I'm posting right now just to let you all know that I am here, alive, survived another night and am looking at the morning. It is a rainy, blowing morning, which is fine. Suits my feelings today.
Rough night. Really rough night. I tried to talk to my husband. It didn't go well. Another long list of things I am not doing and reasons why I am warped and damaged. I eventually went to lay down, but I lay a long time just still in the night, not sleeping. My tummy hurt severely. I was at a awards night for my kids last night, so I ate a brownie and a cup of coffee that was given to me. Mistake. Not easy on my tummy at all.
But this morning, someone prayed for me. If you knew me, you would hear a breathing out of tensely held breath. Being prayed for - one of the things I am deeply missing in being cut off. I mean, I know I am being prayed for, but I miss hearing it. I miss that. And this morning, to be prayed for - it was good. It gave me enough internal stillness to make a small step. I cried for awhile, in the dark when I was alone, sitting there crying to God. Just crying. No words. But then, I got up and decided to go have a cup of tea - with lots of milk and sugar. Tea might make it down. It's gentler than coffee. Then I had another one. My one student did not show up today because her glasses broke, so I just sat. Drinking tea. Sitting. Breathing in the quietness. Resting.
Now I am home again. I need to get things done. Housework, things. But I thought I would write. Right now, I'm hurting, probably more than before. I feel like my life is in pieces, broken, with no real hope of then ever being whole. I feel like I am again sitting in an empty house with the curtains drawn tight with the broken pieces of my life around me and no real clue as to how to put them into a whole. I am not sure what the whole would look like. But today is a quiet hurt, almost numb, but not exactly, just still. Just feeling blank today, hurting.
Tonight, my kids have a musical. My husband will not be there, so tonight I get one night without him surrounded by a community of people where I feel safe and loved. Tonight should be ok.