Sometimes I wish I could tell you who I am and exactly what I do and exactly what is happening in my life right now. I can't. The option is not even a remote possibility.
But I sit here tonight, and I feel muzzled. Unable to talk. We've been through something. It was rough. Now we are getting help, and because of events surrounding the help getting - people's actions, people's reaction, time factors - I am not able to tell my story. I feel muzzled. Alone.
For a person who's living is done by words, this is not a place I like to be. But there is no one to listen to my heart right now. No one to say "Sit down and tell me what happened and how you saw it." I have someone here who went through something similar to my story, but there are some giant differences. And I feel so very alone right now.
I sat last night in the dark after all people had gone to bed and told God my story. From beginning to end. From the very first inkling to the happy ending so quickly ruined by one person's insensitivity. I sat and poured out my heart alone in a dark room, just talking casually to the God who holds my heart.
And that was good.
But the silence was deafening. And the empty chairs mocked me. No one who cares enough, no one who has time enough to hear my heart right now. And tears fell again. Bucket load of tears that want to spill and can't yet.
I want a best friend. Someone who wants me as much as I want them. Someone who goes to me first with their news and to whom I can go knowing that they are there to hear mine.
Then, selfishly, despite all the realities of my life, I want one where I am.
Because I am walking alone in a desert surrounded by people, but no one yet able to listen to my heart. Not even sure that anyone knows I have more story than has been told. And plunged into conflict with a person who has no idea of boundaries and is constantly overstepping common decency with no remorse. That saddens me - if there were acknowledgment of wrong, it would be a thing we could work together on, but there is none. I think this action, this conflict with this person is causing me as much stress as the rough thing we just went through. I'm sad. I'm angry too.
I don't have time to deal with those emotions yet. My heart is spilling a story that has not been told, and I want an ear. I want the ability to cry. I want to not have to defend how I feel. When we did have a chance to talk for a short while, I was strongly questioned on why I said I knew something.... umm....I don't know... Sometimes, I just quietly know something. Maybe God talks to me. Maybe He gives me a feeling... I don't know - don't ask me to defend it and explain it. If you do not know how God talks, then I can not tell you. Maybe you know how He talks to you, and I know how He talks to me. But in both incidents, it was clear that what I knew was going to happen did - so walk on and don't try to make me explain the world that is unseen.
But I am tired. Very tired. Sad. Trying to recover, but so longing to talk. I just want to talk, to tell the story from the beginning to the end. But I was not the ones who went through the rough things, so they are to talk. I know they need to. But I feel like I sit invisible, and invisible tears run down my invisible cheeks and ache in my heart.
I need a friend.