Monday, November 17, 2008


It has been a quiet two days. My husband did phone yesterday, but he only talked to the kids. I half expected to hear from him tonight, but silence.

Silence.... it could be good or it could be bad.... I don't know.

But it is unsettling.

Keep praying.

On the other side, the kids are happy, we've got the house somewhat under control again, and even laundry is getting done. My one son finally caught up on his math homework, and I helped my daughter finish her poster project just one day late!

Somehow, in a clean house, I feel better. More peaceful. I am not a spotless housekeeper, and I do not have toddlers and nursing babies anymore, so I have no good excuse for not coming up with a system that works in a general way. I like my house clean, but I've found out that when there is no fear of being yelled at when my husband comes home, I am much more able to concentrate and do household things in some order. The second week he was gone, I sat down mid-morning to a cup of tea after finishing the last cleaning jobs and sighed in relief. I hadn't felt so peaceful for a long time. Living under constant anger and criticism took much of my emotional energy, and it limited how effective and organized I could be.

Last week, it was my parent's move here which got me behind. A few days of collecting and carrying furniture up in to their apartment to get them set up, showing them where to shop, and getting them settled left no time to keep up at home. Today, I am back to normal. It is good to have a cup of tea without aching muscles and without the guilt of "I should be..."

Yeah, I could do ironing and mop the kitchen, but the house is generally clean. If I saw a car pull up right now, I wouldn't scramble to do anything. I'd just put on more water to boil.

Another change to the peace of the house is having the TV off. My husband watches TV every minute that he is home. He usually watches TV with his laptop on his lap and plays games while he watches. No one can be loud or get in the way of him watching TV. For the first week or two, the kids had it on all the time, but we've talked about it and introduced other things. Now they only watch one thing a day, and the house is more peaceful. Yes, as a side-effect, we have games and toys to clean up, but I like that. Today they are playing computer games, but only because my son finally won a Webkinz for a prize at school. He worked hard to get that prize - all so he could give it to his little sister. (One daughter born after three boys is growing up to think that all men will fall all over her to do whatever she wants and protect her from any slight!) So, right now they are playing on the computer and I am not watching their time tonight.

But the silencing of the constant noise box is wonderful. I can hear us all talk.

True - I can hear them all fight, too. But now we can address that and learn to get along.

I'm still hoping I hear from my husband soon, but I don't know. He might be angry for another few weeks. I hope not. I just don't know.

A friend told me it might not be a bad thing if the counselors where he is actually see him when he is angry. Maybe. I don't know. All I hear is silence.

I tried to rest and enjoy the silence today in a mostly cleaned house.


Cindy said...

When our daughter would not talk to us last was so hard...silence from a loved one is difficult to deal with. I kept thinking 'I need to do, write...anything other then silence...' Yet the counsel we were given was to wait...she needed to deal with her anger and hurt, and it took some time. I learned that God is in the silence. He was taking us to a place of complete dependence on Him.
I am thanking Him that He is your Place of Refuge, your Rock where you can stand firm.


Becky Aguirre said...

We've been watching a lot less t.v. since we got's nice. The kids are learning to play other things and appreciate their toys more. I have been esp. pleased to see the boys playing together with the Legos. They are getting along much better than ever before. :)


Karis said...

I too understand the difficulty of silence from a loved one. I have a sister who I am so burdened for... Silence can feel so loud at times.

Your testimony and transparency has been a blessing to me. I ache for you, and I thank the Lord for the strength He is giving you when you're feeling so weak.