Loneliness

I'm lonely.

A deep loneliness

my internal world grows larger

because there is no safety in the external world

because I live with someone who think that to think deeply

is a sign of something wrong

is an unneccesity

why think?

when you can just live in the moment and not think at all?

But I think, ponder, wonder,

It is who I am.

There is nothing wrong with having a different personality.

God made me like this.

But now I am lonely.

A deep loneliness.

There is no one to talk to.

There is no one to listen.

So I retreat.

I am silent more.

I want to cry.

I want to talk.

I want to laugh, smile, wonder, see, learn, think.

And there is no one to listen.

So I pause.

Unsure of how to act in this reality

Nothing really changed here

Except that I lost friends

And live in silence.

Now I must sort my way through this mess

alone.

And added to the pain of what I live in

Is the sharp pain of loss.

So I retreat some more

to silence.

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I am like a flower

I open in sunshine.

I'm lonely.

Lost good friends.  Alone. 

So I retreat

I stretch the boundaries of my internal world

And look around at the silence there.

I must learn to live alone.

To be comfortable with loneliness

I think of the girl in The Island of the Blue Dolphins

alone with the sea and animals

she managed

I want a pet

an animal that can pick up my internal cues

and respond to them.

I watch the wind, the skies, the trees.

Thinking.

But I no longer attempt to translate my thoughts into words.

There is no one to tell them to.