I can't explain it. But let me say this simple statement which holds the truth about as well as a sieve holds the beach's sand - my extended family is facing unimaginable pain today. Eight simple words that can not hold the weight of what is behind them.
Back on the roller-coaster at high speed - like those type which take sudden plunges in a dark tunnel and panic sets in over and above the normal terror.
Frustration - intense frustration of years of trying to warn people and being ostracized and accused for it. Today, justification, but not the type of justification that there is any delight in, but a sickening realization that you were right, and no one listened.
Also today, intense frustration again, the two frustrations mingling together and growing like cartoon characters rolling down a snowy mountain.
My husband came over the other day. Sat on the couch, watched tv, no response to the kids, no conversation, no spark of life, nothing. I told this to our leader (the main one dealing with things), and got accused of giving negative reports....
umm.... well.... it is factual.... and if the facts are negative.... ???
He didn't stop to say, "and what about that concerns you?" It is not that I hate my husband. It is that I have been banging my head against a wall for three years trying to tell people that he is showing serious signs of depression
ok, let's review:
- Disturbed thinking - ?
- Feelings of sadness or irritability - yes
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activates once enjoyed - yes
- Changes in weight or appetite - yes, lots
- Changes in sleeping patterns - yes, major
- Feelings of guilt, hopelessness or worthlessness - yes
- Inability to concentrate, remember things or make decisions - yes
- Fatigue or loss of energy - withdrawal - yes
- Restlessness or decreased activity noticed by others - yes
- Complaints or physical aches and pains for which no medical causes can be found - yes
- Thoughts of suicide or death - yes
- Feeling overwhelmed - yes
- Depression, if not treated, can last many months or years. - OK, it has been three years since I said, "hmm.. this doesn't look right."
If I wrote that in a nurse's note, no one would accuse me of hating or being critical of my patient, but simply recording true information in an unbiased way.
But it is like banging my head against a brick wall. The response I get is that the main leader talked to the other leader (you know, the one with vision problems) and he said he doesn't believe my husband is depressed.
Really? And you get that from what? The two times a year you see him at board meetings and the e-mail business contact you have with him?
Frustration. Intense frustration. Again trying to warn people before harm is done - harm is already done - but before more is done, and no one listens.
The poor leader got my frustration today - I don't care what you think about how I say it, just listen to what I am saying! I think he is clinically depressed. And yes, that is a negative report! But given because I do CARE!
It was just one of those days when three people questioned my honesty and motives and reality.
A day for tears and chocolate, but I had to hang on to the rollercoaster too tightly.
Then, another leader, the one who needs glasses, talked me and accused me of not making an effort to connect with some women. I had just come back from meeting with them... I knew they cared and if I did not go, they would assume I was not interested in them. Reality was that I was reeling from the morning's news, but it was not news I could explain, so I packed up my tears in a box, jammed the lid on tight, taped it up with duct tape, and sat something heavy on it to keep it in, and went to laugh and visit and pray with these women. And then I got accused of not making an effort to connect.....
Hang on tighter, brace for the unknown...
Then in the evening, I phoned my husband - who out of all these three men, responded the best. When he heard my voice, a simple "what happened?" I said, "_____ phoned with news." He did not talk more, but just said, "Do you want me to come over?" "Yes." To come over, hug me, and listen. To listen. To hear.
He stayed for the evening, took us out for pizza, and chattered to the kids through their event in the evening. He wanted to stay the night, but no... this is a motivation for change, and as proud as I am of him today for winning first place among the men in best response, I have been told to go slow, and wait for long term change. So, very sadly, he left again at late evening. I would have liked him here, but... I would rather him continue to work on things rather than have comfort for one night.
So the night did end with a little bit of an up. But what a ride today! I don't just want off the ride - I want out of the park. Next vacation for me - butterfly watching, please!