Throwing the wounded to the sharks. It produces a maniac feeding frenzy. The water churns with the attacks and the blood flows. The question is at the end of it, will there be anything left?
My heart was thrown to the sharks today. Scolded that I did not do enough for others to set their minds at ease during the worst crisis I have lived through. Blamed for not reassuring others enough.
It wasn't enough that I was up for five nights day and night working on a solution. It wasn't enough that I reached out to comfort others whose load was not as heavy as mine. It wasn't enough that I went that long not knowing if our family would be the same, if we would ever be together again. It wasn't enough that we communicated that we were safe and we were taking a day off to recover together.
We did not reassure them enough that first day, and we were blamed for it. Bruised, bleeding, and still stunned, they threw me to the sharks. Open range to attack for what I did not do.
I'm still not sure there is a pulse left. I sit staring blankly off into space stunned. I really don't know if I have any feelings left. I don't know what is left of me. I don't know if there is a piece of my heart without jagged teeth marks on it. Today, I feel like it is a fatal injury. Tomorrow, I will get up and look at God and cry. Today, I don't have enough energy for tears.
5 comments:
Praying for you, Ellie!
Oh, Ellie, you've been through it lately, haven't you? Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I'm soooo sorry! What a stinky way to be treated, especially when dealing with personal trauma. I'm angry for you! Be gentle with yourself!
I'm so sorry!!! Take your rest, and hug your family (lots!). Do what you need to for yourself and them. Even if others can't see what is really going on, God does, and HE knows. Blessings and comfort to you.
Ellie, what in the world have I missed in your life? I ventured on to my very full Google Reader today and clicked on your blog. Figured I could do that while I was nursing although it didn't work as well as I had hoped as I needed that second hand to make it easier for him. Anyway, I'm going to read what I can now and then come back once the kids are in bed. I feel so out of the loop with you.
I haven't posted on my blog, but Elliot was born on March 27. I will be posting "any day." My mom has been gone for almost a week now, and I wasn't doing any blogging when she was here so I could spend time with her. But now I'm realizing that would've been my chance. Dan put the birth on his Facebook account and we sent it in our newsletter, but I'm not sure you get our newsletter.
Okay, I'm going to go so I can figure out a little more of what's going on, but I'm feeling hurt for you! I will never understand why people react in certain ways. I'm so sad to hear you so bruised because last I was on here, you were about to go on a trip but I know that was awhile ago. Wish you could debrief more openly, but I'm guessing you're used to this.
I've missed you, my blog friend!
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