Saturday, March 27, 2010

When Silence is Deafening

 Sometimes I wish I could tell you who I am and exactly what I do and exactly what is happening in my life right now.  I can't.  The option is not even a remote possibility.

But I sit here tonight, and I feel muzzled.  Unable to talk.  We've been through something.  It was rough.  Now we are getting help, and because of events surrounding the help getting - people's actions, people's reaction, time factors - I am not able to tell my story.  I feel muzzled.  Alone.

For a person who's living is done by words, this is not a place I like to be.  But there is no one to listen to my heart right now.  No one to say "Sit down and tell me what happened and how you saw it."  I have someone here who went through something similar to my story, but there are some giant differences.  And I feel so very alone right now.

I sat last night in the dark after all people had gone to bed and told God my story.  From beginning to end.  From the very first inkling to the happy ending so quickly ruined by one person's insensitivity.  I sat and poured out my heart alone in a dark room, just talking casually to the God who holds my heart.

And that was good.

But the silence was deafening.  And the empty chairs mocked me.  No one who cares enough, no one who has time enough to hear my heart right now.  And tears fell again.  Bucket load of tears that want to spill and can't yet.

I want a best friend.  Someone who wants me as much as I want them.  Someone who goes to me first with their news and to whom I can go knowing that they are there to hear mine.

Then, selfishly, despite all the realities of my life, I want one where I am.

Because I am walking alone in a desert surrounded by people, but no one yet able to listen to my heart.  Not even sure that anyone knows I have more story than has been told.  And plunged into conflict with a person who has no idea of boundaries and is constantly overstepping common decency with no remorse.  That saddens me - if there were acknowledgment of wrong, it would be a thing we could work together on, but there is none.  I think this action, this conflict with this person is causing me as much stress as the rough thing we just went through.  I'm sad.  I'm angry too.

I don't have time to deal with those emotions yet.  My heart is spilling a story that has not been told, and I want an ear.  I want the ability to cry.  I want to not have to defend how I feel.  When we did have a chance to talk for a short while, I was strongly questioned on why I said I knew something.... umm....I don't know... Sometimes, I just quietly know something.  Maybe God talks to me.  Maybe He gives me a feeling... I don't know - don't ask me to defend it and explain it.  If you do not know how God talks, then I can not tell you.  Maybe you know how He talks to you, and I know how He talks to me.  But in both incidents, it was clear that what I knew was going to happen did - so walk on and don't try to make me explain the world that is unseen.

But I am tired.  Very tired.  Sad.  Trying to recover, but so longing to talk.  I just want to talk, to tell the story from the beginning to the end.  But I was not the ones who went through the rough things, so they are to talk.  I know they need to.  But I feel like I sit invisible, and invisible tears run down my invisible cheeks and ache in my heart.

I need a friend.


Kirsten Nelson said...

I am sorry you are going through this. I would like to be a friend to you. I know what isolation is like living in a foreign country. The silence can sometimes be deafening. When I first arrived here it was after a very long dry spell of no close friends, over 3 years. One of the first things I pleaded to the Lord about was a good Christian friend in whom I could confide. We all need that in our lives, especially being so far from home. God is so good. He gave me that person. I will pray that you too find someone nearby with whom you can confide. Jesus had James,John and Peter. I am praying that He will give you someone close as well. Until then you can always email me. I am more than willing to listen. Hang in there.

junglewife said...

Like Kirsten, I would love to be your friend!!! I know what you mean, though. Probably not exactly what you are feeling right now, but what you mean.

I went through a time just recently where I was mourning the loss of my best friends back home - how even though we are still good friends, I am no longer the first ones that they can call with good or bad news, and of course I can't do that either. And so far, even though i have lots of friends where I am, i do not have that "best friend" yet. I feel like a whiner, complaining that I don't have a 'best' friend even though God has given me lots of friends. But all that to say, I know what you mean. Even though I am not in the same situation that you are, I know what you mean. and will be praying for you. blessings.

Carrie said...

I can sympathise, but because I've not been where you are, I cannot fully understand. However, I have two really good ears and two really strong shoulders. You can lean and cry with me any time.

I don't have a best friend, either.

Karis said...

Oh Ellie! On a smaller scale, I understand so much of what you're saying.

And the fact that you compared the conflict to being as stressful as what you went through -- a double whammy and from those on "your side." Sigh...

I don't have a best friend here either. I have friends who sharpen me, and I'm very thankful for them. And I have a couple of older ladies (not as in old but as in my mom's age) who are a huge blessing in my life. But there are things I hold back and that makes me sad that there isn't anyone I can just spill it all out too (a girlfriend).

I can understand why you want to talk because you are good with words and I can see that would help you process things.