Friday, May 15, 2009

Two Opposite Truths

Can two things which are opposite be true? My rational side objects to this. I actually have a rational side - dry, rational, evaluating, sometimes humorous, rational. It is just in hiding, a bit overshadowed by my emotional side which has not stopped crying for a week.

But I think they can. Opposite, but true.

We say this to ourselves, to others, and there is truth in it. God is enough. He is all I need.

It is true. He is who He is. Amazing. Big. One who made the heavens and the earth and Who sits enthroned above them, yet intimately acquainted with all our ways. Who knows our thoughts before we think them. He is able to meet our needs, yup, even those emotional ones, in ways we don't even think about.

It isn't true, too. He isn't enough. God, who in Himself is in a relationship, created us for relationships. He designed us for this. He put us in relationships - family ones, friends, church, people. He made us for this. And when those relationships are not as they should be, there is pain. Even God's fullness does not take away the pain of relationships broken or hurting. He isn't enough.

Opposite, but true.

There is the obvious relationship here which is broken. My husband has little relationship to me right now, wanting to hurt me, critical and sarcastic. Strange to me that I look back and think that a week ago right now, he was rubbing my back and neck because I was feeling feverish and sore. That was last week Friday night. This is this week. That sudden change still blows my mind, but we are used to it.

Then there are others. He forbid me to talk to people who are special to me. Ones who chose to walk with me through the mess of my life. See, my husband made the decision to do that, and he's regretted it since. I was not what he wanted, too damaged for his liking, and he has spent the last several years telling me that often. If he had a choice, he would walk away. Then there came into my life a couple who decided to walk with me. They could have walked away many times. There was nothing tying them to me; nothing forcing them to stay. Many times, I tried to get them to go away, but they didn't. When I hurt them, they forgave me. They prayed for me when I didn't even want them too! They showed me what God was like - He loves despite me. He doesn't demand perfection before He loves me. They told me I am loved and valuable so many times that I actually began to believe it. And I love them.

I miss them. I've done nothing wrong. They've done nothing wrong. We have not had an argument and are not talking. But, out of anger and out of delight in making me hurt, my husband forbid me to talk to them.

I miss them.

I was in church this evening, and the man speaking decided to show some pictures. He's a short guy, so when he meets tall men, he takes his picture with them. Now he has a collection of these pictures, and whenever he wants to make people laugh, he pulls them out. He pulled this collection out this evening to show his newest one - a man who even when our friend stood on a chair, he was shorter than him! But in his collection of tall men was a picture of one I am not allowed to talk to. For no other reason than to make me hurt. To take away my supports.

I buried my head down into my Bible when the lights came back on and studiously read Deuteronomy. Line after line of battles and division of the land I read, focusing my thoughts on it so I would not cry. Halfway through, there was noise outside, and I was needed to go tell kids to go back to their rooms, so I quietly left.

I stayed outside in the entry of the church. Rested my elbows on the window and stared at the grey sky, tears running quietly down my face once again. Looking up. Silently crying my hurt out to God who does hear.

I'm ok, because God is enough. And I'm hurting because God isn't enough. We are made for relationships.

I'm eating occasionally now. A little bit here and there. Not much. This evening in church, two women looked at me and drew their breath in, "You've lost weight?!" and "You look exhausted!" So I tried to smile. I can not tell them because it is a small group, but they know. I'm still dropping weight. I'm down to weight I haven't been since... well... since I had mono in college.

I went grocery shopping after I put my kids in bed this evening. I walked and walked looking for food and for snacks that I and my son might eat on the trip.... nothing. Everything I saw turned my stomach. Chocolate made me heave at the smell. Salty things the same. Not even milk or anything make with milk. Nothing. I walked away with a few things for my son, but nothing for me. I still can't eat. I do now eat a few bites at supper, but only that. They immediately cramp my tummy up, and run straight through me.

I'm sad. Too sad to eat.

But God. He has a way of sneaking up on us when we're curled in a ball sobbing. And He did tonight. I don't even understand the language church was in tonight - not yet, not when I am too hurt to try to listen. But in a few songs, there were English subtitles. One said something about God our intercessor.

And I heard that. I turned my face up to the Lord.

Let Me pray for that one.

And the tears settled again to sniffles. What I've focused on first this week have been the things that affected my children the most. Their computers, the trip, general peace... because I care for them. I have gone head to head in pleading with my husband about things concerning them most.

This other restriction, I have not mentioned. It didn't affect them as much. It hurts me.

I know Hebrews. He who ever lives to make intercession for us.

So I rested. There are only two restrictions not overturned. I will question one when I get home if things are ok. But this other one, I'll let Him carry that. And while I wait, I'll be busy proving the first of the two opposite truths - God is enough. While tears still fall over the second truth.


Shan in Japan said...

Opposite, but true. Thinking with you about what you wrote.

And praying for you and your children.

Karis said...

Interesting thoughts, and I've had thoughts along those lines too. I think the thing about the "two opposite truths" that I've noticed in myself is that I have to choose which way I'm going to lean even though I feel/know/believe opposite things. Kinda' like when you said, "And while I wait, I'll be busy proving the first of the two opposite truths - God is enough. While tears still fall over the second truth."

Being busy proving that God is enough is an intentional choice and I want to say to you -- good choice even though I have no idea the depths of what this choice will cost you. Just in you making this choice shows me that He is enough even while my heart cries with you. I have no idea if I'm making any sense. :-)