What Makes Them Home?

Maridee asked me this question about my friends who are special to me. And what gave them mileage in my life.

These people... hmm... what makes them home for me...?

Well, it has come from four years of "walking with me" as they say. For four years, they have been there for me, several times a week writing, reading e-mails, talking to me.... just being available. They listened without condemnation, allowed me to open up more, did not run when I questioned their honesty or motives, nor when I accused them - but sat there smiling at me and determinedly loving me. They shared their thoughts and struggles with me, and when I struggle, they encourage me. They let me get to know them. I know of them that they have chosen not to speak a bad word about another person to a someone else. They've shown me this in their own lives, so I know that my life is safe with them, and they will not dishonor me or betray my trust. Besides that, they just love me - they love my kids, they are interested in what they do, in my life, and they share with me their family and life. They have good boundaries and let me know them well and kindly, and I respect their boundaries. They stay in my home, I stay in theirs, their kids stayed with me for summers when they were teenagers, and my boys look forward to being old enough to go to their kid's houses.

They pray with me, they laugh at me, they help me see myself, and then they tell me who I am in Christ. But mostly, they chose to love me - it has nothing to do with who I am or how I am acting on any particular day. At their house, I am free to be at home, and not be a guest. They have the ability to ask me anything in my life and I can be honest with them, yet I never feel forced to talk if I chose not to.

They are people God has put into my life. They've taken on that role with joy, and with humor at times. And I love them.

Mileage - they've worked with me over the last four years, although I have known them since I was married, through many issues in my life - bringing me close to God, teaching me that God's love is unconditional and showing me what that means, walking through the darkness of my past into light and rejoicing in me as I walked and encouraging me when I fell. They fought battles for me in prayer when I could not even pray myself, and they pushed me to stand on my own feet when I could. They let me watch their deep hurt over some very unfair treatment they went through, and so showed me how to act gracefully as God's child in the middle of an unfair situation. I've seen them cry both over things in life and over me - both tears of hurt and tears of joy. I am who I am today in a large part because these two decided to love me. They gave me the ability to be transparent for the first time in my life, and to rejoice in that ability. I say with them, I have the ability to stretch out and relax, like you would lying on the grass on a hill, and close my eyes. I don't need to keep one eye on them because I know their hearts proven over time, and I know with them, I am safe.

Their home is a quiet place. Peaceful. There they pray, and they pray a lot over many things, and the peace you feel walking into the home comes, I think, from the prayers in the house. They agree to deal with conflict right away, with grace, and humility, and they do it. I'm proud of these two, and I love them.

It is this couple who have walked with me through all of the mess of my past, and that was not even their official job. It was just something they decided to do.

These are my friends, where I am at home, and I know I am loved. I'm proud of them.

And On The Side...

Can ya'll pray - I've been fighting one of those headaches for three days now - you know, one of those that is borderline migraine, but hasn't quite made up its mind to go that far yet. Sensitive to light, nauseated by food, and hurts to move, but not quite to the proportions of a migraine. It is making my daily life difficult, and four kids home for a four day weekend really are not helpful for migraine fighting!

Thanks for all the input, too. My husband mentioned again to someone about going to this couple's house for a few days on his way home. I'd love him to go. I'd love to go, too. But if that is what we should do, please pray for guidance and for funds for that... I hate to trust my instincts here on this one since everything in me always wants to go to their house! :) It is in many ways my home. Safe ground. Peaceful. And with people who know me probably better than I know myself, and love me even if I act like a brat! The mileage they have in my life is amazing.

It is true, too, that I think that with my pastor, it will take weeks before either of us are able to establish trust with him. He is not helping in that regard. I don't want to work against him or in rebellion to him, but I might not be able to work with him, either. We may have to work with another person. We'll see. I want to make this decision with my husband, not without him.

What Would You Look For?

What would you look for in someone to counsel you in a marriage problem?

This is my question today. Our here pastor is doing the job, but we are both increasingly frustrated with him. He has no plan besides "meet and talk about issues of the heart". That is it. Nothing more will he tell us. I've asked and asked, but he says he can't give us a time-line or anything else, only that as we talk, more issues will come up, and we will talk more.

Makes me want to not talk.

He hasn't even yet talked about meeting with us both together. He hasn't shared what his philosophy is or how he think. It is just "trust me".

My husband and I really both want to work on our marriage. We do. We have problems, yes, big ones, yes, but we want to work on it. This is very slow, and without a plan or purpose, and we just aren't sure about it.

What would you look for in someone to counsel you in a marriage problem? Or course, it is also an anger problem which is separate from and twisted into the marriage, too. But what would you be looking for? Or, if you were considering having a pastor counsel you, what questions would you be asking to be sure that this is the wisest choice?

Maybe the pastor is a good guy for the job, but what questions should I ask him to know that or not?

Thanks for your input.

Welcome

Welcome Angela, jackandellasmum, and Maridee! Nice to have you in this little community.

NEWS FLASH - Three in a Row!

Wow - that got a lot of response! Thanks for weighing in on the issue. All of you have good things to say, and I am thinking them over. The good thing is that as much as the pastor wants to do this now, he can't push me. I have the address list, and he doesn't.... nyah, nyah, nyah! (Sorry, can't resist - I dislike feeling pushed and forced into things, and just realized that he can't push more than I want to give.)

My husband came over for dinner. First we went to see the new office. All I can say is I think God knows what He is doing. He put us somewhere which makes me smile - smack in the middle of another Christian thing where we have more exposure to godly men and women, and potential of people who can be interested in what we are doing, and we are desperate for help in two areas... so smiling and watching. Sometimes I sit on the sidelines with God as He lines things up and smile as I see Him move.

So dinner - it was good. We were all too tired to talk much, and my two older sons chattered on and on about a biking adventure one had had today. Thank God, too, that He had already arranged that my older son would go biking with his four best buddies all day in a ravine. Nothing like a good sunny day, time with friends, and hard exercise to help him deal with emotions. But... pray! I think we will have to go out fund-raising again - this child ate three peices of lasanga, three pieces of garlic bread, a full salad, a piece of peach pie, and then ten minutes later snuck up to devour another piece of garlic bread on the sly!

So, mostly we sat around. The little ones read to Daddy, and then we all just curled up on the couch. It was a good evening, and hard to let him go.

After the frustrations with some of the other men I am dealing with (not saying who...), I am tempted to say "forget them, I'll keep the trouble I am used to!" :-) No, can't do that. I know he is nice now and happy, but I need to see the anger dealt with.

NEWS FLASH - Sleeping Men Rise and Begin to Make Good Decisions

Yes, it's true. Shocked me today, but true. Our team leader saw the letter, answered my skype to take a look at it, and rewrote it much more positively than I could have. (Easier for others to insist that you get complimented than for you to yourself!)

Then our field leader who has been heretofore silent, wrote in and suggested that the issue of funds ought to be addressed and requested that people continue to support us.

Yay! Let's all pause for a moment of silent thanks for sleeping men who woke.....

Ah. Much easier for them to "fix" the letter. Hmm.... nothing to do with prayers of a half dozen women scattered around the world, is it?

Now, I will take all the suggested edits, and combine them into one. Writing and editing is what I do now - but I am not professional at it, so do not judge my writings based on that statement. It is only that I am one of the few on our team who speak English as my mother tongue, except our team leader.... but he is one of those who are exceptionally brilliant in some areas, but in others.... well... it is just best if he works with an editor!

Oh, and then my husband wrote a letter to the team about the move thanking them for their effort and saying that he appreciates their support during this time, we are working on issues, and we hope to be back with them soon. Wow! This was a man who a few days ago told me he could never face the team again and I had ruined his entire chances with them since in his culture there is no forgiveness possible. I only told him as gently and firmly as I could that forgiveness is not an American concept, but a Christian one, and if we are believers first, and culture second, and even the team here can learn this. Give them the chance.

So, good and bad. Bad follows good as unsympathetically as a cold winter storm blowing in from the west. Good follows bad as determindly as the crocuses push up the snow in early spring. And in the middle of all these cycles, I sit - trying hard to trust a God I believe in, but One who I am begging to make life easy for me just this once, please, please. I don't like pain! I'm ready to cry uncle. (why do we cry uncle? Is this because it was those gangly uncles who liked to tease small kids until they cried?)

But today ends with a higher note than it began with, although with the sadness of saying good bye again to my husband as he leaves for two weeks. Pray with me that here, in this time, God speaks to him.

And pray as I have a meeting with our here pastor again tomorrow.

NEWS FLASH #2 - Things Sink Into Hard Head

Oh, I did say something sunk in from my Beth Moore study on Wednesday. Two things. The first was talking about people being unable to give us what we need at times. Sometimes we so desperatly seek something from people - approval, love, etc - and they don't give it. There are varying reasons for that, whether lack of ability, the love of control over us, sheer ignorance. Beth said, "get your approval and love from God. Get what you need from God, and He will fill you up. Then you are able to give." This is something I need to hear right now. I want my husband to love and appreciate me. He doesn't. He might slightly for a time, and then he is angry and doesn't. I want to be respected and cared for without false accusations by people in leadership, and it just isn't happening. But God. He is there and He gives.

Do you want to hear what I put at the end of my letter to my pastor about the tone of his letter? I said, "But, I serve a God who delights in me and rejoices over me with singing, and even when He corrects me, He doesn't change that poured out love in me, rejoicing in me. I think we could at least manage to squeak in a smile in the letter."

See, my life has been changed by one person who decided that he and his wife would love me, and they did. No matter what, no matter what I did or didn't do, they loved me. They constantly saw the good in my life and told me about it. They smiled when they talked to me, and when they had to correct me, they did it with gentle teasing or with tears and love. They loved me. And they changed my life because of it.

The other thing that sunk in from the Beth Moore study was what she said at the end about God gets it. (Ya'll that are a week behind, will have to wait, and I'll try not to spoil it for you.) God gets it. He knows what this pain has meant to me. My husband may never quite get it. He might not. I'd like him to realize that it hurt me, but he may not quite get it how much. But God does, and I may need to let go and forgive. I've been through this process in other things in my life, written about them, and now it may be time for the same sort of forgiveness here.

I don't want to post here on my blog, but those of you who I know through your blogs, if you want, write me, and I will send you a link to the rest of my story, to an article I wrote about two years ago about some of the healing I myself have been through. It will explain more if you haven't had enough reading already. :-0

NEWS FLASH #3 - Silent Husband Carries on Real Conversation
In between writing this post, my husband phoned from the airport, and we had a really good open talk just now. It was good. He wants to go visit this couple who mean so much to me, and was worried that people will think he is running. I encouraged him to do so. I will stand up for him for it. God uses these people. They have already been praying for us every day in detail for four years now, and they are people who have insight and wisdom. Hey, I'll fly over for a visit, too!

Opinions Needed

Ok - our pastor here, where we are, which is not "on the field" and not yet "home" either... its complicated - a sort of assignment here since our country was not workable for awhile, and the "here" has sort of become a longer term place, too.

All that to say we have a "here" pastor as well as a "home" pastor. Then we have a team leader who pops in and out on his way to and from different places. He is the one with vision problems. He has always had some quirks where he is very focused and doesn't always see beyond his focus - like a horse with blinders on. Then we also have a leader of our organization who is based a few hours away. This leader also did nothing when I asked for help beside volunteer to pray. He is apparently involved now after our here pastor called, but I wonder how much as I haven't heard anything from him, either.

So, our here pastor has taken charge of the situation. At times I am thankful he is doing something, and at times I am frustrated because he can not formulate a plan other than "meet with me and work on matters of the heart, and we'll see". I am a plan person. "This is where we want to go; this is how I think we will get there; and this is how we will measure where we are."

Well, our here pastor has decided it would be best to send a letter to all our supporting churches and tell them that we are going to take a six month's sabbatical to work on marriage problems (not infidelity, but problems) and we will step back from ministry during that time, and would you please pray.

He is asking for our opinion on the letter. So, I am asking for yours. I think that it is not what we talked about initially. We initially talked about a letter just to say we are taking a six month sabbatical partly because it is due and partly because we need a rest and time to deal with stress built up over the last six years. I am worried that a letter like he sends will be the end of our support - finished, ended. People understand sabbaticals, stress, personal issues - but marriage problems the way he has worded it sound really bad, like it is over, go put your money elsewhere where things are fine.

What is your opinion? Don't think this one out for a day or two, because he is looking for an answer. Tell me your off the top of your head, what experience have you had throughout your times being/ watching missions?

Kids

Pray for my kids today.

Their daddy came over to say goodbye before he flies out late tomorrow. After he left, my oldest came to me in tears. Daddy had told him that he should just a find a new, better daddy.

His response? To go to his room, and through tears, write his daddy a note about how much he loves him and how he is the best daddy in the world and he doesn't want a new one. Asked me to give it to him to read on the plane, but wouldn't come out of his room again while Daddy was here.

Then he sobbed in my arms later, after he was gone.

That hurts today... why must they suffer so much?

Other than that, I went to Bible study, and something sunk into my head. I'll write about it later. I'm tired, very tired today.

Well...

Well, lunch came and went. He was upset at my dad still, and wants me to support him for what he said to my dad. I said I support his position, but not what he did about it or the words used to deal with it. I am not going to support mean words. I just don't.

So he was angry to start off with. Then he wanted toknow if he can move back home, when I will let him. Can he come back after the two weeks gone for this program?

I don't know. How can I tell now? I said that we should meet after he is back and discuss that, and see. He was not thrileed with that answer, though. He says that I have ruined his life and there is no way he will be able to be in ministry again since the shame will be too high - how can he face his co-workers again?

I think the whole point of this is to get to a place where it is not all about him - his right to be angry, his right to use nasty words, his right to demand and make people feel guilty, his right not to be shamed, but always honored, despite the rightness or wrongness. But that is me thinking, not him. He has determined that life is over for him now, and it is all my fault.

I feel bad now. I don't think this was what he wanted to talk about yesterday, but he got ticked off when I wouldn't stand behind him with what he said to my dad. He knows that I did write my dad and tell him that I think the action was wrong, but I did it nicely. I can't support him being nasty, just like I won't support anyone else being nasty. But, now, I am likely to lose both, family, husband, and it looks like now, the whole team is falling apart, and I feel responsible today for the total destruction of an important thing because I couldn't deal with being quiet.

I know that is not true, but I feel horrible right now. I was hoping that things would be good news today. But, of course, something ticked him off on the ay to good things..... proof enough that there is little change yet.

Disappointing.... still have to get through a dinner with him and friends tonight. I'd rather curl up and cry again.

But first - to go meet with the pastor.... who will be upset that I told his wife not to criticise me right now....

If I did not have kids.....

If I did not have kids, I'd sign on to be a nurse on a fishing trawler and disappear into the North Sea for two years.... well, if it wasn't so cold!

Hold your Breath and Don't Move - A Quiet Day!

Well, today, up to now, has gone ok so far. Still hoping... well - we did hear that there was another kidnapping, but it was not one of ours, so it doesn't hit quite so close, but we are always aware of our team members who are "in country" right now, and know they are under unbelievable stress.

But, quiet day, busy, but no major incidents. I'll take one of those any day!

Erin - I actually was thinking of a massage the other day. I had one once when we were in Thailand, and oohhh! But tonight, I might try a hot bath without kids asking me questions through the door.

Becky and Beth - ha! My mom taught me early - whether because I had a temper or because she had a lot of housework, I don't know - to find some nasty job that really needs to get done and you hate to do and do that when you are angry instead of beating people up. Yeah, well, my mom had some really clean places in her house! I didn't have much energy today, so I just mopped the floors - it was enough.

That is what I wrote to the pastor's wife later when I wrote her - "I know you did not intend to hurt me, but what I need right now is someone who intends to comfort me." It is at times not enough to have a lack of intent to harm, but we need to intend to comfort. I think it is Isaiah 61 that talks about coming to bind up, comfort, etc. When I work with nursing home patients, I often can not heal, fix, or change anything. But I do have an enormous capacity and opportunity to comfort. There are days I hate my job - but the times when I can bring comfort even for a second or two are worth all the poop I wash up. (sorry, people!)

Yet today did bring good news. My husband phoned and came over this morning to use the vonage phone to do some quick business in regards to another kidnapping - checking in with a few people... Then he stayed and helped get the kids out the door (you have to realize that he has not helped in this task for two years, only criticized my ability to do it.) He asked what he could do, and threw a roast in to slow cook for me. He stopped this morning to say he was sorry for the fight on the weekend with my dad, and said he would talk to him.

He came back in the afternoon because he wanted to talk to me, and again said he was sorry for the way he has been going about things, and said he had a good long talk with my dad and apologized. (This is a man whose apologies in years of marriage I could count on one hand!) We did not get to talk this afternoon.... um, there are four kids running around the house needing to do homework, and there is supper to cook, and things like this....

But he invited me out for supper with him and another couple who are friends of ours tomorrow night. He left early since he didn't sleep last night, and said he wanted me to meet him for lunch tomorrow and he would talk to me then.

So, ladies, keep praying.... it has been a tough month, but I think God is working....I'm just not sure what is with the "kill off a few of my friends along the way" thing, but God is working. And - ya'll should meet me during a normal time - I'm slightly more stable then, and sort of nice. :-) But I'm thankful to have all of you in my life right now.... without you, I'm not sure if I would have been able to keep my head above water at times.

Timing

Sometimes it comes down to timing.

Isn't there a time to just not say something? Isn't there ever a time to say, "I could really correct that now, but now just doesn't seem like the best time."?

Apparently not.

Let's list my few weeks....

- dealing with long term anger

- husband asked to move out

- faced stress from all the blow up from the last item

- a team member randomly shot to death

- my brother arrested and facing life in prison

- fall out from the above affects the whole family

- my team leader decided that I was not worth visiting when he came to "support us" through this time

- another friend killed and his family left alone

- my husband angry because Saturday I fed the kids later than normal for breakfast - silent again, not talking and angry

- my dad made a work decision that likely was not the wisest, and my husband is sure that I told him to do it. I didn't, but nothing will convince him - so he is angry again.

This is my last two weeks. I feel like I am going through a tornado. It's getting too wild for a roller-coaster. I'm bruised and battered and limping.

Is there even a time to just not say something?

My pastor's wife caught me after church to complain that my daughter (5) was whispering in church and disturbing people. She went on in great detail to explain that church is a reverent time, and God speaks to people in church, and we should not allow our children to make noise and disturb people.

Thanks. I really needed that today.

I know my daughter was whispering. She was trying to read her Bible, and she is only five, so she quietly sounds out words. I likely should have told her not to read just then. But, it has been a rough week or two for me, and I am struggling to function. Grieving, hurting, trying.

Is there ever a time to say, "hmm... I could let this go this week, and address it next week"?

Apparently not.

Apparently not. I was told that, really, I'm sorry for all that is going on in your life, but that is not my responsibility, and for me not to tell you this this week would not have been loving. Your life is your business, but you shouldn't be upset if I just tell you the truth.

All I had said, was timing. The timing is bad. Can you give me some grace this week?

No. Grace, I was told, is to tell you now so you can fix it.

I'm tired of being told to be perfect.

Going to post a wanted ad:

"Wanted - Someone who wants to love an imperfect person. She will never get everything right, and she may cry and be emotional at awkward times. She won't always have a clean house or perfect meals, and likely will never be exactly on time. She has four kids who are also not perfect and require a lot of time and attention, and she is not perfect at caring for them anyway. She will often forget to smile when she likely should smile, and will forget people's names. She's been known to get upset at being criticized and fiercely defends her own kids. She may improve if carefully loved, but there is no guarantee, and even after months of improvement, will fail and disappoint you. This job comes with little reward and lots of effort. Person answering ad will have to possess patience, kindness, gentleness, a good sense of humor, and an ability to stick with it.