Monday, May 27, 2013

You See

Oh God, this hurts so very much.  Today my heart is crushed again.  I wait and I hope.  I wait in stillness for You.  Waiting for You to stand up, to defend Your daughter from the tongues, to be my honor.  And there is stillness. 

I asked again for help.  Gathering my courage around me once more, and showing one I thought may help that awful slander from one over me.  One who has known and yet chosen to close his eyes.  To shoot arrows rather than to address a problem.  To blame the wounded rather than correct the one who wounds.  To himself cause more wounding than anyone else. 

I expected help.  And I did not get it.  Again.  Oh, God, You see.  You see what those in authority say and do, and You see how they would rather defend themselves than deal with wrong.  How much easier it is to dismiss me as "that woman" and label me.  My heart is bruised inside me.

Lord, what they say is pure evil.  It has no part with Your Spirit, no part with the light.  I wait for You.  I wait.  My heart grows weary with waiting.  My faith hangs on desperately, but faintly.  I wait for You.  Where are You?  Why do You let evil prosper and the weak be wounded?  I know their words are not Your words, but the force of them hurts.  And even more is the silence of those who know but walk by on the other side.

He is Your child, Lord.  He is yours.  You have seen all that he has said, all that he has spoken to my husband, telling him that "I don't know how anyone could force themselves to live with that woman".  You have seen, Lord.  How long will You be silent?  I want justice.  I want to be worth being defended.  I want to hear the Lion's roar, the Father's voice of outrage over the treatment of His child.

And I hear silence.

The silence mocks me.  It in itself whispers, "see, no one cares" and "you are not worth it to anyone".

Oh, Lord, where are You?  Will you let evil crush me?  Will You be silent when Your own demean who I am?  When will You stand up?

I want You to crush him like a bug.  To open his eyes, to let him see who You think I am.  To hear Your voice speaking of me.  To make him look in Your eyes and answer for every evil word.  I want him gut punched with the truth.   That is my hurting heart, my desire for justice, the cry of pain deep within.

Yet You cried out as You suffered, "Father forgive".  Ah, Lord, I don't have Your strength, and it is not just a matter of hours, but of years.  I grow weary and my strength fails. Be my rock.  Be my shelter.

What I so love about You is that You deal with my weaknesses and sins gently.  And he is Your child.  So my desire that You defend me and crush him like a bug is out of line, it comes from my pain.  Strengthen my heart to cry for justice but not revenge.  But Lord, You see!  How long, oh Lord?  Deal with him gently, correct him in love, but correct him please!  Don't leave me living in this years more. I haven't the strength.

Father, let me hear Your voice.  In the middle of all the voices all saying different things, let me hear Your voice.  Let me hear who You say I am.  I need that.  In the midst of all that is said about me, I need to hear Your voice.

Give me courage.  To risk again.  To make the right choices.  Wisdom to know what is right.  Strength to offer forgiveness where it is not even sought yet.  To have grace among those who judge without seeking truth.

Lord, these are Your own who are causing pain and scars in my life.  Where are You?  It is so hard at times to see You, to trust You despite how Your people act.  Your own people shoot arrows and defile with words.  The people who are Your voice down here.  It is bewildering and confusing.  I struggle.  I feel like a child again, abused by those in authority, confused, not knowing how to act, with no one able to believe, no one ready to help.  Different abuse, but the abuse of power, the demeaning of my person, the making me an object, not a human.  How do You allow this?  When will you step in?

My heart hurts. I struggle to believe, to trust, to hang on to You in the middle of it all.  But You are all I have.  I cling to You... in pain, with unanswered questions, with deep hurt, with the silence and mockery of Your people in my ears, I cling to You.  Even if I grow too weak and my hands grow tired and I let go of trust, You will not let go of me.  I rest in that.

But, oh Lord, how long will You be silent?  How long will You let evil continue?  Will You not defend Your daughter?  Be my glory, the lifter of my head.  I need you.  I need Your voice.

You are the Ancient of Days.  The God who sees.  The father to the fatherless.  The Truth.  You are the God who is wrapped in light.  You are the defender of the weak.  I rest in You.  I rest my case in Your hands.  My eyes are on You.  I wait.  Still waiting, I wait and with all the trust I have, I trust.  

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