My Prayer

There was nothing that could stop me shaking today, fighting tears, somewhat unsuccessfully. The hurt swallowing all thought and reason. I felt like I was sinking, drowning in an invisible sea.

Then I began to write and wrote out my prayer for today. Somehow, this discipline has held me several times in my life, helping me to focus and concentrate, to say to God the things my unquiet spirit was unable to put into words. Writing doesn't require the ability to stop crying to speak.

This, then, is my prayer for today.

Father, Lord of all, who sits enthroned in the heavens holding all power, deeply involved in our lives as our Father, You see. I stand before You broken, trembling, bruised, helpless, and hurting. I stand guilty, not with clean hands, wanting to follow You, wanting to do what is right, but still so imperfect. I hurt, Lord, and I feel as if I've failed You; brought dishonor to Your name. When I look up, I see Your love and it deeply hurts me - I didn't want to fail You. Yet, I stand before You not condemned; You have paid the price;You have bought my freedom; You have proclaimed my righteousness that You have lived for me. So I stand before You broken, bruised, ashamed, hurting, failing, and guilty, but with confidence in who You are and in Your love for me. I stand before You deeply loved. For that, thank-you. Lord, who sits on Your throne, defend Your own. Step down and fight Your battle. You said those that the Father gives You, You will not let anyone take out of Your hand. Your word stands. With Your word, You created the world and the heavens. Speak now. Arise and let Your enemies be scattered. Speak to me, and teach me to obey. As You walk us through this time of testing and discipline, be my comfort, be my safe place, be my shelter, be my life and love. I have no other besides You. Oh Lord, hold my heart, give me wisdom, guard my tongue, show me how to respect my husband through this time, give me strength, surround me with wise and caring friends who are not sympathetic to me but have a deep passion for Your glory. I'm yours, Father, broken, bruised, failing; I'm yours, care for me.

A Night Awake

Well, the news has been told to my husband by leadership. He blew up angry, and is still angry. He spent the night sending e-mails about to me everyone he knows, so I am expecting calls today from people I really didn't want to explain this to.

It's been a rough night, and I don't know that the day will get better. Pray for me, for endurance, for wise choices by the leadership, for wisdom and strength for the couple that my husband is with, and for a heart willing to listen.

Riding Rollercoasters

I was trying to think of an analogy that would describe my life recently.

Roller-coasters.

I began to say to people that I need to get off this roller-coaster that I am on - this vicious cycle which is not improving. I didn't know that getting off that roller-coaster would mean getting on another.

This is definitely different. The twists, the sudden drops, the fast turn arounds all very different from what I was used to. With my old roller-coaster, it was familiar. Still difficult, still painful to go through, but I had become so accustomed to the ride that I could have provided commentary in route.

The new one is a total surprise to me. I took a look at it before I got on, and am vaguely aware of some of the challenges and turns in it, but it's still taking my breath away.

Our leadership is now listening and taking action. Those actions are not going to be easy for us, but I believe they are done in wisdom and love and I hope for God's working. It is just difficult, and I am struggling. What is needed is what I said was needed to clear out the river - repentance.

We can pray for that. And for the ability to endure the ups and downs of my right now.

Tomorrow's Meeting

So, tomorrow, I sit down face to face with one person who, hopefully will begin the process of helping in this situation. It has been a frustrating week for me besides a very difficult one. It seems as if leadership, at times, likes to stick its head in the sand and hope for the best. Or perhaps they are all nervous and not sure what should be done.

I've felt like an accident victim surrounded by amateur, nervous first aide responders. They all circle around hesitantly, but there is no clear chain of command, no good communication, and no clear course of action. It is as if they are all standing around wondering who should do what.

It is frustrating. So pray for the meeting tomorrow, and pray for a good, clear course of action and for wisdom. Pray for patience for me. I am not really a "sit around and wonder what to do" type of person in a crisis. I usually assess quickly, take charge if needed or determine who is in charge and make myself available to them, and act. Circled unsure faces are hard to cope with when it is you lying on the pavement.

Do You Believe in Jinxes?

No, of course we don't. We are Christians, after all! Seriously.

But isn't it funny when you say something and just then the opposite happens? When I work, we never say, "Oh, it is a quiet night." Never. Because the minute you do, it will get busy, crazy busy.

I was just leaving work tonight after a rough day (I'm finding life itself just rough with all the emotions going on right now.), and my coworker waved and said, "Goodnight, Ellie, hope your weekend gets better." I walked out, got in my car, and it wouldn't start. Nothing could get it going. Thankfully, my coworker gave me a ride home, but.....

No, I don't honestly believe in jinxes... but it is sure funny when things like this happen!

I'll deal with the car tomorrow. I think I know what it will need.

Pass the Chocolate!

My daughter (5) today was collapsed outside in a heap on the grass sobbing during recess. I went to see why. Her best friend was collapsed a few feet away sobbing. I put her on my lap where she continued to cry and insist, "I don't want to tell you why!" I insisted that she needs to tell me, and slowly the story came out.

Apparently the teacher said something, and it made her feel bad, so she was crying. Why is your friend crying? "Because I am!", she wailed! Ah, for a good friend! So I carried her over to her best friend and told both huddled heaps that when women feel bad, we like to find a friend and eat chocolate and cry together. The older girls who had gathered around the spectacle of two small wailing heaps on the grass agreed. "Yes, that is what we do when we are sad."

Two little heads peeped half up at me, and one asked, "Do you have chocolate?"

"No. No chocolate, sorry, but one of the big girls, has some cookies here, maybe she'll share." Then I excused myself for a second.

Went to the teacher, got an explanation. She was totally unaware that her half-teasing comment had two small girls sobbing, so out she went to sit by the huddled heaps and talk it over. I stayed away. After a few minutes, the heaps sat up, brushed their hair out of their eyes, and went back inside - problem solved, even without chocolate.

Thank-you to all of you who would have been over eating chocolate with me this week!

I Need a Rodeo Clown

I need a rodeo clown. A rodeo clown and a rodeo announcer. One to cover for me, to attract the attention of the bull away, putting himself between a charging bull and the stunned rider on the ground. One to yell at me, over the loudspeaker.

We watched one summer, a bull rider get bucked off, but his hand did not come loose from the rope around the bull. So he flapped around by his hand tied onto a 2,000lb angry bull. Here we saw the clown and the announcer working together to save the rider. The clown jumped in, circling, getting closer, distracting the bull. A few other clowns joined in, each trying to get close enough to pull that rope which would loosen the rider's hand. Covering for each other, getting the bull's attention off those close to him, putting their bodies between the bull and the weaker ones.

Then the announcer. He dropped all his showman's voice, stopped talking to the watching crowd, stopped telling how great the rider was or what was his nickname or credentials. Instead, in a very firm, commanding voice, he said, "Hang on, son, stay on your feet. Stay on your feet son, we're coming for you!" And the rider tried. It was a voice which made you pull everything you had in you out in an effort to obey it. He bounced around for awhile, but then he went limp. Again, the announcer was very calm and insistent, "Son, wake up, get back on your feet. We're right here with you!"

Finally, a clown got close enough to pull that rope, which let the passed out rider slide to the floor in a motionless heap. Another clown jumped between him and the bull again, yelling and hitting the bull in the face before jumping away. The enraged bull chased the clown, and the other clowns grabbed the rider and dragged him to safety. At the rails, the rider lifted his head slightly. Only then, did the crowd let out its breath and begin to make noise... but not before the announcer's voice came through in a relieved sigh, "Thank-you Jesus!"

I need a rodeo clown and an announcer today. Someone cover for me and someone yell at me. I'm not staying on my feet.


I think the last picture says it well.

Pray!

Can I just put in a post for prayer? I am too tired and overwhelmed to even write why right now, but I need people praying. Pray for answers because without them, life is not looking good.

If I find my ability to think and write, I will try to write what is going on. Just not right now.

Beautiful Shoes

It was time for a family photo again. My daughter had outgrown any nice clothes she had, so I took her shopping.

Growing up with three brothers means she isn't exactly much of a girly-girl.

As we walked through the store, she saw something. "Oh, look mommy! Nice shoes!"

I smiled and looked. Cute. They were little slippers with baubles on them. Warm fuzzy thoughts began to fill my head.... "isn't it nice to just go shopping with my daughter...."

Then she continued in her excited voice, "because, Mommy, if you were wearing those shoes and playing war, and you ran out of bullets; you could just pull those round things off the shoes and throw them!"

---POP---

(that was the sound of my warm fuzzy bubble popping)

Snake Bite

Note:
Our house hold has recently acquired a garter snake. Why? Well, the boys caught it in a field. Actually, the way I look at it, it is not that bad. It is better than a bird which makes a mess; it is better than a rodent which stinks, and better than a dog which is an immense amount of work. A snake is a relatively easy pet. And it is small.

Well....

My five year old daughter came running the other day, her body shivering, but trying to be brave. "Mommy, what happens if the snake bites us? Is it poisonous?" Then her composure began to crack, and her little lip began to tremble. Tears swam in her eyes. "because it bit me two times......., but they were little bites and they don't really hurt."

Poor baby! I tipped her eyes up to meet mine and asked, "Do you think I would really let you play with a snake that is poisonous? The snake is not dangerous. I love you and want to keep you safe. I would not let you play with a poisonous snake ever!"

Relief poured in with two tears sneaking down her face on top of a relieved smile.

Time for a cuddle to let the shivers of remaining fear shudder out of her little body.