I just did something that I think I regret. No, not exactly regret - that is too strong a word, but hesitate about perhaps.
How do you ask for something that you want someone to want to do for you? If you ask, you run the risk that they will say yes only because you ask. If you don't ask, you run the risk that they will never know that it was wanted.
There is no clear way to say, "well, only if you want to...." because there is an obligation in some requests sort of built in. "Ok, if that is what you need, I will do that, of course."
But that is not what I was asking. I want someone to want to do something, to take the initiative themselves. It hasn't happened, so now I ask. And of course, now they will do it....
but there is a emptiness to it - at least I feel that this morning. An emptiness because I had to ask. And now I don't know if they really would have ever wanted to or if my request (in a mild way) forced them into saying yes.
It is raining this morning, a cold drizzly rain. It matches my mood. Feeling alone. I can maybe get what I needed, but only by bluntly asking, not because I was seen. And there is some sadness in that fact.
I wanted to be seen. I've been feeling invisible in some pain, and I wanted to be seen. Seen not because I jumped up and down and yelled, but seen because I was loved and noticed. So I sit here watching the rain drizzling down drinking hot apple juice being quiet. Sad.
I'll only do this for an hour, and then I get up and go teach. It is an ok place to visit, but not to hang out in. Right now, I can sit quietly and listen. To look up to God and be honest about how I feel. To set it in front of Him with the unanswered questions, disappointments, hopes, and pain. And then just sit, drinking hot apple juice, watching the rain