I know I keep promising an update. I know. It is just that that last weekend with people who were supposed to care, and then their letters informing me that it is best to simply be silent sort of put a damper on me. I still feel stung and saddened by it all, not wanting to communicate not because I agree with them that it is best, but simply because I am tired of it all. Wondering what is the use at times.
And, honestly, for a month, things have been going pretty well. Not great, but pretty good. I was even beginning to sort of like being with my husband and having him around. Not sure I really trusted him to stay nice, but things were peaceful. I was even beginning to wonder if I should begin to trust him. Feeling bad about the settled apathy that has come to live in my feelings.
But then there was tonight. It was a little thing. A slightly late supper, which I had phoned to warn him about. There had been an urgent matter which I was helping a coworker with and it did not go smoothly, so took longer than I wanted. And dinner was a little late, and he was rushed to go somewhere to play. So he was acting ok, but then number three, being his normal distractable self, didn't follow directions quickly enough. I think the little guy was trying to, but he just opened the wrong cupboards, and that was enough to get the full brunt of his father's caustic tongue. I made the mistake of telling his father that he was trying to obey, but was confused since I had just told him that what he was looking for was not in that cupboard, and then his father asked for something different and pointed to that cupboard. The little guy opened the one next to it instead. I asked him to look at his son, to see the tears in his eyes, and to let it go - the kid did get what you wanted; and he was only confused.
So I got accused of sticking up for him and teaching my kids that their daddy is mean. And now he is angry. No, not out of control, but angry. Quiet anger again. I tried to talk when he came in from his game, but it isn't working. I failed him, and he only pointedly repeated all that I had done wrong from the late dinner to the sticking up for the kid. Along with several other offenses that I have done in the last while.
Then - ha. We are supposed to meet with the pastor tomorrow morning - the meeting after he has met with him for three weeks in a row to work on controlling his anger. Now we are to meet and work on going on. That ought to be interesting.
So why the post? To ask for prayer. I fully expect slip ups along the way, so am sitting here very disappointed, but at the same time trying to count the good things. He did not yell. He did not go on and on beyond the two discussions we had. I think the count only goes up to two. But it is two things. I expect slip ups, but I am hoping for progress still. So, while I sit here tired and discouraged, I am hoping that later tonight or tomorrow, there might be a softening. One can hope, even if only because we know God can.
But I am tired.
So pray for tomorrow's meeting. For this to be resolved. For wisdom for me in what to say and do. For comfort for number three who tends to be a rather sensitive child anyway.
And then, my friend had a baby today. A little girl. I'm glad I will get to see her. I had just told her last night to try to get that baby to come before we go.