A deep loneliness
my internal world grows larger
because there is no safety in the external world
because I live with someone who think that to think deeply
is a sign of something wrong
is an unneccesity
when you can just live in the moment and not think at all?
But I think, ponder, wonder,
It is who I am.
There is nothing wrong with having a different personality.
God made me like this.
But now I am lonely.
A deep loneliness.
There is no one to talk to.
There is no one to listen.
So I retreat.
I am silent more.
I want to cry.
I want to talk.
I want to laugh, smile, wonder, see, learn, think.
And there is no one to listen.
So I pause.
Unsure of how to act in this reality
Nothing really changed here
Except that I lost friends
And live in silence.
Now I must sort my way through this mess
And added to the pain of what I live in
Is the sharp pain of loss.
So I retreat some more
I am like a flower
I open in sunshine.
Lost good friends. Alone.
So I retreat
I stretch the boundaries of my internal world
And look around at the silence there.
I must learn to live alone.
To be comfortable with loneliness
I think of the girl in The Island of the Blue Dolphins
alone with the sea and animals
I want a pet
an animal that can pick up my internal cues
and respond to them.
I watch the wind, the skies, the trees.
But I no longer attempt to translate my thoughts into words.
There is no one to tell them to.