It is hard to write right now. Hard to capture my thoughts on paper. Hard to make sense of what I am living in. I don't understand or even have a clue of what is happening. I am standing by... this morning as I drove home from dealing with some paperwork, I thought, "This year, the 2012/2013 school year, has been one of being on permanent wait." A constant holding my breath for something to happen.
I don't know what will yet.
It has been a year of change, and it will bring change. That we know, but I do not have a clue what that change will be.
Things will happen, and people will put our lives into the hands of other people. At first, they tried to send us for counseling to a non-Christian place that practices Hinduistic beliefs. I shook my head and wondered... it is a sad day indeed when light goes to darkness for help. But I was cornered with people saying that if I didn't do what they said, then I was unwilling to get help.
I am willing to get help. But when you want help for a spiritual problem, I've learned, be careful what spiritual powers you call on for help! I wanted help to be done under the control and influence and wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Strangely, no one saw a problem with what they were planning. I prayed. I prayed! And I carefully tried objecting. The problem, I think, is that no one researched very well. They looked at a few opening pages of this place, but they did not read the articles and newsletters they put out. If they had, I hope they would have been as concerned as I was. I hope.
I learned today that that is off the table. Only because I questioned it, but it is. Thank God!
Even our pastor said, "well, you are people of discernment, so we can trust that you would discern what was right and wrong there." In a way, he is right. I could discern what was wrong. But when you are wounded and hurting... you are vulnerable. At that time, you want to be cared for by people who are in the Spirit. Who can see you as beings complete with physical, emotional, and spiritual sides.
We had a person come recently to listen to us. That was a blessing. The previous meeting with four people was very different. No one listened one bit. No one said, "what do you feel you need?" They just sat and read a letter and told us what to do. It was strange. Even half threatened us if we didn't agree with them. Attacked when we had questions about the process. It was so different than I expected....
But, after I raised questions about the place they were considering, they sent someone to listen. He did, and I think he got an extremely clear picture of what we were facing. Very clear.
So now we wait again.
And in the wait, God is giving time for a whole other army of prayer warriors to be called in. People who know what they are facing. And in the middle of this crisis, I've become strong enough to say "I won't be silent anymore." So I am talking. And what I have kept hidden out of shame and out of fear and intimidation, I am bringing into the light. I am speaking up and able to ask that the right people be put in charge, and the wrong people be removed. I am learning that I can have a voice - even in the face of powerful people banded together. I am reaching out, building connections, speaking up, and finding strength.
I'm not sure about hope yet. At times I hold it, and at times, I lose it. Yet an important things happened on Saturday with this man here. The basic problem was laid bare, clearly out in the light. There was no agreement to work on it, but the problem was brought into the light. I believe in the power of light.
Sadly, my husband has been improperly mentored for years. By a man who has told him that he does not know how anyone could live with me, and that no wonder he gets angry (don't, you know, but man! I see see why you do!) This from a man who has never lived any closer than 500 kms, and who has never stayed with me for more than a week. The saddest thing about that is that it has only helped my husband walk further away from God rather than encourage him to deal with things in his life - we all have things in our lives - and bring him closer to God. Now we reap the fruit of wrong mentoring, and I am afraid it will take longer and be harder than if he had been given godly advice.
But God is able, and I hang on to Him. It took me awhile to "right" again, like a bouy tossed at sea, but I am stabilizing. I lost friends and support, but I reached out for more. Life in isolation is not healthy, nor does it contribute to growth. I reached out, close by, and back in time - to people who know me, who love me, and who pray. And in their love, in their encouragement, in their strength, and in their validating words, I am stabilizing again, finding my faith, holding on to the God who never let go of me.
I still don't know what tomorrow holds. I pray desperately for my husband who has a choice ahead of him. Pray for the light to shine, for grace to overcome fear, for love to win against pain. I have questions for God, but no doubt about Him. Pain, but trust. At times, a very weak trust - like a weak, thready pulse in a seriously wounded person, but still a trust. I wait for hope.