... and we landed on "calm with an edge under it".
It is a relief, knowing the possibilities. Of course, I still have one guest here, and guests work as a sort of buffer zone most of the time. So the clock still ticks slowly in the silence.
Change will come. The question is of remaining strong and still in the middle of the change. That requires time alone with God, good friends who can handle my emotions dumped on them when I need that, some humor thrown in to keep us all sane, long walks, laughter with my kids, and routine that keeps me doing "normal".
And right now, I hear through the window, my chickens clucking. They just laid their eggs, and I should go out and collect them. Little smiles, things like warm eggs and bright sunshine in the cold.
Transition time. Time to pull a few friends close. Going for coffee with one tomorrow. I'll need them in the coming months.
I have concerns. I try to set them down, aware that if God is working, He'll do ok. It is just that I have seen my mission leadership in this field so seriously screw up so badly for so long that I am on edge, hesitant. These are some of the same people who called into question my honesty, integrity, and sanity for years swearing that there was no anger problem because "I've never seen him angry; she must be lying or crazy." Now I am being asked to trust them.
I do. But with a safety net. I trust God. I've heard Him say He is going to work. So I stand back watching, agreeing to work with, but not trusting the people working, only the God who is working through them.
I have concerns. I am fiercely protective of my children. I will do nothing that leaves them vulnerable. Their needs have to be taken into account in all that is moving forward. I worry that won't happen, and that is not acceptable.
Thoughts run in my head at high speed. I am on edge. I am also calm. Knowing God said to sit quiet and watch Him work. I've been reading Esther the last mornings, and while I have deep sympathy for Esther and the life she was forced into, I relaxed this morning as I watched God step in just when Haman planned to kill Mordecai and hung Haman on his own plans of destruction.
I feel for Esther. A woman who probably wanted a little Jewish husband who loved her, kids around the table, and a life of meeting for coffee with other women and their babies. Instead, God has a plan for her to save a people. To do so, she is snatched off the street with no will of her own, and is married to this barbaric king who has a few other hundred women he sleeps with, and of whom she is afraid of even going to see without an invitation.
People say, "wow, cool, she gets to be a queen!" Huh! Give me love and peace any day over riches and fear!
And yet God had her there for a purpose. She lost the chance to have what every Jewish girl dreamed of - a family and being part of her community.... but God had her here for a purpose, a reason. To save a people. A people she couldn't even anymore be a part of.
So, I sit here. In a smaller scale way. I don't have what my little girl's heart's dream was. But I feel called to be here in the situation I am in, to listen, to stay, to hope, to pray. I believe God will step in. I don't know when. It's been a very long time already. That fact hurts. But I know God's voice, and I know He has called me to be here, to rest, and let Him work.
Even if it is through an organization and people who have so massively failed me before.