Saturday, July 18, 2009

Little Irritations

There are times that I wonder why God does some things. I mean, life is already difficult enough, and I find myself wishing He would just make some things easier. He could, you know. But then He doesn’t.

I don’t understand that.

I find myself wondering why. Why does He not fix the little irritations or problems in our lives that would make it so much easier for us to live victoriously?

But He doesn’t.

There may be many reasons that fill in that gap of silence. Maybe we know some of them. Maybe we guess at others. Maybe we have no idea of others. I have to come back to the basics here. God, who is bigger than me, knows what He is doing, and as much as I might be horrified at the thought, I am not the center of His universe. It is not all about me, for me, circling around my concerns. There is more to God’s plan than my immediate comfort at any given time.

I forget that at times. In fact, I’d like to forget that pretty often.

There are things in my life, external things, that make life that much more difficult. I want to share one today and ask for prayer for it. It affects me in a serious way. Not that the “problem” itself is such a big deal, but the results of the problem are much bigger.

It is a bit of a long story which I will try to avoid, but the basics of it is simple. A few years ago, I had some medical problems. One of the medications that I was given to fix my one problem caused more problems to me. I had two doses of this medication, and as a result, my balance or brain was messed with. (Ok, now comes where I have to admit that there is something wrong with my head.)

It took me several weeks to walk normally without feeling like the walls were bending and everything was off balance. It took me a few months before I was driving much again. I couldn’t deal with things like corners, hills, changes in speed without a startle reflex. It is slightly better now, but only slightly. I went to a neurologist a few years ago for something unrelated, and he had fun tapping me with hammers and laughing with my husband at my reactions. He said that my reactions are so strong that it is fun to watch them. They are still within normal ranges – just on the very high end of normal.

It’s fun in a doctor’s office to watch me jump violently in reaction to stimuli, but it ain’t so fun in real life! I manage life now with little to no problems. I get dizzy after a movie in a theatre, and my sons know to hang on to me for a few minutes until I catch my balance. I have to focus while driving on mountains or corners, talking myself through it so I won’t jump. It takes focus and purpose, but it is not so hard.

The problem comes when my husband is driving (or anyone else). I have to focus then, too, to know where we are, to know the moves ahead, to anticipate. If not, if I lose concentration, look down, or drift off to sleep, and there is a sudden movement of the car such as a corner, an acceleration, or a braking, my overactive nervous system kicks in, and boy, does it kick in! I jump. I jerk. I act like a startled newborn. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. It just does it.

It drives my husband nuts. Now, I’ll have to admit, it would likely drive any man nuts. It attacks his sense of being a man and him thinking he is a good driver. He hates it. He’ll do ok for awhile and be patient, but he’ll lose it eventually, and be furious at me. He thinks I do it on purpose because I don’t trust his driving, and won’t believe me when I say there is little I can do to control it. So, in our already stressful marriage, it is like kindling for anger.

This is where I look up at God and wonder why. Why in such a marriage, did You have to add this kindling? Life would be so much easier if I could relax in the car, close my eyes, and just rest. I think my husband is a good driver. Ok, if he is trying to read his blackberry, that makes me nervous, but all in all, he is a really good driver. He’s made changes in his driving that he didn’t think he needed to in order to help me not jump so much, and I appreciate those changes.

He gets really upset because he says I don’t jump when I drive, so it must be that I don’t trust him. It is that when I drive, every ounce of my concentration is on the road, so I don’t look away and then look back and be disoriented.

It hurts. It hurts to ignite his anger with no reason. It hurts to have him think I am degrading his driving when I am not. It hurts that he does not believe me. It hurts.

This is our travel summer, so it is a big issue again. Again, just the other day, he blew his top after I jerked one time too many, and again, we’ve lost a day or two in silent anger because of it.

I am tired. I look ahead to all the driving, and I am tired. The thought of staying awake and focused for that long, the thought of all the times he will be angry at me for it stretch in front of me. Now, I don’t know if God has some grand purpose in this that He still wants to use – which if He does, we sit looking up to Him knowing He does what is good – but I do know that God is able to heal this damage. Oh, I’d love Him to heal this damage! Not only would it make a difference in the peace in drives, but all over, it would be relaxing to be without this high startle reflex. I could spin in a circle without stopping to hold on and right my brain again. I could relax even when a kid makes a repetitive noise instead of having my whole body begin to jerk in time to it. I could follow a school bus with a strobe light on the top without having to pull over because I feel too jittery.

But the most important is that I could communicate to my husband that I trust his driving.

I know God is able. I also know that God does not always choose to make our lives easy. Knowing both, and submitting to His choices, I want to ask Him to heal this. Will you pray for this one small thing for me this summer? Pray for healing which can only come from God.

I know that was a long story for a small request. Sorry about the length.

We are on the road now, actually resting at a conference among my old friends. It is good here, and I am relaxing, enjoying being encouraged, being loved.


Carrie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

Hope you have a good conference!

Becky Aguirre said...

That's a tough one! So sorry...I will be praying about this. I agree, it is hard to understand why God would allow this now. I do hope that you will be able to relax and maybe get a chance to talk this through more...