Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A Slow Shift in the Wrong Direction

I should learn not to hope.

It seems the general view is shifting again... off of saying this is a problem with anger and moving to saying it is a marriage problem.  With that comes a shift in how they want to deal with it.


Here we go again.  Why can't people understand that you can't heal a marriage in a minefield?  They keep wanting me to go for walks in a mined area.

I'm just getting tired of the wounds.

I shouldn't have hoped.  I went to the store last night, not ready to go home, and walked in circles while I sobbed.  I had hoped, and now I was disappointed.  I was told that they would send him away for some in-depth dealing with anger.  Now they say instead we have to go for marriage counseling.

I wonder who has been changing their minds, and I worry that it is the same person who has been telling people for years that I am lying and my husband doesn't get that angry.  After all, as the man told me, "He lived with us for one year, and I never saw him angry."  (Did feel like mentioning that I've been married to the man for over 15 years longer than that, and I ought to know him better....)

I am not to blame for his anger.  I am not to blame for his actions.  And even if my house is messy occasionally, and I cook food he doesn't like, or I say the wrong thing in public, I AM NOT responsible for his anger.  I'm not.

(I actually have my home church pastor to thank for helping me to be brave enough to verbalize that and keep quietly insisting on it.  Sometimes it really helps to have a sane voice who just points out one thing.... and then helps you phrase it for those throwing accusations.)

I will go simply because by the skin of my teeth, I trust that God is working.  Problem is, I don't know if He is working now... or if He is going to wait another five to ten years.  But I am in a place of no options.  If I don't work with people, I get labelled as "uncooperative".  I'm not.  I am just not sure that anyone knows what they are doing.

But here we go again....

Life could still surprise me, but right now the light of hope is growing greyish, colors fading like before the sun sets.  I feel betrayed.

Why can't someone understand that he gets angry and my heart is so wounded from his tongue that new lashes have to search for a place to land before they can cut?

Right now, I want to run away (hopefully to somewhere warm), and find a hiding place to curl up in and cry safely away from all these people.  To sit and watch water tricking by and ask God when He is going to defend His child.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh dear! I'm so sorry! I've been checking your blog every day, hoping. I will continue to pray.