Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Collective Silence

The story of the Beaten Jew is one I understand

bleeding, beaten

while the religious community walks on by

Perhaps they thought he was dead

didn't want to be defiled

that would interfere with God's work

and they were doing God's work

Many walked by

over years

each had their excuse

its not my responsibility

she's lying

it can't be that bad

we need him

we're doing God's work

that would get in the way

since when is it God's work to leave the wounded on the road and press on busily doing God's work

as if God depends on you

It was wrong

they whisper that now

that shouldn't have happened

it's sad we're not better than this

it is a pity that those who were there threw arrows instead of helping

that is not good

if you want, you can file a grievance

tell them that was wrong

I sigh

stare off into space

why is all this my responsibility

to help my husband heal

to file a complaint

it is not a secret

it is not unknown

why do I have to do it

pick myself up, bleeding to a weakened state

and say, "don't do that.  It was wrong."

I want to be defended

Is there no one among the bystanders who is willing to say


"she is worth enough to me that I will say no"

"that what you did is wrong.  and you need to admit it"

no one

they are now willing to get help

if I agree that his anger is really his pain

and try to help him deal with that pain

but no one stands willing to say

"hey!  No!  What you did is wrong!"

to hurt her was wrong

to not answer her screams was wrong

to accuse her of being hurt was wrong

to insult her was wrong

Am I that valuable enough to anyone?

I don't feel it.

It is as if there were bystanders at a rape

who stood by


they neither defended the victim

called for help

or covered her when it was over

They said

"no one else is being raped...

... it must be something she did."

And what is sad

is that there is no one who is willing to say

either to the rapist

or the silent bystanders


To tell them.

I have to do it myself


when the one who hurt me is healed enough to handle that.

So I cry

yet again

wanting someone who cares enough to say

"you can't hurt my daughter"

if it were my daughter, I'd bash some heads in.

And God hasn't.

you see, it's not only people who haven't stopped this

God didn't either.

He let His people fail.

And He did not stop it either

and that creates its whole new pain.

not only abused


rejected by God's own people

and no one is brave enough to tell them they were wrong

they are brave enough to tell me

that I shouldn't be so angry over it

that I should choose kinder words to talk about it

but no one will tell the ones who hurt me that it is not ok.

because those people are more valuable than me

they do God's work.

And they can't stop them

to mop up the blood from the beaten Jew

I want to curse them

to pray that God will let them feel pain and be abandoned in it

but I can't

I would not wish this on my worst enemy

 so I tell God that I want Him to smack them all hard

in eternity, to keep them on the far other side than where I am

to hang them up and gut-punch them.

to defend me

just this once

and when it hails and they go out to move plants

and just then the hail suddenly intensifies

I giggle.

A few solid stings from hail won't hurt you

feels like the stings of the words they have thrown

so I giggle

I know God won't smack them upside the head.

He doesn't with me

but He might sting them with hail

and I might giggle

through the tears.


Joyful said...

Have you ever thought of leaving? Getting out, starting over somewhere else? I know that isn't so easy but if things are that bad, perhaps that is what is left to do. I don't say it lightly or to denigrate marriage. I am not even talking of divorce. Just getting somewhere safe. You obviously are hurting and you won't be getting better as quickly as you would like in the situation you are now in. In fact, I'm sure you are depressed having had to suppress everything for so long. thankfully you have a written Outlet but that isn't enough. You need to heal from all the hurts.

Please don't take my comment as advice. It is merely some questions/comments that came to mind reading all you are going through. Hugs. xx

Ellie said...

I've thought of it. And it remains my next course of action if there is no change this time.

It is complicated by the presence of children. I have to take them with me.

If it wasn't for them, I would not be simply staying and enduring.

But I am determined to give them a chance. We switch counselors soon, and I hope the next ones have a shred of compassion. Enough at least to offer a kleenex to a crying person.

Joyful said...

I understand. Having children means looking after much more than yourself. Even women without children have challenges in leaving abusive spouses.

I do hope that some of the counselors involved would show some sensitivity and compassion.

BTW, I'm reading your posts even if I don't comment on all of them. I am glad to read that you have a sliver of optimism in the last one. I pray it gets a chance to blossom. Hugs. xx