I'm so confused right now that I can't think straight. Just halted in my tracks puzzled.
I can't even blog this straight, but I will try, but not today. Today, I will just state that I am puzzled and why.
We have had meetings with a new guy sent to assess us. He has degrees and all. He met with us twice. He was really nice and we both liked him. My husband got to talk one session, and I got to talk for about twenty minutes of the next session. My husband had about three hours to talk. But that is ok.
What puzzled me is that I had some serious questions. How do I respond when I am facing anger that has already exploded? Not a disagreement or even an argument, but the anger that has erupted into a volcano and it is all one-sided because it doesn't even pause. That type. I need to know what to do in that moment to make it stop.
So I tried to explain. Also how to deal with the things said.... they are pretty awful.
His response? "Oh, don't tell me them, please!" All you are supposed to do is speak blessings.
He actually told me he will not let me say what has been said about me or what my husband has done because if I say those things, I am speaking curses and will destroy my marriage.
scratching my head.....
I understand the concept of blessings and curses to a degree. Trust me, I understand! But... does that mean I can never say what is happening, ask for help, wisdom, prayer... because if I am, I am destroying my marriage??!!
Since when is truth destructive... especially when it is spoken in a private setting asking for wisdom on how to handle something?
I don't get it. But I felt blamed. It is not the fault of the one who said it, but now it becomes my fault to repeat it asking for help. What would save my marriage would be if I spoke nothing of what was happening, and only spoke good and thanked God for the blessing of my husband.
I told him that I do pray prayers of blessing over my husband. He flat told me he doesn't believe me. Why? Because I speak of what he has said or does... and that it not good, so it is cursing my marriage, so obviously, I am not the type of person who is speaking blessing in prayer over my husband.
I told him while he may not believe me, I do. It took me a long time to get there, but I do. It took a lot of time on my knees fighting it over with God, but I do. Him not believing me does not change truth.
But I am bewildered. And I guess I shouldn't even be saying that because it is not a good thing, so it is cursing my life.
Would you tell a bullied student that the worst thing he could do was speak up about what was happening, and if he does so, he is cursing his life?
How is truth cursing, but requiring silence on an abusive situation blessing?
I asked God on the way home, "God, this is confusing... what are You saying?"
Very clearly, came the thought, "How did I deal with the money changers in the temple?"
It reminded me of the time after a crisis when I was not getting heard or helped, and I turned my hurting heart up to God and asked to hear his voice, and he replied, "How did I treat my disciples after the trauma of when I was killed?"
I smiled then. Like I smiled today. Jesus walked with them. He heard them. He ate with them. He let them touch him. He was different than the treatment I was getting.
Jesus took whips and drove people out of the temple. He did not just speak peace to them.
I'm bewildered. But I am going to take some time to hear God tomorrow and rest. Then I may blog about what doesn't make sense to me. Because some of the blessing and curses makes sense, and I agree with it. This extreme doesn't. But my heart is bruised tonight, and I can't make the best decisions with a bruised heart.