You can't know how much I want to write right now. My eyes feel like crying because I am full - full of emotions, questions, thoughts, observations, silence. I think over the last few years, partly because of this blog and partly because of a friend who lived far away, I've learned to process things by writing my heart out. I so want to write... so many things... BUT I've got two days before my husband leaves for a three weeks. Not again! I just got home. We knew it would be like this, and we were ok with it, and in a way, we still are ok with it, but it is so hard. We snuggle up at night enjoying being there, and know that one more night, and he is gone again. Not wanting to relax too much... a goodbye comes tomorrow again. And even that, I want to write about. Can't. Got to unpack the suitcase, repack, do taxes, sew a gift, buy a few things... and another trip to the airport.
I'm running on empty, tired, wanting to just sleep. And I'm running on overload - so much to think about, so much to say, and I can't. So I keep carrying these thoughts, and they pop up in my dreams mixing themselves in unique ways... not letting me rest.
I'll be back writing again in a few days. Until then, pray that I keep my heart still and quiet. Didn't help that our basement flooded again - possibly ruining our new floor... spring again! But today, I could use prayers.
Pray also for a small baby named Ben. It is a long story which I might tell one day, but Ben is brand new and due to problems that didn't need to happen at his birth, he is likely to be severely brain damaged. But, despite his diagnosis, he is showing amazing signs of life - being awake and nursing well. My sister-in-law who does not believe in any God or anything spiritual is heartbroken and hopeless over Ben's diagnosis. Ben is her best friend's baby. But as I held my sister-in-law in my arms late one night while she alternatively cried and raged, I told her that God can do miracles, and I will pray for Ben and ask others to pray. She searched my face for hope, looked into my eyes with deep hopelessness, but hung on anyway. Twice in the time I had with her, she said she was at the end of herself and was tempted to call out to God. So I am praying for Ben, and praying that through this little baby, God would show Himself to my sister-in-law who is finding out that life with no hope beyond oneself is a rough and lonely life.