How do you go about telling small kids that daddy is not coming home - at least not now, and you don't know when... forget about the if ever which looks likely today?
I told the oldest two first. Then the youngest two with all of them together. Different reactions. Silence from some, clinginess, others distracted frantically trying not to think about it. The youngest just cried, curled up in my lap and cried.
Questions I can not answer. How long? Why doesn't daddy stop being angry? Their little minds trying to wrap themselves around things that have no answers. Their opinions of what makes daddy angry - hoping we can do something that will change and "fix him". More tears. More unanswerable questions.
I've spent the last two hours running from one bedroom to another comforting, praying with, trying to console the unconsolable. One is in my bed, unable to face being on his own. I'm thankful he is now talking and wanting to be with me. Most are drifting off to sleep now, with only my oldest awake. His is a different set of questions. He wants to know how he is supposed to act. He wants to be the oldest and step in. I've told him not to take on the position of the man in this house. Let God fill that role. He wants to and He is able to. Just be a kid still, and let God and the few men that are in our lives take on those jobs.
It has probably been some of the hardest hours of my life. I never wanted this.
I'm sitting eating soup now. Soup seems to be one of the only things I can eat. It is hot and goes down easily. There is some comfort in a warm bowl of soup. I'll take all I can get today.
Tomorrow, I have to get up and be mommy again. I will likely spend the whole day at the kid's school in the staff room. I can mark papers, spelling tests, cut out crafts, anything. I think I need to be available and visible to them right now. It is also prayer morning with the moms, and I can think of at least three who will come and sit with me tomorrow and pray for my kids.