Sunday, May 17, 2009

Then there is the question of the ride

That question still lingers. Do I keep on this insane ride? Do I continue to allow myself and my children to be dragged round and round the cycle forever?

I don't know the answer to that yet, but I am definitely thinking it over seriously.

I know the cycle. I predicted it, didn't I? And today, he's on the "do some nice things and maybe they will forget" section. So, all the bikes got fixed, my clothesline got rehung, and the garbage taken out (usually left to me). In some ways, I'm laughing - because I can see his steps before he takes them. The only question is when the next thing comes, but I have seen these cycles before.

What he doesn't know is that just as I will not earn his love, he can not earn mine. I do not sell it, but give it freely - when there is repentance. Not before. Not if he does enough good works. No.

In the meantime, I'll enjoy getting my clothesline fixed. I'll breathe a small sigh of relaxation that he is looking for ways to grow closer to the family.

But he can't earn love. He has sinned against me, hurt me, and laughed about it. That is not fixed by stringing some clothesline. That is fixed by facing truth, by repentance, and by forgiveness. By making wrongs right, not by doing good deeds.

And I think an element of repentance has to be seeing what this does to his family. Not feeling "wrong" in a general sort of way, but hearing what it does to us.

Without repentance, if I decide, "Oh well, he's being nice...", it is simply getting on the merry-go-round again. On will go the ride. From here, we will be back to anger again at some point, sooner or later...

I'm getting dizzy. I'm not feeling like riding again. It's not all okay just because he tuned my bike. I don't know if I am allowed to be "angry", but I think I am. This is not right. I should not be treated this way. My son should not be treated this way. He should not be severely punished just because his daddy is angry at his mommy.

I've been stubborn before. In fact, I can be a very stubborn person, when I am not defeated. It may be time for a stubborn anger. Let's empty the stream and clear out all the garbage lurking in the shadows under the bridge. There will never be enough water under the bridge.

Pray for me here, pray for those around me, pray for wisdom. I see only two possibilities for the future, and neither one of them looks anything like the present.


Karis said...

Oh, Ellie...

I'm praying.

Shan in Japan said...

Prayers continue!