There was nothing that could stop me shaking today, fighting tears, somewhat unsuccessfully. The hurt swallowing all thought and reason. I felt like I was sinking, drowning in an invisible sea.
Then I began to write and wrote out my prayer for today. Somehow, this discipline has held me several times in my life, helping me to focus and concentrate, to say to God the things my unquiet spirit was unable to put into words. Writing doesn't require the ability to stop crying to speak.
This, then, is my prayer for today.
Father, Lord of all, who sits enthroned in the heavens holding all power, deeply involved in our lives as our Father, You see. I stand before You broken, trembling, bruised, helpless, and hurting. I stand guilty, not with clean hands, wanting to follow You, wanting to do what is right, but still so imperfect. I hurt, Lord, and I feel as if I've failed You; brought dishonor to Your name. When I look up, I see Your love and it deeply hurts me - I didn't want to fail You. Yet, I stand before You not condemned; You have paid the price;You have bought my freedom; You have proclaimed my righteousness that You have lived for me. So I stand before You broken, bruised, ashamed, hurting, failing, and guilty, but with confidence in who You are and in Your love for me. I stand before You deeply loved. For that, thank-you. Lord, who sits on Your throne, defend Your own. Step down and fight Your battle. You said those that the Father gives You, You will not let anyone take out of Your hand. Your word stands. With Your word, You created the world and the heavens. Speak now. Arise and let Your enemies be scattered. Speak to me, and teach me to obey. As You walk us through this time of testing and discipline, be my comfort, be my safe place, be my shelter, be my life and love. I have no other besides You. Oh Lord, hold my heart, give me wisdom, guard my tongue, show me how to respect my husband through this time, give me strength, surround me with wise and caring friends who are not sympathetic to me but have a deep passion for Your glory. I'm yours, Father, broken, bruised, failing; I'm yours, care for me.