I walked on late that afternoon to the house of the other wife - the one whose husband had seen what had happened. He was still over there, and we were concerned about his well-being. I wanted to go see her, to hug her.
We visited for awhile. I helped her figure out how to get support in for her. Her children came and looked at me with tears in their eyes. I stayed for an hour, but that was all I could take... I needed to guard my emotions. I knew it was unlikely that I would see my husband again, but I did not need pity and fear. I needed trust and comfort. So after an hour, I left.
I walked on to another friend's house. Knowing that I struggle to eat when I am under stress, I wanted to ask my friend to feed me. But she was not home. So I walked home. I checked the mail and the messages - nothing.
After another hour, I thought that I should force myself to eat to keep my strength up. I opened the cupboard to see if there was anything easy to cook. There was a can of soup, so I pulled it out, but could only stare at it blankly. Figuring out how to open it and cook it was beyond me at the time. I was still stunned and unable to manage simple tasks.
Finally, I picked up the phone book of the school and began to phone those who lived close by. I got a friend who had just come in with her four kids and was eating. I asked if she would bring me some leftovers when they were done. She did - she hurried right over with food.
For the first time since my friends took my children at noon, I had someone to sit with me, to absorb some of the shock with me. They day had been painfully lonely, and now there was a person here. She sat with me with tears in her eyes while I ate. We drank tea together and talked. She hugged me, cried with me, and was simply with me. It was something special.
When she left, I moved my base of operations to my room - computer and phones on the bed... hoping.
And thought I would sleep.
But I didn't want to sleep. I sat awake in my bed that night not wanting to close my eyes and sleep. Why?
That morning, I had talked to my husband. That day, I had heard his voice. I did not want to go to sleep and wake up on another day where I had not talked to him, and that be my future... I sat awake crying at the thought of sleeping and facing a day when I had not talked to him. I didn't think I could handle that.