There was something that had gone wrong this time while he was over there. It was a little thing, that one would think to ignore, but it had gone wrong. It continued to bother me throughout the week, but just a niggling worry in the back of my head.
The first inkling I had of anything really wrong was one evening when my husband was talking to me on skype. He told me his plans for that day, and I was immediately concerned. Something didn't sound right. When I think back on it, I really wonder why I reacted that way. It is something he has done many times. I did it myself not too long ago. It was nothing horribly out of the ordinary. But somehow that little thing that went wrong earlier meant that this next action was not done the way we would normally do it. The more I listened to the plans and how things were unfolding, the more concerned I grew. I literally begged my husband for an hour not to do what he was headed to do. If skype had a transporting device, I would have been using it and standing with my hands on my hip in front of him insisting that he do not do it! But we could only write each other.
I usually do not act like this, but I was worried. I told him that I know that if he does this, things are going to go wrong. I begged him not to. He was so relaxed about it, knowing that it couldn't be done the normal way, but was sure that nothing would happen. But because of my begging, he agreed to do a little bit of last minute changes, (which I found out later he was unable to do). Still I insisted that it was not good enough. Finally, he said he would ask our friend's advice and do what he said. I relaxed because I trusted this man and figured he would stop him.
But the worry remained through the night. It was a long, lonely night. I sat for about an hour staring at my computer trying to distract myself, but was not relaxing. I am used to getting a phone call that he is going to do something and he will phone me when he returns, and am more aware to be praying during those times, but nothing like this. I sat that night with a deep sense of fear as my company.
About an hour into the wait, I decided that we needed people praying. I made some calls and got groups in two of my "home" locations to pray. Then I sat some more through that very long night. My thoughts ran back and forth through many things...
I remembered walking with my husband shortly after he proposed and talking over what life would be like for us. We knew that with what we wanted to do, there would be no guarantees of safety...
I remembered things I had said that I wish I hadn't....
I sat thinking about four sleeping heads tucked in their beds and about what I would say to them tomorrow if I had not heard...
But mostly I sat....
Sometimes I asked God why these two together? ... If there was one person I would phone in a situation like this, it would be this friend who was over there with him. ... Sometimes I was thankful they were together. Sometimes, I simply sat with tears running down my face and asked God, "not both, please, not both". My thoughts ran to two other wives who were caught up in this event and did not know it yet. Wondering, praying. One would not take this well... praying for her and for her husband.... I actually grew pretty insistent with God that He let this one walk away....
But mostly I sat quietly...
I remembered the wonderful week my husband and I had, the laughter, the great talks...
I remembered the pain in the eyes of a friend of mine who I watched through the time she lost her husband in car crash... raw pain.... shuddered at the thought of walking that path myself...
I remembered praying for another friend about whose husband we didn't know for a long time... praying day and night through that time, and the good news that came after months.... sick at the thought of going through what she went through...
But mostly, I sat quietly....
I sat through that night with fear as my company and my eyes on God. Praying little, because what is there to say just then? But watching God, looking to Him in the silence, praying with every breath. Begging Him to keep everyone safe.
Then in the morning, I got that phone call.
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