Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Well...

Well, lunch came and went. He was upset at my dad still, and wants me to support him for what he said to my dad. I said I support his position, but not what he did about it or the words used to deal with it. I am not going to support mean words. I just don't.

So he was angry to start off with. Then he wanted toknow if he can move back home, when I will let him. Can he come back after the two weeks gone for this program?

I don't know. How can I tell now? I said that we should meet after he is back and discuss that, and see. He was not thrileed with that answer, though. He says that I have ruined his life and there is no way he will be able to be in ministry again since the shame will be too high - how can he face his co-workers again?

I think the whole point of this is to get to a place where it is not all about him - his right to be angry, his right to use nasty words, his right to demand and make people feel guilty, his right not to be shamed, but always honored, despite the rightness or wrongness. But that is me thinking, not him. He has determined that life is over for him now, and it is all my fault.

I feel bad now. I don't think this was what he wanted to talk about yesterday, but he got ticked off when I wouldn't stand behind him with what he said to my dad. He knows that I did write my dad and tell him that I think the action was wrong, but I did it nicely. I can't support him being nasty, just like I won't support anyone else being nasty. But, now, I am likely to lose both, family, husband, and it looks like now, the whole team is falling apart, and I feel responsible today for the total destruction of an important thing because I couldn't deal with being quiet.

I know that is not true, but I feel horrible right now. I was hoping that things would be good news today. But, of course, something ticked him off on the ay to good things..... proof enough that there is little change yet.

Disappointing.... still have to get through a dinner with him and friends tonight. I'd rather curl up and cry again.

But first - to go meet with the pastor.... who will be upset that I told his wife not to criticise me right now....

If I did not have kids.....

If I did not have kids, I'd sign on to be a nurse on a fishing trawler and disappear into the North Sea for two years.... well, if it wasn't so cold!

6 comments:

Alan & Beth McManus said...

It will take time. Stand strong.

I'm behind you all the way.

Maridee said...

Dear Ellie,

I connected to your blog through a colleague on my field. You have a way of articulating deep things that we missionaries do not often allow others to see. Thank you.

You have moved me in your posts to reflect on the myriad of burdens we carry that we were never meant to bear, all because we are missionaries. We are financially dependent on others who often have totally unrealistic expectations and working in pressure cookers that would mutilate a less hearty soul all in the hopes of living Christ before a lost people.

If I understand God's Word correctly, He does not burden us with these kinds of expectations. He knows us intimately and loves us just the same. He asks us to follow Him, but He carries us. He calls us to the impossible just because He planned to do it all Himself anyway. He just wanted to give us the joy of being there when He did it. He never would say to you that you are not what He wanted... He knew you before the foundation of the world and you are exactly what He died for. He adores you.

My heart grieves over your leadership that is so callous to your brokenness. I am mortified by the pastor's wife who is so confused as to what grace really is. Honey, pack up those four precious treasures and come out here. We will love on you up one side and down the other.

If your husband is even half as angry as you have shared, he has no chance of making an eternal impact on the lives of others. The people he is ministering to can see right through that kind of hypocrisy. If he is trying to show the love of Christ to them and cannot nourish and cherish his own wife as Christ does the Church, those watching will not want anything to do with that kind of Savior. Who do we think we are fooling living a double life like that?

In my humble opinion, after 25 years in missions, the greatest thing you can do is pull him off the field and get help. Ministry without integrity is a waste of time. My guess is that he is also hurting others who get in his way. Hurting people hurt others.

If I am correct in deducing the kind of culture you were living in "over there", their system lays out an impossible standard... a totally lose-lose situation where the majority live a life of fear tyrannized by the ruling few. People in that system hunger for some kind of true kindness, love and grace that is totally absent in their own culture. They are not going to see it in the personality of your husband as he is right now. I cannot tell you how many times people in our similar culture have asked me if I truly know forgiveness of sins... will Jesus' death really cleanse me of all my sins so I can be acceptable to God? They know in their gut that they cannot be acceptable on their own merit.

The tyranny you are living under in your own home and in your church seems to me to be exactly what you went "over there" to fight. How can you give them hope if you are living in the same kind of hell? Get help.

I know that there are two sides or more to every story. I am praying for you to plunge deeply into the grace of God who loves you so unreservedly just the way you are. It is in being saturated with that grace that you will wisely raise those treasures. I am praying for your husband to see the pain in your heart and realize that he is called of God to nourish your heart as the representative of Christ's grace. If he is responsible for that pain, he needs to repent. I am praying for your leadership to wake up and quit blaming and start working to restore you for the glory of God. You have been on the battlefield and we have to stop shooting our wounded.

I applaud your bravery to say it is not supposed to be like that. Who knows who will come up to you in heaven to tell you that your courage gave them the courage to be set free from a similar bondage. Hallelujah!

God is the redeemer of the impossible. There is always hope.

Gratefully under the same Wing,

Maridee

Becky Aguirre said...

Well, said, maridee, thank you so much for posting a comment! It was encouraging for me, too!

Ellie, it takes a lot of courage to be the one to point out that something is wrong...people don't always appreciate that...praying still!

Cindy said...

Praying...
You were on my heart yesterday afternoon...a constant nudging to pray..and I was.

Maridee...thank you for the reminder to all of us...

Becky Aguirre said...

BTW, off topic, but there is a new post over at Unveiled Radiance...Becky

Ellie said...

Thanks Becky - I'll head over and look.