Saturday, November 15, 2008

And Here We Go Down Again!

I hate rollercoasters! I think I will never go on one again.

Today, we went on a down hill. I try to remind myself that the downs are bound to come, and they will keep coming, and gradually the downs will be less and the flats or ups will be more, but I still hate the downs!

Today, I hear him saying all the old things that he was saying. That he has a right to be angry. That if he is hurt, someone has to pay. That he is justified.

He wants, when he comes back, to go away the two of us and talk about all the wonderful things he is learning and all this. I am up for spending time with him, and yes, it would be wonderful to be able to do that away from the daily responsibilities of caring for the kids. But... I am leery about spending so much time one on one with him. I suggested how about if we do that somewhere where there is someone to help us listen to each other and step in if we have trouble. No. He didn't want that - interfering and distracting, he says. I'm not sure. I know him. He will have good days, and that's great. And he will have bad days, and we will need a person walking alongside to be able to help out then.

I don't know what to do. Pray for the best choice for the next step in a week. Pray for him to see truth.

I wrote him tonight after we talked. I told him that he can not be both wrong and justified. He has to make a decision. It can not be both justified and wrong.

But I am discouraged today.

That was all I had said that started off this, "I am tired. It has been a rough two months, and I am tired and hurt. Living under anger for two months has been rough for me and I need some time to rest and heal."

His response was and instant and powerful, "Well, I've been hurt, too! And someone needs to apologize if I was hurt!"

Is all hurt the fault of someone else? Does all hurt mean you have to look for someone to pay? These are questions I have today.

Looking for someone to pay in hurt for your hurts is revenge, not forgiveness. He is wanting today for me to pay in hurt for the hurt my dad hurt him with when he made that business decision that should not have been done. He wants me to chose to support him in being nasty back. I won't. So then he says that I should pay because I support someone who hurt him. I don't. I think my dad had no authority to do what he did and it was wrong. But we just don't turn around and inflict pain.

Tough day today. But I am more sure that I do not want to just go on a three day vacation with him and talk alone and everything will be fine.

Pray for answers. I still think he is learning good things. It is now the process of taking good things and actually putting them into his thought patterns - transforming how he thinks - and that is a process which takes time.


Alan & Beth McManus said...

I agree with you on the "three days away and everything is ok" thing. It isn't and it won't be and if he can't handle others helping, then he's still trying to control you. Be strong.

We'll keep praying.

Cindy said...

It sounds as if he is still struggling with extending forgiveness to those who have hurt him in the past, and letting go of the control that he has had over others.
May God continue to open up your husband's heart and mind to His total forgiveness and unconditional love.
May you continue to cling to His grace and all sustaining power as your complete Healer... and keep your seat belt on...there may be a few more drops before the ride is over.



Maridee said...

Praying with you.

Becky Aguirre said...

Hmmm...thinking about this...I will probably comment more later, but just wanted to let you know I was thinking about it and praying for you.

Ellie said...

Becky - it is that he feels hurt because he was hurt when he got taken out of the house and told he has to be pulled from ministry right now. I understand that he is hurt - wow! That has to hurt! - but he wants me to take the blame for it. He wants me to say it is my fault and apologize for asking for help publicaly. I won't. I did try for years to ask him to get help for us. I asked again the night before he left and he said he never would. So I asked for help.

I am not thrilled with every decision that was made by leadership since that point, but I'm thankful that steps are being taken.

I understand his hurt from it, but I can't take responsibility for it. He says, "but I was hurt, so someone has to be responsible and someone needs to apologize."

hmm... my point - sin causes pain.

And sometimes, our sin causes ourselves pain. Pain hurts. I'll agree with that.

But I will not take blame for looking for help.

Becky Aguirre said...

No, you shouldn't take the blame, Ellie and you need to stand firm with that. If there are things that God leads you to specifically you should ask for forgiveness, but I think that angry people just need to direct their anger at someone else, especially when confronted with personal failures. They are desperate to deflect the attention from themselves so they have to attack the people around them, in particular the spouse. I don't think this really has anything to do with you, it's really about getting the attention off of him...does that make sense? It is very hurtful, though, and will make you doubt yourself over and over again, but I think that if you can remove yourself emotionally from the situation, not allowing the "hook" to grab you, you will be able to see that he is acting out of his own pain, hurt, fear, and disappointment with himself.

Okay, my comment will be way long, so will send you an email.


~ asianside ~ said...

Quote from your post: "I hear him saying...that if he is hurt, someone has to pay."

Yes. Partly true. Jesus paid it. Not you.

Another quote: "His response was ... powerful, "Well, I've been hurt, too! And someone needs to apologize if I was hurt!"

Alas, the scriptural response is: 'I've been hurt too! So I'll name this genuine hurt for what it is (denial is the brother of deception, both offspring of the devil), and acknowledge the truth that 'genuine hurts' urgently require 'genuine forgiveness'. Forgiveness is not for things that don't really hurt."

You are right to hold on. The hardest thing in life, I think, is to do the 'tough love' thing and NOT give our dear controllers what they WANT, but instead what they NEED. You are doing that. Hold on!

Love and prayers!