Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Before and After

It is such a difficult thing to pick up normal life since the events this past spring!  I can be ok, I can be fine, I can be not traumatized beyond repair, but I have walked through something that has profoundly changed me just as the death of my daughter changed me.  It becomes an event that you count time from - before Lydia, after Lydia died.  Now it is: before the crisis, after the crisis.  I'm ok, but I'm different.  The problem is that I look the same, sound the same, walk in the same circles - circles that are relatively unchanged.  But I have changed.

So to pick up and go on is a difficult thing.  It reinforces the two lives that I lead - one here in the present where I currently live; the other a life aware of another place, another way of living.  Two awarenesses running at all times - ever since I was small.

Yet in some way, it has also has me more aware that this life here is temporary, not the real, not what is of substance, not eternal.

So that makes me constantly aware of three places... part of me living where I am now, part of my heart living where I am not now, "over there", and part of my heart just plain longing for heaven when God wipes away all tears and puts all things right.

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