Tuesday, May 26, 2009

First Things

I'm not ignoring the problems, but I am in a wait mode still... waiting until I know what to do, waiting to have things organized... waiting...

One thing I think I have decided is that I don't think I want to do any more "marriage counseling" until my husband does some anger management courses or counseling. He has the material for it already. He's been given the homework and all, but he doesn't do it. Because, honestly, there are marriage issues, yes, but he has an anger problem that is not my problem. He'd like to say it is. He'll happily blame it on me saying I make him angry. But other people make him angry, too. He's got in yelling and shoving fights with people on the side of the road because "they made him angry". I've always been ready to forgive, ready to say it is ok, ready to work on things...

I'm not so ready anymore. I think that he needs to work on his issues and see that they are his issues, his responsibility, and his sins. When I see work on those, then I will be willing to work on "us". The problem with "counseling" so far is that he sees it as a chance to angrily and derogatorily speak of or to me in front of the pastor who really is unable to stop him, and I end up feeling all bruised all over again. It is bad enough to hear what he says once (or many times), but to hear it in front of another person, who either does not or can not stop him, is twice bad.

Anger management - or counseling - this is something that will need to be done before I am interested in getting back into joint counseling.

On the good side - he's picked up a few books that he has been given, and has been reading them on his long evenings alone. I simply go to bed with the kids now. I'm tired and enjoy the sleep. I used to have to stay up with him until 12 or 1, and then it is me who gets up with the kids at 6 and does the morning routine. It was tiring. I'm enjoying sleeping, and waking in the quiet mornings not feeling worn out. But he is reading some good books in his evenings... a good sign.

Do I trust? No. He's been given a limit before, been out of the house for a few months, and been given trust when he was allowed back in.... change lasting only a very short time... I'm low on trust, tired of being talked into it as a "Christian point of view". I don't trust my brother who is in prison serving a fourteen years. I could have my children removed from my home if I was to "trust" my brother with my kids. Trust, when broken, has to be earned. All trust has to be earned. He's busy un-earning all his trust right now. Proving himself to be someone who can not be trusted. It would be stupid to trust someone who has proven that he shouldn't be trusted.

Grace allows forgiveness. Mercy allows second chances. It does not earn trust. I see good signs, and am willing to pray for him, and to be encouraged, but I won't be talked back into trust for a very long time. Not with nice words from him, not with "Christian" words from a pastor, no. Trust is earned. Even Jesus did not take Peter's first declaration of "Of course, I love You".


Becky Aguirre said...

Good for you for taking care of your sleep needs! I agree, just because mercy and grace are extended to all of us at any time, trust is something different altogether! So sorry about your brother, that must be tough. :(

mom2twoboys said...

You are making some wise choices. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I know how difficult it is to rebuild trust. Actually, I would not call it earn, but rebuild - from the ground. Sometimes this takes longer than building the original trust that was destroyed.
You are right - forgiving and trusting are not the same thing. We often confuse those in Christian circles.