Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Son

I'd like my husband, when he is so mean, and he laughs about it; to see my son. To hear him.

I told him last night that I wasn't getting ready for hte trip since daddy forbid me to go. He began to cry. He wanted me to go. We wanted this for a long time, my son and I. We both have a love of learning and a love of history, and we wanted to do this together. Now my son does not have a love of schoolwork, no, but he loves to learn.

He came out of his room, but had no heart to go biking with his brothers, so sat quietly trying to figure out how to play his guitar.

Then at supper, we had a guest drop in (my husband was out, but brought this friend by for a few minutes on his way out of the city). He wanted to look up something on the internet on how to get somewhere. I had to tell him that I can't turn on any of the computers. My son's reaction was quick, "Why?"

Because daddy changed the passwords. "Even on yours?!" Yes.

He alternated between anger and tears for a time, and then made it through the evening, but cried himself to sleep. He woke several times during the night again crying.

These are his words:

I know you say it is not my fault, but it is in some way. And it affects me a lot. More than the other kids, since I don't know if they all know what is going on, but I do. And who can I talk to it about? I didn't even want to play with my friends because they do not understand, and I can't talk to them about it at all. Why does daddy do things like this?

I can't answer all of his questions. I think he answered them in one statement he made when I said that I was also sad that I couldn't go on his trip with him. He said, "You and I are a lot alike."

We are. Unfortunately, that means that this first son of mine is often targeted by his dad for anger when he is angry at me. All the things in me that my husband hates, he hates in my son, too.

I hurt when I look at this kid. He's been coming to lean up against me, not even crying, just laying his head against me like a small child wanting to be held. He's hurting, and he is powerless in the situation. I want him back out riding his bike and collecting snakes and dreaming up how to build a real airplane that will fly. Instead, he lies around on the floor with little energy to move when he is home. His tummy cramps up and he throws up food or just can't get any down.

I'm angry when I look at him suffering. I'm angry then.

Today, other than my son, is calm. My husband is still angry and nasty to me when he speaks, which is seldom. I worked in my garden this morning, watching flowers that were given to me by these people I am forbidden to contact bloom and sit there smiling in the sun by my front door, and I smile. I see them every time I walk in or out of my house - a reminder. The sun is shining and I just lay for awhile in the sun, stretched out looking up at the blue sky and being relaxed.

I still don't know what will happen next. We'll just wait and see.

Thank-you for all your letters and prayers, and yes, Karis, yours got through. I'll try to write back, but I am limited on my internet time, so it may be hard to do. I do, however, try to get on once a day at least and read.

I'm puzzled. I sometimes look up at God and am puzzled. I want Him to act. I want Him to do something. Perhaps He is. But it has been a long, long time. And that is hard for me. But. I still look up. There is little other choice. I'm still waiting, watching Him, reminding Him that He promised to care for me.

I know if I talked to one person today, he'd tell me to be strong and courageous, not to be frightened by any fear. I'm trying. I'm trying to wait with expectation and quietness, and not to let the fear inside my head. I can't get off my butte... for those of you who are not used to buttes - well, they are odd shaped tall rocks in a flat place. Places of safety. So I stand up there, above the shadows and wait.

1 comment:

Becky Aguirre said...

I am learning what it means for God to be my Rock, my Fortress, my Safe Place...I pray this for you and your son as well...