Who To Listen To?

A few years ago, I got suddenly very sick while in a country whose medical care is questionable at best. I also did this feat while 99% of the missionary community (which was minuscule to start off with at that time) was out of the city. My husband rushed me to the hospital, where I fought to stay conscious enough to at least keep an eye on my medical care. Thankfully, the care was half-way decent, and I managed to stay halfway conscious. Two halves make a whole, don't they?

(If you are a nurse, and only if you are a nurse, I would tell you what made me sick... If you're not, trust me, you don't want to know!)

I found it exhausting, though. Trying to be alert and think when I was so weak. I wanted so badly to be able to close my eyes and drift off. Had either of the two missionary nurses or even the former lab tech been in town, I would have. But I could never rest.

I was given medication in my IV that caused a major allergic reaction... no one knew what it was or what to do about it, and no one was ever able to tell me what it was they put in that IV. Thankfully, my husband reacted without pausing to question when I said, "Stop that IV now!" A nurse tried to give me laxatives when I had the runs.... Several times, I had to send a nurse back to find out what a medication was. Simply saying, "Here swallow these pills. I don't know what they are, but the doctor would like you to take them." didn't cut it with me. (I know, nurses are horrible patients! - But when your nurse may have passed a test at school, or her uncle may have simply paid enough money for her to get a good mark, it is a little scary!

It was exhausting. I remember that.

I feel a little like that now. I feel like I can't close my eyes and rest.

My husband is pushing to come home right now. He arrives back in town tonight. He is learning good things and I am hearing good verbal progress. My thoughts on it are... sounds pretty good, but I'd like a day or two to meet face to face with him and see and hear directly from him. A few days to talk it over and talk about and agree with our next steps and actions.

He wasn't too happy with that answer, and kept pushing which was hard on me. But he said he was ok with it. I just want to talk first a few times. Make sure there are no red flags. Make sure we can handle a face to face conversation.

Then, my "here" pastor talked to me about it. He thinks differently. He does not even want to think about him coming back home. His comment was that "even if you both were wanting that, I would advise against it". He says he thinks we are looking at two months or so of slowly working on issues and all. "You have 13 years of pain behind you, so I don't want to go too fast."

Ok, true.... our marriage has created some pain, some of it pretty bad... But it has also been 13 years of "I love this guy, yeah we struggle often, but I love him, too".

I just don't know. I feel like I can't close my eyes and rest and know I am cared for. I have to keep watching.

It would be one thing if he had said, "well, when he gets home, we will evaluate and see how things are and discuss it then." But to say, "no, not thinking about it for two months."?! I am not a real big push-over anymore. Used to be, maybe. Not now. I don't think I am willing to give this decision over into someone else's hands, especially if I don't get the feeling that he is listening. I'd like advise, I'd like input, I'd like wisdom, but I am not giving over the decision to someone else. It is also my (or our)decision.

Another problem I can see coming up is what we believe. Hard to explain this one... I am a MK. My husband also grew up on the field, so we are both influenced by a wider spectrum of beliefs than one in one church in the US might be. I tend to be a good mix of conservative - partly because I am quiet and shy (well, maybe used to be?)and I like solid teaching - and not so conservative - because I find some life missing in straight conservative places... not the "life" like dancing and clapping, although I enjoy good worship times and miss that.... but life, like this is real life, this is God involved in our lives, like let's not put God in a box of what we think and only what we've seen...

We chose this church because it has some really good things in it, and are reasonably happy in it. I think, after being in a mixed group of believers on the field, it is hard to totally fit into one group and be totally happy. But, I know my husband has been learning about generational sins and praying for freedom for those - what I consider fairly solid teaching and no where near anything strange... but I've seen this "here" pastor react to things like that in horror. (Our home pastor would be fine with it, much more balanced.) "Here" Pastor is more on the line of "if you read your Bible and pray and try hard, you have strength and energy". It is almost like any discussion about the Spirit of God is not really allowed in the church. Oh, yeah, on paper, they believe the right things... but... in belief... I just don't know.

For example... talking one day about miracles and dreams and all in Sunday school... the general consensus was that God might do miracles (specifically healing), but they really hadn't heard of them and it would be hard to scientifically verify them. And pretty sure God doesn't often use dreams in today's world.... I sat there stunned... thinking... ya'll sure ain't been on the mission field! I believe firmly in dreams. God talked to me in a dream - way before I was old enough to "make it up". I don't believe that every dream that people say they have is from God..... but this is really a whole nother topic, isn't it? (would be interested in a conversation about how what we believe has changed on the field in contact with others and in seeing a bigger world than our little home church and town... ok, I never had one, but still.)

I just find myself, over the last few years, growing differently. A longing in me for more than dryness and right doctrine. Yet, I still highly value right doctrine, and I struggle with people who believe something only because they "feel" it. I don't know... perhaps I am a strictly conservative charismatic! :) I am just a mix, that is all... an MK, thoroughly happy to take from different cultures to be me and to realize that there is not one culture which "has it all". It is the same with churches, too.

I just worry how that is going to affect our working with our pastor.

Struggling here today. My husband comes home tonight, and I don't know what I want to say... knowing that what he wants is one thing, what I do is another, and what our "here" pastor wants is totally another. I want to ask for input, for guidance here.... yet who do I even ask? It is not a majority opinion poll, but how do I get godly guidance on this?

I might phone up my "home" pastor. There are two women who will also likely get a phone call today. Those of you who have been through this with me, feel free to tell me your opinion, too.

I feel like I am having a hard time focusing on the issues since I have to keep focusing on the how to get to the issues.

Perhaps there is good advice out there, but it requires digging for, not sitting and hoping to have it served to me on a platter....?

Ah, but I'd like it served up. One order of solid advice to go.

You have to read the signs in the window. I worked hard on them!

I've been doing some reading, and learning some things. I'll write more about that later on.