Undefined Prayer

I should be doing fine. Should be doing great. Things are going well. Good holiday, good friends...

I'm not. I have that undefined sadness, a longing, a nameless companion to my days. Don't know what it is. Perhaps the wrong time of month, but it has been lingering. Perhaps holiday blues, but it has been hanging around here for awhile... Perhaps the never silenced MK longing to migrate once again, who knows? Perhaps all the change - even good change is tough...

I don't know what it is, but it is bothering me recently. I can't shake it. Do you ever get that, too? And will you pray?

There is a lot of change. I am so proud of my husband and the changes he has made. He is really doing well. But... since he has been so withdrawn from this family for at least two years,.... it is an adjustment. I've developed my ways of coping, my ways of having my "inside circle", my ways of just being. All of that has been shaken up now. I have to navigate a new "us". Then the couple who have walked with me through all this mess of getting my own life straightened out for four years, - I'm struggling with them. They have always been my first line of defense, my first people to go to, who I talk over my life and my day... They are still there. They have not changed. But I am not so connected to them. I tend to talk over life with my husband; he is who I go to, talk with, beginning even to pray with... by the end of the day, I have no great need to connect anymore. (Have you noticed even that blogs have dropped off?) And that is a good thing. Even a great thing!

But.... I miss them. And I can't seem to navigate all this change well. I really feel like I have been through a move. It is the same emotional effects on me (to a lesser degree) as if we just moved. My whole internal world and support system has been or is being reorganized, and it is not without stress. I react to too much change by eventually wanting to shut down and just go back to "normal" - no matter how off that normal was. I noticed this effect, also, when I was healing from some of my past. At times, even the good was such a change that I longed for normal, even when normal was so abnormal. It was MY normal, and I was used to it.