Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The First Night

I walked on late that afternoon to the house of the other wife - the one whose husband had seen what had happened.  He was still over there, and we were concerned about his well-being.  I wanted to go see her, to hug her.

We visited for awhile.  I helped her figure out how to get support in for her.  Her children came and looked at me with tears in their eyes.  I stayed for an hour, but that was all I could take... I needed to guard my emotions.  I knew it was unlikely that I would see my husband again, but I did not need pity and fear.  I needed trust and comfort.  So after an hour, I left.

I walked on to another friend's house.  Knowing that I struggle to eat when I am under stress, I wanted to ask my friend to feed me.  But she was not home.  So I walked home.  I checked the mail and the messages - nothing.

After another hour, I thought that I should force myself to eat to keep my strength up.  I opened the cupboard to see if there was anything easy to cook.  There was a can of soup, so I pulled it out, but could only stare at it blankly.  Figuring out how to open it and cook it was beyond me at the time.  I was still stunned and unable to manage simple tasks.

Finally, I picked up the phone book of the school and began to phone those who lived close by.  I got a friend who had just come in with her four kids and was eating.  I asked if she would bring me some leftovers when they were done.  She did - she hurried right over with food.

For the first time since my friends took my children at noon, I had someone to sit with me, to absorb some of the shock with me.  They day had been painfully lonely, and now there was a person here.  She sat with me with tears in her eyes while I ate.  We drank tea together and talked.  She hugged me, cried with me, and was simply with me.  It was something special.

When she left, I moved my base of operations to my room - computer and phones on the bed... hoping.

And thought I would sleep.

But I didn't want to sleep.  I sat awake in my bed that night not wanting to close my eyes and sleep.  Why?

That morning, I had talked to my husband.  That day, I had heard his voice.  I did not want to go to sleep and wake up on another day where I had not talked to him, and that be my future...  I sat awake crying at the thought of sleeping and facing a day when I had not talked to him.  I didn't think I could handle that.

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