I had a really bad day today. It's not that there hasn't been good days. There's been a lot of good days in my life recently. But there are bad days, and those days are the days when you want to talk, but there isn't always the ability to talk.
Today was bad. Not only bad, but humiliatingly bad. Rough. Awful. A day in which you want to run away and curl up and cry, but there is no time or opportunity and you are in public all day, so the tears sit behind your eyes and you end up exhausted by the weight of not crying them.
Days you dream of a hug or a shoulder to lay your head on for a few minutes.
And then I went home to kids who were fighting. I dealt with that well. Had them role play good conversation until they got it. Did it with humor, so they were laughing by the end of it.
I'm exhausted. And I long for a shoulder to lay my head on and cry. Or simply a hand on my shoulder and a kind word. But there is none.
I blog often on bad days. An outlet for speaking when silence is called for.
I'm ok, content to wait on God, convinced He is telling me that He is working. I have faith. I know He will work. I am content to wait and do what I feel He is telling me right now.
It is just that that faith and determination to obey does not take away one bit from the pain and humiliation of really bad days. He doesn't always protect me from the tears. He doesn't even always provide a shoulder to lean on or a set of arms for a hug when I so desperately need one. But He's there. There with the tears. Aware of how that hurt. And I rest in that.
I'm learning to rest the full weight of my pain against Him. It is not a sin nor a weakness to feel pain when people inflict it on you. And God is big enough to handle my pain. There is still the interesting question left that if God can protect me from pain, then why doesn't He? I'm learning that as I grow in knowing God more, I ask these questions less. They are still there. But I look less for answers and more at who He is. I trust more, not because I see more, but because I know who I am trusting. And because I know He can carry my pain. I tend to take it to Him faster, not trying to be brave and be "a good Christian." I bother less with words and explanations, but simply rest myself against Him.
He sees. I know that. And I don't need words. I need strong arms and a shoulder to lean on. I need the quiet whisper that reassures of my value and that I am loved.
I had a bad day today. And there are days I miss a good friend. I have them, but different times in lives bring different seasons, and I am not currently in a season where I run often to a friend. I rest quietly with my tears in front of God. I am not a better or worse Christian for that choice - it is just the season God has me in now. That may change one day. Right now, it is what I feel led to do.
But today was a bad day, a really bad day, and there are unshed tears, and life is tough.
I still believe. I still have hope. Not because of what I see, but because of who I know God is. And I've learned to listen to His whispers.
But today, I hurt.