My World is Greyer... and that is good news!

I love watching dawn.  From a pitch black night to wrap up in a blanket, prop up against a rock, and watch the morning wake up.  Except I am not a morning person, so I don't do it often.  When I do, I love it.

The darkness is so dark.  Especially away from cities and electricity.  Then, slowly, so slowly, there is a change.  You don't see it, but you sense it.  Then you know dawn will come.

Slowly the sky turns greyer, less dark.  No light yet, but greyer.  All changes are slow, but in that greyness is a promise of light.

Slowly, slowly, the grey turns less black and more see-through.  Dawn is several steps away, but it is coming, and your heart begins to hope.

My world is more grey this morning, and it is making me smile.  Dawn is not here, but it will come.  I see grey.

For years.... um, like ten years... I've been saying that my husband's anger problems are contributed by his health problems.  But no one paid attention.  He of course would not go to a doctor or believe it.  A few years ago, he was forced to a sleep lab, and found out he had such severe apnea that he was not getting any sleep.  When that was treated, he was more able to function normally and have more patience.

He also had all the signs of Type 2 diabetes.  Oh, and a huge family history of it.  But no.  He said he had no problems.  But he was tired, grouchy, depressed, irritable.  All of these things can be caused/influenced by sugar levels out of whack.

But no.  He didn't have it.

His doctor ran tests at routine check-ups and told him he had to lose weight or he would be diabetic.  He didn't.  She ran more tests a year later and gave him a monitor to check his blood eight times a day.  He didn't.  Swore it was all in my head and no basis in reality.

For years, I have watched this progression of worsening symptoms unable to help because he would not accept help.  I worried.  But you can not help a person who will not take help.  The only option was to await the eventual collapse.

Last week, a friend of ours, totally unaware that she even had signs of it, went into a collapse.  Three days in intensive care in the hospital followed by a stay on the ward, and now at home with diabetic teaching and testing several times a day.  She doesn't speak the language well, so my husband has been there to translate.  I've been there to absorb and repeat information.

The first days, my husband laughed and joked and would not focus on what had to be taught.  Treated the whole event as a comedy.  It was extremely frustrating for me and the other woman attempting to help.  She yelled at him to stop laughing and help us help this woman.  I bit my tongue. Somehow, I sensed that he was afraid and denying his health, so was using humor as a shield.

Interestingly, though, he began to check his blood levels.  Not as often as he should, but occasionally.  They are high. High enough to tell me that he has firmly crossed the line from pre-diabetic to diabetic.  Then last night, we saw a number close to what our friend had when she was admitted to ICU.  I was worried.  He must have been, too, because he told me about it.  (I had already known, since I peeked.) It was way too high.

Today, we took our friend to the specialist.  A nurse to give detailed one on one education.  This time, he paid attention.  He liked the education and the simple way the nurse explained all the eating stuff.  He asked for a information sheet to take with him.  The nursed questioned why, and he said because he is pre-diabetic.  She nodded and gave one to him, too.

I waited to see what else he would say, but when he said nothing, I simply said. "Yes, recently his sugars were higher than usual, and last night his number was ____."

The nurse's head snapped up and she gulped.  She looked at him and said that she is not allowed to diagnose, but that he is not pre-diabetic, but he is definitely diabetic and needs to get to a doctor and then get in here to meet with her VERY SOON.  I told her that it was an abnormal high, but his normals were between this and that.  She still looked him straight in the eyes and told him those levels were diabetic and NOT ok.

I knew that.  I just wanted her to tell him that.

As we left the room, he went to get the car while we gathered up our stuff.  I turned back to the nurse and mouthed "thank-you!".  She smiled, and said, "see you soon."

Later when we dropped him off at work, and I commented about his lunch he had packed and how it matched up to what we had learned.

He snapped at me. And then continued to rant at me about how it is all my fault, and if I were to cook right, he wouldn't have diabetes, and this is all my fault.

I listened quietly.......  and I smiled.  Why?  Because into my head popped this thought:

We've moved from denial to anger.  Yay!  At least that is a step in the right direction towards acceptance."

So I listened gravely, and left, and grinned.  I feel like the air is changing.  It is a little greyer.  Daylight is still a long way off, but the air is less dark.  Finally what I have been saying for years is beginning to be believed and action is beginning to be taken. 

I don't believe that the anger is only caused by these medical things, but I do believe that it is increased by them.  He has work to do - spiritually, emotionally, and also physically before he is better.  But physical needs to be addressed, and it is going to be.

Time to pull the blanket tighter around my shoulders and wait on the rock for the light.  It is sure to come.