Sunday, December 28, 2008

Undefined Prayer

I should be doing fine. Should be doing great. Things are going well. Good holiday, good friends...

I'm not. I have that undefined sadness, a longing, a nameless companion to my days. Don't know what it is. Perhaps the wrong time of month, but it has been lingering. Perhaps holiday blues, but it has been hanging around here for awhile... Perhaps the never silenced MK longing to migrate once again, who knows? Perhaps all the change - even good change is tough...

I don't know what it is, but it is bothering me recently. I can't shake it. Do you ever get that, too? And will you pray?

There is a lot of change. I am so proud of my husband and the changes he has made. He is really doing well. But... since he has been so withdrawn from this family for at least two years,.... it is an adjustment. I've developed my ways of coping, my ways of having my "inside circle", my ways of just being. All of that has been shaken up now. I have to navigate a new "us". Then the couple who have walked with me through all this mess of getting my own life straightened out for four years, - I'm struggling with them. They have always been my first line of defense, my first people to go to, who I talk over my life and my day... They are still there. They have not changed. But I am not so connected to them. I tend to talk over life with my husband; he is who I go to, talk with, beginning even to pray with... by the end of the day, I have no great need to connect anymore. (Have you noticed even that blogs have dropped off?) And that is a good thing. Even a great thing!

But.... I miss them. And I can't seem to navigate all this change well. I really feel like I have been through a move. It is the same emotional effects on me (to a lesser degree) as if we just moved. My whole internal world and support system has been or is being reorganized, and it is not without stress. I react to too much change by eventually wanting to shut down and just go back to "normal" - no matter how off that normal was. I noticed this effect, also, when I was healing from some of my past. At times, even the good was such a change that I longed for normal, even when normal was so abnormal. It was MY normal, and I was used to it.

5 comments:

Grammy said...

Yes I know that feeling... here's what I have to do...my check list.
Have I met my husbands needs. meal fixed, house picked up, laundry done, do something for others, meal , visit, call, get out side.. espically in the winter. I'll pray you shake this cloud soon..

Angela said...

Yeah, I can relate. I've been feeling that way a lot myself recently.
I notice it at odd times -- like after hearing a song or watching Lord of the Rings, or when the sun is setting just before night closes in.
I can distract myself for a while, but it always comes back more intense than before. I think it's meant to be. It's like music from another place that awakens a yearning for something nameless that we are meant to possess.

Ellie said...

Grammy - check list...
laundry, mostly done... well, mostly done before we decided to go for a walk and threw rocks in a lake and slid on our tummies on iced over mud puddles...
meals, house generally straightened - just don't look at my bedroom... trying to decide which dresser we want, and stuff is piled waiting to be rearranged.
something for others... today we decided NOT to have people over. WE have for three days, and wanted a down day. Tomorrow come more guests.
I guess that covers the meal, visits, calls, and going outside.

The going outside was a great idea. Thanks. We had fun, and sun is good for me. I get down in winter without being outside much, but I am always so COLD!!

I also phoned my friends and talked. It was a good talk, and it was good to connect.

Angela - thanks. And thanks for your blog today, too. It helped me, too. Knowing that some yearning can just be God calling us to know Him more.

Cindy said...

Hi Ellie...

Sorry for the silence, but it doesn't mean that the prayers have stopped...just a busy time.

Praying my friend.
Will write more a little later. We have a team here (from close by), so things are a bit hectic.

Hugs my friend....

Becky Aguirre said...

Hey! I was about to post a comment yesterday and then got diverted...I have to say I definitely related to your post, MK yearnings and all...I, too, am learning to view it as a call from God. It usually means I need to spend some time renewing myself in Him...am praying for you...