Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Song Stuck in My Head

O God, our help in ages past,
Our hope for years to come,
Our shelter from the stormy blast,
And our eternal home.

As I walked last night in circles in the store, trying to wait until the sobbing shudders had stopped before I went home to my children, I sang this song.  I often sing when I am hurting or crying, but usually I sing a variety of songs.

This night, I stuck with this one.  Whether it was because my memory is failing or just because God wanted me on this one or because I just grabbed this one tight and hung on, I don't know.  I have a suspicion on those options, but...

It just seemed to fit the situation, and I walked, shuddered, sobbed, and sang through gritted teeth.

O God, our help in ages past,

There is a great comfort in knowing God is timeless.  He's seen all that has happened.  He knows it all.  I don't have to defend, explain, hope He gets it, show, anything.  He's seen.  There is tremendous peace in that.  He believes because He has seen. 

God has been there through all these years.  He's been there when people weren't.  He is my hope.  Sometimes we grit our teeth and tell Him that He is our hope - not because we doubt Him, but because we have unanswered questions about why He allows us to hurt so much so long.  Those questions exist, but I've learned not to let them get in the way of my relationship with Him.  I neither hide them from Him nor demand an answer for them.  They are just there.  He knows I don't understand and I don't like it, and I know that He is doing things I can not see.  So He is my hope, even though I will freely tell Him that life hurts and I wish He would make it all better.

But the next line had me close my eyes and rest a tiny bit of the pain of this sudden directional turn... away from people saying they will protect me to people asking "well, don't you have your own faults to work on in the marriage, too?"  

Our shelter from the stormy blast

He's been there.  To shelter in.  And He will be there.  Even when people fail.  Even when people have no clue what I live in.  I have a shelter.  I sang this with tears, because I know full well that a shelter does not eliminate pain.  It is only a safe place in the middle of pain.
And our eternal home.

One of the harder things growing up a MK and living in the mission community is the lack of "home". And to remind me of my home reminds me of three things:
1. I do have a place I belong where life will be stable and people won't leave.
2. This is not forever, and however long this goes on, my forever is going to be being loved perfectly, surrounded by people who love each other perfectly.
3. I will get to see my daughter.  I miss her, and still my eyes tear up at the thought of finally seeing her.

I walked and I sang this one verse over and over and over.  Until the shudders stopped, and I came home.

1 comment:

Joyful said...

I too often feel that God isn't there for me and I don't see his answer when I really need it. It can hurt deeply even though, like you, I know in my head that he is always there and there is always a reason for what he is doing. May you feel God there with you right now as you need him to be. May you feel he holds you in the palm of his hand and that he gives you the hugs you need (as he did a week or so ago). God bless. xx