So, now I am in a place where I can get internet access for free. He doesn't think of these things, you know - that both my internet accounts are not tied into my computer, but are on the web. He also doesn't know about the blog - that I know of. He doesn't realize that he can take things away, but I am resourceful enough to be able to access some things without "disobeying" him.
But, my heart is heavy today. Just heavy. I did a quick check of my mail at the kid's school, talked briefly with a teacher there who is also a friend. It was to his and his wife's (another teacher) house that I went on Saturday when we had to leave fast. We stayed there all day, until late, late at night after the teacher had gone over and talked to my husband for a few hours. Then he phoned us to come home. He will come over again tonight and talk to us.
Which I feel bad for... his job is not well paid as it is, and he has four kids, works a second job on early Saturday mornings, and then dealt with us after that. But... practically - he sees us every day. He is my son's teacher. His wife was my daughter's teacher. And God has led this man through things which he can use to help in this situation. He himself was abusive and into things like my husband is into. And he is not a easy man to fool. He teaches 7th and 8th grade. He is also very blunt and tackles things head on. So blunt that at times he has me scared - but then he sees me tense and laughs and tells me to relax - it is just his personality. I watched him that night talking with my husband, and I was happy with how he works - how he can connect, and yet not get sucked in.
Still, my heart is heavy. I am at the moment in a wait mode. Wait and see what happens tonight, and then I will see what will happen tomorrow.
But... my husband forbid me to contact or be in contact with the people who have been walking with me for four years; people who are like family to me, the ones who have helped me heal and grow to this point. And it hurts. And unlike other relationships - at the school - where he forbid me to stay and drink coffee with them, this is different. Besides, my "coffee moms" heard the order, laughed, and came over to my house for coffee! Never said people can't drop in! Besides, the assistant principal and my friend, saw the threatening letter from him threatening that if I stayed at the school after dropping the kids off, that he would write them and formally ask them to kick me out. She laughed. No, she steamed first about how wrong that was, but she laughed. She said, "I'd like to see him try to bring a letter like that to our administration!" He can try to isolate me there, and he can make me hurt, but I have people who will not listen to him that are friends here.
But.. for the others, for the people who have always been there for me. He has cut me off from them, and he is laughing about it, pleased with his little self that it hurts. He laughs that I hurt that he took a trip away from me that I looked forward to for two years, something my son and I were going to do together and worked hard for. That hurts, too. But the silence hurts. I want to be able to talk, to hear, to be able to hear them pray for me, and it is silent.
He forgets something, though. One - I have an excellent memory. (sorry, not boasting here, but I just do - one thing God gave me.) I can play back like a tape things I have been told. I also have years of written letters that I can access when I sneak away to the internet place. Even without that, I have a memory. I developed it as a child because I was always told, "what if you are in a place without a Bible, then all you will have is what you know."
On a funny side, I have my friendly neighborhood JWs that regularily visit me. Last week, the lady started to quote something from Hebrews, her verse of the week, and stumbled on it and began to look it up, so I helpfully finished the quote for her. She said, "I know you know your Bible well, because whatever verse I read or quote to you when we visit, you can finish it!" She was amazed. So I smiled and told her, "Well, Hebrews is an easy one for me since I memorized the book." Oh, the look on her face.... it was priceless! Here she is trying to earn her way to heaven and convert me, and I go quoting more scripture than she can fathom is possible, and I'm not even worried about making it to heaven!
Anyway, this memory - it helps. The things that have been said to me, I can repeat. I know them. The other thing that he does not count on - Just because he stops communication between me and some people, does not mean he can stop prayer. So that I relax in. I know I am prayed for. I hurt. Yes, I am hurting. I feel alone, scared, hurt, and having someone laughing at the hurt they are inflicting is tough. But he can't stop prayer.
So, the pastor read from a Psalm on Sunday morning. I doubt I heard much else of the sermon, quiet tears dripped off my face most of the time. Friend passed kleenex row over row up to me, but it didn't help too much. But then he finished his sermon with this Psalm, and I looked it up to try to focus my mind.
It was a Psalm God had comforted me with a few years ago, going through a time like this, too. A time when I wondered if God can meet me, was He ready to act.
How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You, before the sons of men! You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man; You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues. Blessed be the LORD, For He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city. As for me, I said in my alarm, "I am cut off from before Your eyes"; Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications when I cried to You. O love the LORD, all you His godly ones! The LORD preserves the faithful and fully recompenses the proud doer. Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD.
God knew ahead of time. He has brought me to this place in His time. He is not unprepared for this emergency. He has goodness, not only enough, but stored up for this time. I come to take refuge in Him, and He is ready to respond to me. He can hide me, but not like hiding alone in a dark place and scared. He hides me in His presence. He is with me when He hides me in His light. He hides me from the conspiracies of man - yes, from my husband, and even from the one leader who he feeds off of and who enables him to continue without consequences because of what he believes about me. He keeps me secretly and shelters me from their tongues. Even in a besieged city, or even in imposed isolation by my husband, He has made His lovingkindness marvelous to me. I am frightened and in fear, I feel I am cut off, but He hears me when I call. He will preserve and save me and He will fully pay back for these hurts. So, today, I chose to be strong and take courage. My strength may be shaky right now, but it is in the Lord, and His strength isn't shaky. My face may still run tears pouring out of my eyes, making a river down my cheeks, and dripping off in splashes on my shirt, but He says He catches our tears in a bottle and knows us. He hears even the quiet tears.
So, I am quietly, shakily holding on. Waiting to see what is coming next, what will be done. I think this man that God has brought into our lives, him and his wife, who have agreed to walk with us for this time are good people, and they are five minutes away and able and willing to act. But, still, when I hurt this bad, to even hear the gentleness in his voice this morning when he asked how things are started the tears. Why does my own husband delight in hurting me? This is not a man - this is not right. It hurts.
Thanks. I will keep posting, and I will let you all know how things are and what will happen. I am going to make some safety nets and be ready, but I am praying for peace, but not peace at any cost. There are times for a Churchill and not a Chamberlain, and this is one of them.