Friday, March 29, 2013

90 Seconds

Grief.  Sadness.  Pain.  Joy. Anger. Peace.


One thing these people we were sent to told us was that emotions only last for 90 seconds.  It's been scientifically proven, they said.  If you feel it after 90 seconds, that is because you re-trigger yourself by re-thinking about it.

So basically, you are making yourself sad.

As a parent who has lost a child, I found that insulting.  Heck, I felt more than 90 seconds of grief for a friend who lost a child!  I still do.  And more than 90 seconds of joy when years later, another child was born into the house.

But I thought about these people's theory.  I thought about it the day I drove away from their house.  That day, I struggled to keep the tears from running down my cheeks as I drove.  I tried quietly counting to 90, to see if the feeling went away.

It didn't.  It was more stable than that.  Grief. 

It lasted through a 12 mile bike ride, although I found that biking helped.  Repetitive physical activity.

I'm so tired out from all that happened.  In shock from it.  I'm puzzled.  Do I sit down and give up?  Do I fight?  Do I..... what?

Right now, I'm inclined to do nothing.  To rest and recover.  To wait.

The last I heard from God, He said step back and wait, I am going to do something.

I hope this was not of His doing.  I don't think so.  It is not like God.  But it is confusing.  Where is He and what is He doing?  When is He going to step in and do something?

How do I wait?  Patiently?  Passively?  Actively?  I don't know.

So I wait.  Sometimes crying, sometimes just going about life.  Waiting for God to talk again.  He told me He is still here.  Reminded me, going back in time to a time before a friend stepped in to walk with me, reminding me that even then, He was with me.  I know that.  But I am so confused.

I feel like I am in shock.  Stunned.

Some days, I feel like giving up.

Then I sleep.  Or walk.  And pray for the strength to go through one more day.

And hope that God shows up and something happens.

It hasn't yet.

So I live one day, sometimes one hour at a time.

I ignore friends when they ask how I am.

How can I answer?

I'm ashamed of what I was called, even if it was not even close to the truth.

I'm too ashamed to talk to my friends.

What if they believe it?

So I just live one day, sometimes one morning at a time.

With simple things.  Today, I am going to de-bone the chicken I cooked and make dinner with it.

Today, I am going to clean the kitchen and plan the week's meals.

This afternoon, I am going to do a load of laundry.

One thing at a time, I slowly do, trying to stay involved in it, straining to focus and not think.

But it is almost spring, and most years, I would be outside searching the garden for the first shoots of my bulbs.  This year, I dread them.  My bulbs will bloom, and I will see them and be sad remembering.  They were a gift.  They used to make me smile.  Now, they bring tears.

I'm so confused that I don't know which way is up anymore.  So I de-bone chicken and do laundry.

It makes him happy.  Maybe that is all there is to life.


Joyful said...

I've never heard of the 90 second thing. Nor do I believe it.

Whenever I've found it difficult to cope and don't believe in anything good, the only thing that helped was to get the Word deep down into my spirit. I know when you are feeling down and hopeless it is even hard to read the Word or prayer and the prayers of others can help lift you.

But if you can open your book, read Psalm 91. Read it out loud, read it over and over. Read only those that comfort you or give you hope but do read it. It helps us to remember that God is our protector. I can tell you it helped me through something really rough and things did change. Hugs and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but I read your blog regularly. I pray that God will continue to lift you up in his hands. He has told you that he will work, keep trusting him. Waiting can be one of the hardest things to do, but don't give up. I loved your story about the moon, and the reminder that it is to you. Remember God is always with you. You are valued. You are his. He has not abandoned you. Keep praying!

Anonymous said...

I don't know you and I certainly don't want to be a negative voice so please know my words are not to pressure you but I feel need to share a view. I too am a missionary. Being a missionary sometimes feels that you have to put up with or "suck it up" with marriage issues for the good of your testimony and the good of the ministry work. I understand that. However I think that is a man made legalistic view that pressures people to accept as normal something that is not only not God honoring but also it is not a healthy testimony to the very mission field you may be trying to present a good face to. I do not think divorce is the fast answer. But I think seriously seriously seriously you need to very strongly consider seperation from your husband for the health and wellbeing of yourself and your children. Your children being raised in such an enviroment can be harmful to such a deeper level than the harm caused to your husband or to "those people over there" that may be disappointed by the physical view of what is already happening inside the home.

Anonymous said...

If you would consider views of Biblical viewpoints there are some solid resources I would ask you to consider:

Ellie said...

Thank-you for your comments. I think I used to believe that I had to simply suck it up. I don't any more. I read through the resources you sent and some others. I do firmly believe that if there is not change in my husband and he keeps on going like he was the last year, that there will be a separation in order to hopefully create the need to change.

However, right now, besides being terribly hurt from what the counselor accused me of, I am hanging in. I am seeing my husband for the first time in his life admit he has a problem with anger and for the first time in his life deal with his health problems, too. I have people involved who for the first time believe me and are interested in seeing that there is change. I still carry a pack-load of hurt from people before them who didn't believe me, but I will have to sort that out myself. I am hurting, and really hurting, but at the moment, there is peace at home. A instable peace, but peace.

I am willing to stay as long as he does not blow up in anger and as long as he keeps taking steps towards change. I will know that more in the next weeks.

Not knowing is difficult. I feel unsure of a lot. But one thing I am becoming more sure of is that God is not in favor of my family living in emotional abuse, and I have key people in my church and life who would stand behind me in that. So I am less of a push-over than I was.

Anonymous said...

Praise God for the people that are speaking truth into your life even while others speak condemnation and pain. Other resources that I highly suggest are-

and that authors website with different free authors. you can also watch youtube videos.

BTW i am a christian counselor I have been serving on mission field for over 10 yrs. Not ALL christian counselors are as bad as the experiences you have had.

I pray you find the healing you and your children need. God has the same good amazing plan for you today as He did from the time He knit you together in the womb.

God bless

Anonymous said...

sorry i wrote prat of that comment badly----the website for that author which has free articles and also youtube videos :