Saturday, October 17, 2009

Change is Never Easy

I've done enough moving in my life to satisfy any gypsy's heart. I'd say I'm done with moving except that I would not want to settle here. It is not my home - no matter how much I grow to like it. But there is another type of moving, too. Moving on. Moving into new roles, new ways. Change

I hate change. Really do. I dislike it more and more each time, not less. I long for stability and comfort. Liking to hang on to what is familiar and what works. I'm the type of person who would put up with things that are not the way they should be if they are comfortable. If they are stable. I even hang on to things - strange things - that represent stability or familiarity to me.

But there are times that things you hold on to actually hold you back. Patterns you keep when you have grown out of them, hinder you. Not that the patterns were wrong - perhaps they were needed... for a time. And then you move on. If you don't move on when you need to move on from these patterns of behavior, you become stunted by them. They hold you back.

Right now, my teen-age son (oh, how strange that is to write!! He is just barely a teen.) has some patterns that are needed for him. He needs to check in with me, to get permission, to be reminded of things like homework, chores, chewing with his mouth shut. That is normal right now. But in ten years, I won't be still reminding him of these things. He won't be asking for permission to go play in the park. If he was, it would be strange. He would be stunted. (Must say I am nervous embarking on this journey from child to adult....)

The problem with me is that in my longing for security and stability, I will hang on to good patterns when they become no longer necessary. I will even hang on to them when they begin to stunt my growing. They are familiar, comfortable, known. I hate change.

I've spent some time these last weeks thinking about this and came to some decisions about it. Can't say I was thrilled with the decision. No. Not at all. But there is a time to move on, and that time had come. To change the pattern of some relationships. Not to leave them, but to change the pattern of them.

I am trying. Did I mention that I hate change? Did I mention that I like the comfortable, the familiar? I don't like doing this. I'd find it easy to hang on to my comfort zone and never grow out of it.

But I am trying.

And it is not easy.

I spent a few nights quiet and hurting. Feeling alone. Feeling like I just walked away from something I held close. Sad.

Quietly peace seeps in, but it seeps in among the sadness that still lingers. It is time to move on.

During the last year of the tension and stress in our household, I had patterns set up that worked for that time. There were others in my life who were my primary people with whom I talked, destressed, and leaned against. A few of them. Now things are going better. They are going well. I still worry because I am a type of person who worries easier than others. But I have spent some time the last weeks talking to God about trust. Learning to trust deeper. Taking down that wall of "I trust You up to here, but You didn't keep me safe there." Beginning on that journey was change enough for me. Did I tell you that I am not fond of change? But where that journey led me was not where I expected, and honestly, if I had known where it led, I likely would not have begun to walk there.

Learning to trust deeper led to an honest look at my priorities and loyalties. Those patterns set up for my safety last year during the turmoil are not the best patterns for my life during my now. If I cling to them, they will hold me back and stunt the growth that has begun between my husband and me.

Even writing that makes tears fall. I am not unhappy about the good that has happened. I stand in awe of God's working there. But... moving on... it hurts. I am a loyal person, built into me.... and it means walking farther away from several people who are very close to me. No, I will not leave them as friends. No. But I have to create distance. I have to reorder my loyalties, rearrange my friendships, and leave room for my husband now that he wants back in. Thrilled about him, but tears still fall because change is never easy.


Shilo said...

Really neat to see how God is guiding your heart. May He comfort you in the loss that you are feeling and give you GREAT JOY as you reorder your loyalties.

Angela said...

It takes courage and trust to move with God into change, into unknown. Those are times when we need the Spirit reassuring us that where He's taking us is really wonderful. Praying He gives you the grace to let go of what was and receive what will be.