fix, or change anything. But I do have an enormous capacity and opportunity to comfort. There are days I hate my job - but the times when I can bring comfort even for a second or two are worth all the poop I wash up. (sorry, people!)

Yet today did bring good news. My husband phoned and came over this morning to use the vonage phone to do some quick business in regards to another kidnapping - checking in with a few people... Then he stayed and helped get the kids out the door (you have to realize that he has not helped in this task for two years, only criticized my ability to do it.) He asked what he could do, and threw a roast in to slow cook for me. He stopped this morning to say he was sorry for the fight on the weekend with my dad, and said he would talk to him.

He came back in the afternoon because he wanted to talk to me, and again said he was sorry for the way he has been going about things, and said he had a good long talk with my dad and apologized. (This is a man whose apologies in years of marriage I could count on one hand!) We did not get to talk this afternoon.... um, there are four kids running around the house needing to do homework, and there is supper to cook, and things like this....

But he invited me out for supper with him and another couple who are friends of ours tomorrow night. He left early since he didn't sleep last night, and said he wanted me to meet him for lunch tomorrow and he would talk to me then.

So, ladies, keep praying.... it has been a tough month, but I think God is working....I'm just not sure what is with the "kill off a few of my friends along the way" thing, but God is working. And - ya'll should meet me during a normal time - I'm slightly more stable then, and sort of nice. :-) But I'm thankful to have all of you in my life right now.... without you, I'm not sure if I would have been able to keep my head above water at times.

Dealing with People

Now comes step two. People.

My husband opened the door to people before I expected it, before we were able to sit together with a leader and come to an agreement about what was to be said to who and how it was to be said. He is still not in this country, so today I am dealing with people.

I'm not ready to deal with people.

Emotionally, I just hanging on. I'm physically exhausted, and yet sleep does not come. I'm not eating well, and have lost 15 lbs in two weeks... trust me, I do not mourn their loss! ... but this is not helping me be strong right now. I am aware that I am a physical barrier of protection between my children who do not know and the greater community who does.

I'm just not ready to deal with people.

What was that we used to yell when we finished counting when we played hide and seek? "Ready or not, here I come!"

Ready or not, here they come. Three last night, late at night. Then two more this morning, and now one more message on my machine. I'm going to be charitable and assume the best - that all these people care deeply about us, about our family, and the situation. But they are not helping. I need those police who stand by and say, "keep moving" and "back off, give the paramedics some room". Where is the police tape when you need it? This is not a situation for well-wishers and funeral criers. This is a situation for well-trained, focused helpers organized under one clear leadership.

I appreciate people. I do. I need their prayers. I just do not need their questions. I don't even need their sympathy. It is amazing how fast the sympathy of others can get you to feel sorry for yourself. I do not need their guilt. I have enough guilt of my own without hearing their snap decisions on the matter. I stand before God - let Him convict or clear me, and let Him speak to me through the godly people He has put in authority over me right now, but not through the thronging crowd.

Yet, each one of these people represent friends, coworkers, church family, family. They are all people I love. I am aware that my failings have hurt them. I have disappointed them. I have shaken their feeling of security. On our team, we were leaders, and we have failed publicly. I know that people I love are hurt and confused. That hurts me. I am a carer, a comforter. I want to make them better. I can't. I can't even listen to their pain.

Then, the shame is coming. Going from being leaders to being the fallen. The bump at the bottom is a pretty hard one. I was already bruised before the fall. It is not an easy place to be. Humiliating.

We had a death in our extended team today - a sudden, unexpected death - someone gunned down senselessly. As a group we are hurting. And this has to be the day that our news breaks, too. I feel sad; sad that we dump two things on people at once. That the sorrow of mourning a coworker has to be contaminated by our failings, too.

I have determined two things.

One - the leader who is dealing with the problem is going to be the person dealing with the problem. So conversation about what happens and who knows what will happen through him, not through the waiting crowd. This is not trial by jury.

Two - I will not speak bad of my husband in the public. There are places for the truth, spoken simply, but that place is likely not to people not involved in the solution. I want to be a woman of grace and honor. That can be difficult in this situation, but I chose to honor my husband through this by controlling how publicly he is shamed. I do not need to answer every public accusation. God has promised to be my shield and defender and the lifter of my head.

I spent another night awake with God last night, crying. Not the throw yourself on the bed and sob type of crying, but the quiet sniffles. I am not unaccustomed to pain. My life has not necessarily been an easy one, so pain and I have become familiar with each other. But last night, I begged God to take this one away, to give me another pain in exchange. Just not this one.

God sat silent last night.

He sat and looked at me, silent. Not the unlistening type of silent, but the looking through me silence. Waiting for me to sit quietly, too. To still my heart. To stop looking around for the escape door or for ways to manipulate the situation. To still my heart and be ready to walk with Him through my day.

I'm quieter today.

And in the midst of the crowd of spectators, there are those quiet, godly people who have stepped forward. There are some areas they have stepped into with practical help and godly advice and encouragement. I have seen God's hand in bringing these people into the positions they are in for such a time as this. I'm deeply grateful for them.

Pass the Chocolate!

My daughter (5) today was collapsed outside in a heap on the grass sobbing during recess. I went to see why. Her best friend was collapsed a few feet away sobbing. I put her on my lap where she continued to cry and insist, "I don't want to tell you why!" I insisted that she needs to tell me, and slowly the story came out.

Apparently the teacher said something, and it made her feel bad, so she was crying. Why is your friend crying? "Because I am!", she wailed! Ah, for a good friend! So I carried her over to her best friend and told both huddled heaps that when women feel bad, we like to find a friend and eat chocolate and cry together. The older girls who had gathered around the spectacle of two small wailing heaps on the grass agreed. "Yes, that is what we do when we are sad."

Two little heads peeped half up at me, and one asked, "Do you have chocolate?"

"No. No chocolate, sorry, but one of the big girls, has some cookies here, maybe she'll share." Then I excused myself for a second.

Went to the teacher, got an explanation. She was totally unaware that her half-teasing comment had two small girls sobbing, so out she went to sit by the huddled heaps and talk it over. I stayed away. After a few minutes, the heaps sat up, brushed their hair out of their eyes, and went back inside - problem solved, even without chocolate.

Thank-you to all of you who would have been over eating chocolate with me this week!

Argh! I Hate Disappointment!

It is not that it is such a big disappointment, not really. It is just that it is disappointing. I had been looking forward to something for a few days, hoping to get a chance to do it. A chance to spend time with a friend. It wasn't even guaranteed, just a possibility. But as the possibility grew closer and closer, I think I pinned more of my hopes on it.

It didn't work out. And the chance to do this again won't come for several weeks, more than a month. So I am disappointed.

I should know better. It was just a chance, and it didn't work out.

But I am feeling down today. Sad. And irritated at myself for being so disappointed - I could have just tried not to hope so much... but how do you realistically do that when it comes to something spending time with a good friend? I did go out for coffee with another friend today, and I am back into things here, building connections with people around me... but a good friend is still a special thing, and I miss that time I was hoping to have.

What Did She Mean?

I just had a conversation with another friend.

This is one friend that I think I like. I am never quite sure.

I've been friends with her for several years. She has been in my life even before I had all my kids.

And yet, there are times that I really don't know. I come away from talking with her just a few times and think, "what did she really mean?"

It is unsettling. Maybe it is just because I am insecure. Maybe it is because we are from two different countries and we have slightly different ways of saying things. Maybe...

I just don't know.

I hate the uncertainty that comes in there, longing for stability in my instable world.

Then there is God. Thankfully, He speaks my language, whatever mix of languages and idiosyncrasies that really is. With Him, there is no worrying uncertainty.

Words of a Friend

Have you ever had a friend who being with is like taking a deep breath and breathing out in a sigh of relief?

I have a few. They are the type of friends that you can not have many of. There is only so much room in a tight circle.

One of those stepped into my life today.

What a relief! Not just to be talked to by someone who will scold me, not just by someone who will say comforting words to me, but someone who speaks the truth to me plainly because they love me deeply.

Yes, some truth is not easy, but the love behind it makes it worthwhile. And when truth is spoken, the comfort, the encouragement that also comes means so much more. It is not simply words to make me feel better. It is real.

And only a friend will really know how much I am struggling, and how much the last few weeks have hurt me. And only a true friend will tell me they know that, but despite how I feel, I need to make the right choices.

It is good to have a friend.

It does not take away pain. It doesn't get me out of this struggle. But it helps me to get my perspective and gives me the encouragement to go on.

Ps 27:9 Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a man's counsel is sweet to his friend.

When Your Own Side Shoots Arrows

What happens if we talk?

That was my last question. Because I'm struggling. Maybe I am the only one. I doubt it. I heard recently of things which happened to missionary families, broken marriages, lost faith, things we would not whisper of.

I'm struggling. I talked to two friends. Friends who listen, who hug, who pray for us are a blessing. Precious things.

But both said the same. "You need to talk to your leadership. You need help."

I did agree. I was not excited about it. This is the same leadership who has been too busy to respond as this situation slowly worsened. I was never sure if they really believed there was a problem. Or if our "job" or our "abilities" were of more importance than the fact that help is needed.

But I told them. There are struggles, and help is needed.

My field leader listened. He sounded so sympathetic, so kind. Of course, I am concerned, and will help.

Two days later, a phone call. Accusing me of making things up, of exaggerating things.

Where do we go when we hurt? I already knew this would be his response. I knew because he has responded this way many times over the last several years as this problem increased and grew worse. Ah, but it hurts all the same. Deep, scarring pain.

So where do we go when we hurt? Today, I don't know.

A verse came into my head today as I worked, alternating between anger and tears at the treatment I am facing. I don't want to dishonor God's name. I don't want to destroy people. I simply need help. My kids need help. But we are ignored, set aside. Your needs are not as important as your uses. Being accused of lying, of many things. It hurts.

The quiet voice which comes when I get to the end of my fussings and tears, and look up at God with quieted tears. "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head." Ps 3:3.

Oh God who sees, You, Yourself, are my shield. Shield me from the attacks of men who should be on my side, but who are today shooting arrows, lies, unseeing of our pain. My glory. You, Yourself, are my glory, my honor. The One who lifts my head. When people judge, when people accuse, when people cover their eyes and stop their ears and walk on and say "a real missionary would...", You don't. You stoop down and lift my head again. Give me grace to live, strength to act as Your child. God, who sees, my eyes are on You.

Some arrows hit hard and sink deep. Lord, catch my tears.

Where do we go when....?

There is one thing I rarely hear talked about in missionary circles, yet I know it exists. I see it. Real struggles. But we whisper if we do talk about it.

Where do we go when we hurt? When we need help? How do we deal with our struggles honestly?

I am not talking about the "acceptable list". There are some struggles that we are allowed to have. Everyone expects them. Struggles with homesickness, struggles with loneliness, with adapting, with impatience, with feelings of inadequacies, doubts, etc. Struggles after trauma. These are acceptable struggles. We are allowed them.

But what about the other ones? Where do we go when we are in real pain? When our lives are falling down around our ears? When we struggle with things we fear that if we talk about our struggles, people will yank us off the field in shame and disgrace? What then? Do we talk or do we try to ignore it and struggle on on our own trying to "get better" so we can "do"?

Is this a position unique to missionaries? I know that all people struggle with things, with talking openly about issues, with transparency. But how about us? If we talk, we risk so much. If we don't, we also risk. And who do we talk to? Our coworkers who we have to see every day? Our field leaders who have so much to do and may not see the situation the way we see it? Our church who think we are better than we are and also are our source of financial support that we worked so hard to raise? Who do you talk to? What has worked? What hasn't?

It is hard when you live a life with eyes always on you to deal with your struggles honestly. Today, I hurt. But today, I have to.... So do I go on stuffing the pain and the struggles under my shirt, put my smile on, and go on doing? Or do I say, "I hurt here"? And what are the consequences of that?

I'm leaning towards the "it's time to talk" side. But to who? And what will be the result? I don't know. I'm leaving that in God's hands - or I'm trying to. I keep coming back to Him, grabbing it out of His hands and saying, "hey, have You thought about this? What if....?" Then I have to realize again that I can not live my life by the "what ifs". I have to leave those to God.

Funny how we can trust Him to move us across the world, care for details, open doors, reach out to the lost through us (that takes some faith at times!), protect us from harm, but we have a hard time trusting Him to deal with our own hearts.

I'm struggling today. Hurt by some things. And I wonder... how do we talk? Are we honest with each other?

I began to talk to two people, sharing what is going on. I half expected scoldings. But I got tears. One is struggling with that, too. Perhaps further ahead than I am, but still hurting. We can at least hug each other now, pray for each other. The other one struggled with it years ago, but not so many years that the tears did not come for them too. They know it hurts. But they have walked through it and out the other side. They could give me hope.

It does not fix my situation. But today I have someone who I can talk to. I still do not know what God will do in this situation. But I am not alone. I still feel alone at times, but I am not. Working with, fellowshipping with, being with the same people can at times be too close for comfort, too close to share all problems, but I have two people who can look me in the eyes when they pass me in the halls, and I know they are praying.... not just that we will be safe, effective, used, blessed, but for this, for my struggles today.

I still have to decide what is the next step. I haven't done that yet. But I am beginning. I'm hoping, like sky-diving, that it is the first step that is the hardest, and the rest just sort of happens after that. I doubt it, but it would sure be nice!