Sticks and Stones

 Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me...

We learned to chant this laughingly on the playground when other kids said things about us.  But even then, we knew it wasn't true.  We just learned that you will only get in trouble for the sticks and stones, but words went unpunished.

I knew the day that there were bruises on my arm, but I should have seen it clearly before.  Maybe I did, but the weight of trying to explain it and be believed was too great. 

The sad truth is that the Christian world is not set up to recognize, understand, and come alongside a wife suffering emotional and verbal abuse.  We default to preaching forgiveness, grace, patience, long suffering.  And we quickly and easily believe passionate verbal promises to be better.  We want to believe them.  We want to believe that when we confronted a brother and he "repented", that we have saved our brother and saved the marriage, so our pastors and elders are quick to believe these repentances.  

We're also quick to believe that the people we see and know are transparent.  That the person we see is the person who is.  Maybe that gives us a sense of security, but our churches are quick to believe their eyes, and less to believe the eyes of someone else.  "But I've known him for years.....!  He's so nice.....!"

In public, yes.

Then comes the most twisted tool, but it comes in almost every situation.  I've seen it happen to me repeatedly.  It's happening again now.  And the very twistedness of it is what makes it so effective.  They blame their wives for "having emotional problems"  or "having unresolved issues from her childhood" or "having some psychological problems"  and ask for prayer for her.  It is almost as if people take a huge breathe of relief - "ah, that explains it"!  Then they have a context for the things that haven't made sense up to then.

And in one line, the abusive person both bolsters their own position, gaining support, and silences the victim.

Because it makes sense.  People nod and think back.  Yes, haven't we all seen how upset, withdrawn, troubled, sad, whatever she looks at times?  He's usually so nice, outgoing, talkative, willing to serve, friendly, but yes, she has issues at times.  We've all seen that.

They have.

What they haven't seen is that on the way to church, she was subject to verbal abuse.  That she was cut down, told she was nothing, she was his biggest mistake, that no one could ever love her, that she's lucky she has him because no one else would ever put up with her, that the world would be a better place without her.  And as they pull into the parking lot, she's told to straighten up right now and put a smile on her face so people don't see how crazy she is.

And she tries.

And they walk into church.  And he greets everyone cheerfully and with enormous kindness for the details of their life.  "How's your mom after her stroke?", "Wow, new haircut! It looks great!", "have you lost weight, you're looking wonderful!".  And she trails behind, more silent, trying to smile.  Struggling to reconcile the man she sees now with the one she saw five minutes ago.  The stark difference re-enforcing his words that maybe it is something about her.

So when she tries to get help, and he pulls out this twisted tool, "please pray for me, she has emotional/psychological issues", people think back to how they have perceived them and nod and agree.  And not only is she silenced yet again, but judged and de-valued.

Maybe one day, she's strong enough to try again.  And she gets the simple question, "why didn't you just leave?"  or "why didn't you just say something?" 

Because she tried.  And there was no "just" about it.  It wasn't just easy.  And it wasn't just.  Because a spoken apology is given great weight in the absence of real repentance, and yet the spoken testimony of what has been said is not given weight.  Not seen as abuse, but as a "communication breakdown" or as "arguing".  You need to work on your communication.  You need to try better.  You need to keep the house cleaner.  You need to meet his needs.  You need to speak better about him in public so he feels valued. You need to learn to phrase things better.

But where is the statement, "You need to be protected from abuse"?  Because we think that if it didn't leave bruises, it isn't abuse.

My bruises healed in a week.  My soul still bears the scars of words.  And sadly, not only my husband's, but those added by those he was able to turn against me.  I still face that today.

The Lord is a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. This is the verse I cling to.  I know my God.  I know His heart.  And while I don't know the future, I know He is there in it, and He will still be a shield about me, still be my glory when so many people will say I failed, and will be the One who lifts my head.  When He lifts it, He lifts my gaze to meet His eyes, and His view of me.