Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Mornings Were the Hardest

I woke when the sun streamed in the window and the realization of the day hit before my eyes were fully opened.  I was in an empty bed.  I didn't know where my husband was and if I would ever see him again.  Today, I had to tell my kids...

I rolled over and sobbed.  I cried loudly early that morning, my stomach heaving at the thought of facing the day to come.  Comfort and peace did not come.

After the tears settled, I got up and began to get ready for the day, but even walking across the house to the bathroom was difficult... my legs would not hold me and my body shook with fear and pain.  The pressure of all that was facing me crushed me and mocking thoughts filled my head...

I leaned on the counter in the bathroom staring at my face... trying to find out where I was in the middle of all this.  Then I knew that I can't do this.  I can not give in to these mocking thoughts.

I picked up my head and began to speak firmly, "You have not won!  Jesus won that victory when He died and when He was raised from the dead.  It is finished.  The victory is won, and you can not have it.  And even if they kill him over there, you still have NOT won!  I will not be afraid, but chose to trust!"

The heaviness and mocking left, and I was left in the silent house once more.  Mechanically, I began to straighten things.  I updated those praying.  I connected with those running the crisis.  Did things I was asked.

That morning, I learned to deal with false hopes.  Twice news came in about where they were and that they were safe, but the news turned out to be rumor.  I learned to guard my heart and stay within those who were responding to the crisis.  I had confidence in these people.  But the effect on my emotions of false hopes twice was devastating.

I also reached out to find one friend who could help.  She had been through a similar thing when her kids were my kid's ages.  But she was not answering her phone.

I phoned my friends who had my kids and set up plans to bring them home and talk to them.  I wanted both these friends with me then.  My pastor also decided to come.  We needed them  - I am one mom with only two arms, and I was about to break four kid's hearts.

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