Sunday, November 2, 2008


Sometimes it comes down to timing.

Isn't there a time to just not say something? Isn't there ever a time to say, "I could really correct that now, but now just doesn't seem like the best time."?

Apparently not.

Let's list my few weeks....

- dealing with long term anger

- husband asked to move out

- faced stress from all the blow up from the last item

- a team member randomly shot to death

- my brother arrested and facing life in prison

- fall out from the above affects the whole family

- my team leader decided that I was not worth visiting when he came to "support us" through this time

- another friend killed and his family left alone

- my husband angry because Saturday I fed the kids later than normal for breakfast - silent again, not talking and angry

- my dad made a work decision that likely was not the wisest, and my husband is sure that I told him to do it. I didn't, but nothing will convince him - so he is angry again.

This is my last two weeks. I feel like I am going through a tornado. It's getting too wild for a roller-coaster. I'm bruised and battered and limping.

Is there even a time to just not say something?

My pastor's wife caught me after church to complain that my daughter (5) was whispering in church and disturbing people. She went on in great detail to explain that church is a reverent time, and God speaks to people in church, and we should not allow our children to make noise and disturb people.

Thanks. I really needed that today.

I know my daughter was whispering. She was trying to read her Bible, and she is only five, so she quietly sounds out words. I likely should have told her not to read just then. But, it has been a rough week or two for me, and I am struggling to function. Grieving, hurting, trying.

Is there ever a time to say, "hmm... I could let this go this week, and address it next week"?

Apparently not.

Apparently not. I was told that, really, I'm sorry for all that is going on in your life, but that is not my responsibility, and for me not to tell you this this week would not have been loving. Your life is your business, but you shouldn't be upset if I just tell you the truth.

All I had said, was timing. The timing is bad. Can you give me some grace this week?

No. Grace, I was told, is to tell you now so you can fix it.

I'm tired of being told to be perfect.

Going to post a wanted ad:

"Wanted - Someone who wants to love an imperfect person. She will never get everything right, and she may cry and be emotional at awkward times. She won't always have a clean house or perfect meals, and likely will never be exactly on time. She has four kids who are also not perfect and require a lot of time and attention, and she is not perfect at caring for them anyway. She will often forget to smile when she likely should smile, and will forget people's names. She's been known to get upset at being criticized and fiercely defends her own kids. She may improve if carefully loved, but there is no guarantee, and even after months of improvement, will fail and disappoint you. This job comes with little reward and lots of effort. Person answering ad will have to possess patience, kindness, gentleness, a good sense of humor, and an ability to stick with it.


junglewife said...

OH Ellie. I wish there was something I could say or do just to make it all better, but I know that's not possible. I'm sorry for all you've gone through and just am praying that God will be your strength. What a difficult place you are in right now, on so many levels. Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your struggles so I can pray for you.

My Place of Peace said...

I'm so sorry that you are having to walk through this fire. I am praying for you and your sweet children.
Consider yourself hugged, sister.

Becky Aguirre said...

I hardly know what to all seems rather overwhelming and I'm merely an outside 'observer', so to speak...I so wish we could all go be a support for you, even just for a little while...have a good chat over something deep-fried and smothered in chocolate. :) Still praying...Becky

p.s. LOVE the wanted sign!

Missionaries in La Ceiba, Honduras said...

Being a nurse, it's difficult, at times, to consider alternate means of healing - I'm the science kind of girl - I like objective outcomes - but one thing I can speak from experience - yoga is a GREAT form of relaxation, taking time for yourself, chilling out, and only thinking about your breathing (and the odd ways your body is supposed to bend). I say all that because it seems you need some different kind of therapy - massage, yoga, hot spa. Check it out...try it out!

Alan & Beth McManus said...

I'd like to pound that lady! Is she completely blind to life?

I'm sorry things are getting worse before they can get better.

I'd like to officially apply for the position you advertised. Although, it will be long-distance. Feel free to call, email, cry on my shoulder, etc. Ok?

Becky Aguirre said...

You and me both, Beth! Let's hop on a plane and do it!!!! :) Well...I guess that wouldn't be very godly, but anyway...yeah, I think that's what happens when we don't follow the Spirit on a daily, hourly, minutely (is that a word?) basis.

I have been reading in the Margin book by Dr. Swenson and came across a couple of sentences I like...they are actually in reference to creating appropriate boundaries, but they apply in other areas of life as well..."It is important to understand that most people simply are not sensitive. There is absence of malice but presence of callous. Other people's pain is invisible to them. Therefore, when they make demands upon us, they know not what they do."

And THAT'S why it's so important to be in tune with the Spirit so that we do not hurt each other so badly!